Dear Cancer: I HATE YOU

Dear Cancer,

I freaking hate your stinking guts. I'm tired of you coming into the lives of people that I love and taking them from us far too early. I think you are the worst thing around and if I ever meet you, I will punch you in the face.

I do not think it's fair the way you choose your victims. It's like you've worked out some devious plan to attack those that have happy, healthy lives and you take them from us instead of taking say, mass murderers. Don't you think you'd be better served removing the scum from the earth instead of taking those that we hold so dear? You're unfair and you're biased and I can't stand the way you come in and give us hope that our friends, our family will survive when in fact, you have no plan to let them go.

I know I'm young and that I can say it's unfair for all of this to be happening to me at such a young age, but I'm not going to say that. Instead, I'm going to say that I've dealt with you a lot in my young age and the one thing I'm certain of is that I HATE YOU. I will continue to donate to causes that are set on finding a way to get rid of you. And I will continue to hate you for the rest of my life. And sure, putting all this in the universe might not be the best idea I've ever had, but I'm tired of you and I want you to know that.

You are not nice. You are cruel and hurtful and you've ruined so many lives that I don't even know how you live with yourself. I'm going to fight against you until the day that I die because you've taken so many that I love.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

Interesting changes might blow my way...

Traditionally, I'm not that awesome at change. I wouldn't say that I'm terrible at it, I would just say I'm not that awesome at it. Things have been in kind of a whirlwind in my life for the past few months and it seems as though that whirlwind is going to continue on into the next few months as well. The strange thing is, I'm not that worried about it. I'm actually kind of excited about the possibilites that could lie ahead for me. It's weird. I think this means that I'm becoming an adult. Hey, it only took 26 years to get there.....

"this is not the end, this is another beginning"
- Linkin Park

each day faces it's own challenges...

I feel like when I get close to sanity, something else happens and pulls me back down.
I'm in a good spot. I don't think that I'm depressed, Ijust think that last year was and this year has been really difficult. But, all in all, my life has been amazing. I can't be angry at the fact that my lfie has been wonderful up until this point. That's how it goes, right? Hard times happen. They happen to everyone.

This is helping:

"....when you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth, you are weeping for that which has been your delight"

And...
Florence + the Machine
mostly Cosmic Love and the Dog Days are Over

one day at a time...

sometimes, it's hard to see the light of the day because it feels like we're being buried alive under a dark cloud of sadness. since the anniversary of my grandfather's passing and the loss of my friend Preston, my days have been a roller coaster of up and down, happy and sad. when I start feeling like maybe things are going on the upswing of the roller coaster, something else comes along and hits me with a wave of sadness. almost as if the world wants me to know that it's still her and sadness is still happening.

monday is the one year anniversary of the passing of my nephew. I'm not even sure how you prepare yourself for that. it's been a long year. and it feels like accepting the fact that it's been a year is wrong. I'm not sure why. also recently, some dear friends of ours had to break the news to us that they had a miscarriage. it was their first attempt at having a baby.

i know the saying "Everything happens for a reason" and for the most part, i've accepted that philosophy in my life. but the more time goes by, the more it gets harder and harder to just swallow some of the things that have happened to the ones i love.

today, i clicked on Preston's name on my google chat to send him a message that i love him and i miss him. only to remember that he's no longer here and would not receive my message of well wishes. it's had when reality slaps you in the face and you remember that your loved one is no longer here. sure, i probably need to remove his contact information from my accounts, but it's like it would be accepting that he's really not here, and I don't want to do that just yet. I want to pretend like he's just off on a bike ride and out of cell-phone service. becuase admitting that he's gone would just be too hard.

in the words of lil' wayne.... "yeah my life's a bitch, but you nuthing bout her. i've been to hell and back, i can show you vouchers....."

Poopity poop poop....

Okay, get it out. Let the laughter out of the bag. Everyone poops. It's a fact of life.

I was going to write about my somber weekend remembering my friend Preston, and about my friend who's family is suffering from the loss of a dear friend, but instead, I'm going to write about poop.

Soooo occasionally, I have to use the facilities at work. It's not often, because let's face it, girls would rather die than poo in public. I usually hate going in there because I hate having to take care of business at work and I hate even more the idea of someone walking in and seeing me taking care of my business.

Here are some things that I have NOT learned as far as protecting my identity goes:

1. wearing cool, but funky shoes does not hide your identity.
2. having a tattoo on your right foot does not hide your identity
3. laughing when you toot does not hide your identity
4. picking your feet up the entire time someone else is in there does hide your identity, but is not necessarily good for your butt cheeks that are stuck on the toilet

Here are some things I have learned about pooing at work:

1. it goes a lot faster than at home
2. other people do it too and don't seemed to be concerned about protecting their identity
3. other people definitely do NOT laugh when they toot

Ahh, I feel better getting that off my chest!

Just remember....everyone poops....it's a fact of life. Have more fun with it. Take it less seriously....life goes on after the poop.

It's a tough, tough world we live in...

Today, I received an email from a very dear friend telling me that her family friend who has been battling Stage IV breast cancer for the past year has probably taken a turn for the worse. She began having seizures last night and hasn't stopped today. She's unconscious and last she heard, had not regained consciousness.

Having been barely a month since Preston's passing, I know what she is going through. The fact that there are no words that will comfort her or her family, or the family of the mother, grandmother, who is on the verge of leaving this world, makes it 10x more difficult for me to hear. I want to tell her that it's for the best. She'll be at peace. Unfortunately, the people who are not at peace will be her family. My friend's family and the family of the one who passes are going to be completely distraught after this. The pain will feel never ending. I'm been fortunate in my life, an Preston was the first person close to me that I've lost. I've lost friend's parents, and other friends, but never someone that I felt personally close to. (Minus an aunt who passed away 5 years ago). The last time I lost someone before last year, I was in a pretty good depression and unfortunately didn't know how to grieve and instead pushed away. When I lost my nephew last year, I was the strong one who was there for each member of my family but not allowing myself to grieve much either. And right before that when my grandfather passed away, I was able to mourn him in peace because I knew that his battle had been long and he'd lived a long, happy life that most people don't often get.

But with Preston, it was different. How do you justfiy the ending of a 29 year old's life? How do you rationalize that it was best for Preston? And I'm having the same mixed emotions about my friend's family friend. How is it okay for her to pass on when she has young grandchildren and three beautiful daughters who so desperately don't want to lose her? Sure, it's the circle of life, but why can't it be a more peaceful circle? Why do people have to go through these extreme battles only to lose the fight?

I know that often we find ourselves weeping not for what we lost, but for what we loved so dearly. I know that her daughters and my friend's family will cherish the memories they made with her and will cling to those in these next few days and weeks of difficulty. But it doesn't make it any easier, nor does it make it fair.

But I guess they say "life's not fair"

it just sucks that it's not fair in this way....

love you pal. Hang in there.
miss you P.

My life.......Legends of the Fall...

So, today was pretty rough. That's pretty much the only way to put it. I missed Preston a lot. Basically, I keep finding myself down in the dumps about a certain friendship, and over the weekend, I kept hearing him tell me that life is just too short to find yourself down in the dumps. I know that if he were here, he'd tell me to get over it and move on. That friendships are meant to be enjoyed not dreaded. Today all that seemed to come to a head and I wanted so badly to hear his voice. His laugh. Him telling me that I'm being completely ridiculous and should have moved on a long time ago.

Currently, I'm watching Legends of the Fall. One of my all.time.favorite.movies. I heart this movie. As I was watching it, I kept comparing myself to Tristan, the main character. See, the thing is, he kind of has a hard time dealing with the difficulties in his life...the death of his brother....the death of his wife....all these things seem to wear him down and his way of coping? Leaving. Going off on lone excursions and getting lost in a world not like his own. Of course I know that this is a movie.....but....I find myself understanding his character more and more as the movie goes on and as I've gotten older. Of course you feel for his character, but this is more of a connection to his character. He gets lost in his emotions and I see myself in him. I know, I know, it's not always the best idea to compare yourself to a character in a movie...but if someday, I start writing my blog from Montana....well, you'll know why.