Friday, December 31, 2010

See ya later 2010!

I want to say: "see ya later 2010, don't let the door hit ya on the way out" but I don't want to start 2011 off on the wrong foot.

Here are some things that happened in 2010:
  • I climbed 52 flights of stairs to fight lymphoma (even though I wanted to die at like 19)
  • I celebrated my puppie's 6 year birthday (it was tough, shut it)
  • I planned for and went to Costa Rica for my 2 year anniversary with the hubs
  • I celebrated my 26th year of life. 
  • I floated the river with good friends and the best family in the world
  • I lost a good friend to his battle with cancer
  • I observed the one year anniversary of my nephew's passing and mourned him all over again
  • I got a sewing machine and finished a quilt I was given as a gift
  • I went to a game for all of the porfessional sports in Dallas. 
  • I stood by helplessly as my friend Colleen lost her mother to cancer
  • I celebrated one of the best Christmases yet though still grieving for Colleen and for Preston
2010 was not my favorite year.  But today is the last day of 2010 and I'm looking forward to 2011.

Here are some things I hope to accomplish next year.
  • Graduate with my MBA
  • become an aunt for the third and fourth time
  • being an honorary aunt for the second time (here's looking at you baby Crocker)
  • Climb 52 flights of stairs
  • get back into running (ugh)
  • spend more time with friends
  • spend more time with family
  • go somewhere awesome (like BALI)
  • learn something new
Here's wishing you and yours a most spectacular new year! Stay safe out there. We all know it's amateur night!

"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.”
-Bill Vaughn

Thursday, December 23, 2010

I broke the rules....

This year the hubs and I weren't going to give presents, but I broke the rules and got him one anyway. Technically, it can be seen as a joint present because, if he so chooses, he can include me in his gift. Anyway, just wanted to share the super cute envelope I made for him.


And give me some credit...I'm at work and had to use the resources at my disposal.

See.....it's clever because it spells out his name in golf shapes. I think it might have something to do with golf but I'm not 100%.

Freedom of Religion

I'm not going to get into this too much here, but I wanted to share this blog post. I find it very relevant and I wholeheartedly agree.

Take some time to read it if you'd like.


http://www.ottawacitizen.com/life/need+freedom+religion/4002627/story.html

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

internet safety protocol

so I read the posts on this one website on a rather regular basis -- mostly because they show up in my Google Reader feed. Anyway, the site reddit, allows people to post "news as it's happening" and other random things that please people. The past two days, there have been posts about meeting up in certain cities so that the poster can buy you a meal (if you're in need and hungry this season) and sending amazon toy orders to kids if the family is in need.

The second one I would have participated in had I known about it before it was too late (this morning was too late because the package wouldn't get there in time for Christmas). The first one though is where I pause and have to wonder if I'd really be willing to meet up with someone I didn't kinow and buy them dinner. Here's my concern: the world is a scary place. People are scary and can do some scary things in times of need. THE WORLD IS A SCARY PLACE.

I want to participate in things like this. I want to feel like I could confidently post the same thing and offer my help or a meal to someone in need, but I'm just flat out too chicken shit to do it. I'm terrified that I would put myself out there and offer to buy someone dinner and then they'd show up with a knife and stab me for my $20. It's rather sad when you think about it, but it's true....I'm terrified that I'd be killed rather than spend an enjoyable evening at dinner with a stranger.

Am I the only one out there who doesn't think it's such a good idea to offer a meal to a random person on a website? Do I have unrealistic fears of stabbing deaths when people aren't all bad? (Or is it that they'd shoot me not stab me, I mean, come on, it is almost 2011).

I just don't see the most good in people anymore. I see mostly bad. And it saddens me.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Stinky feet and facebook defriendings

So I thought today it might be best to get back to my normal blog radnomness than to keep it down and sad anymore.

So....stinky feet.

I hate it when you pull your shoes off to either sit on your feet, or prop your feet up on the box of unused paper that you keep under your desk and you smell feet. My feet aren't seriously stinky, but apparently in this one pair of shoes, they are leaving a stinch. What is up with that? I'm guessing it has more to do with the type of fabric in the shoe than my actual feet because well, everything about me always smells lovely.

Facebook defriending -- I'm making it my mission to clean up my facebook and a large part of that is defriending people. Sure, it could be seen as cruel and like I'm heartless but I think more than anything else it's simply what it is -- a clean up. There are friends that I went to high school with that I haven't actually seen in person since high school -- do we really need to be facebook friends? Probably not. And there are people that I just don't care to have access to my life anymore. I mean, really, what's the point?

So if you got defriended...sorry. Maybe send me a message and we can re-connect.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

thats because you're alive....



So in a totally dumb move, I rented and watched Charlie St. Cloud yesterday. I had read the book because I'm a total sucker for a good, sad book. And it came through. Although, the ending does help the sadness some and you feel good after you read it.

In the movie, there was a line that I don't necessarily remember from the book:
"I hurt as bad as the day you died"
"That's because you're alive"

Oh how true those words are. I know that my loved ones are in a much better place than they were when they were here. I know that my loved ones were in pain when they were still in this life and that their passing was truly a blessing. But I'm not naive and I know that's not always the case. I know that sometimes people die for no reason whatsoever. Or the reason doesn't come to us right away. There are devastating car accidents. Unexplained deaths in the night. And diseases and circumstances that take our loved ones way too soon at tender ages. But this line really hit home with me. "that's because you're alive". It's bittersweet, isn't it? Sweet because you get to continue your life. You are here to live on and we all have those moments of wanting to change and be a better person because we don't want our loved ones death to be in vain. we have such grand notions of how we're going to change our lives for them. In memory of them. And bitter, oh so bitter, because we have to continue our lives without them. We have to carry on. Because, after all, we are still here. We put on brave faces and tell ourselves that we were given a second chance, a blessing to still be here when the same thing could have and might eventually happen to us. But it doesn't make it any better. Sometimes, we want to be the one who passed instead.

I felt that way a lot after Preston died. Not because I'm ready to leave this life or my loved ones but because my heart hurt knowing that I had experienced things that he hadn't. That he should have. An everlasting love. A best friend to call my own. A husband. I know Preston was loved and loved, but I wish so much that he could have experienced the love of another that way that I have for the past 6 years. (10 if we're being honest).

But he's gone. And I'm here. My grandfather is gone and I'm here. My aunt is gone and I'm here. My sweet, sweet baby nephew is gone and I'm here.

And as I'm writing this, my dear friend Colleen is praying for her mom's suffering to end and for her to pass peacefully sometime today. The day of her deceased father's birthday. He would have been 55. There are no words to describe how badly I wish I could take this pain from her. There are no words I can give her because I've never lost a parent and now she's about to lose her only parent. How is that even fair?

And I know that my best friend is silently suffering and not telling anyone because I know her and I know that this Christmas marks the 6 year anniversary of her step-father's passing. There are no words I can give her either other than to tell her that she's still here. We're still here. 

Take this holiday season to tell the ones you love how much you love them. You just never know when their last breath is going to come. You never know the regrets you might feel if you don't. And as for the ones we love that are no longer here with us, remember that it hurts this bad because we're still alive. We're here. We should do nothing less than make the best of our time here and cherish their memory. Live for them instead of in spite of. Treasure the fact that we're still here. Treasure this chance we've been given to continue on. Even though the sting is sometimes too much to bear, we have to because it'd be a slap in their face to not treasure every minute of this life.

So to my faithful followers, I love you. I love that you are always there for me when I need you and that you have become the best parts of my life. You mean the world to me and I'm here for you no matter what happens.

“The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.”
-Mitch Albom

Friday, December 17, 2010

taxes...taxes...taxes....

let's talk about this tax thing.....so they extended the tax breaks for another two years. Or at least, it looks like that is what is going to happen because both the House and the Senate approved the bill. Hmm. Let's think about this. We're trillions of dollars in debt. We owe more money than we can possibly imagine to China, and we're going to bitch about taxes? Really? Especially when the issue here is that the tax breaks would have remained in place for most middle class Americans and really would have only been raised for the wealthiest of the wealthy? Hmm. I just can't wrap my brain around how this makes sense.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to pay higher taxes anymore than the next guy, but I also don't want to have to learn Chinese and pray that China doesn't come over here and kick our arses. Plus, okay, I'm kind of of the mindset that if you make more money than God, you should pay taxes that are suitable to your income. I get taxed based on my income so why shouldn't they have to pay similar amounts based on the insane amount of money that they make? Seems totally legit to me.

I tell ya, if I were a politician, I'd do such a better job. I think our leaders are lacking very simple common sense. I know that they say they're "looking out for their constituents" but what they don't see is that they're going to make the United States fall from her super power status and go below Japan, China, heck maybe even Switzerland! (arbitrary country pick).

Someone please help us. We've lost our way and we're going to pay for it so terribly in the end. It's frightening.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

It's not all brusselspourts and rain....

I feel as if my posts lately have been kind of....well, depressing. I know that mostly they've just been honest. Times are tough sometimes and there's just not much we can do about that.

But, it's not all brusselsprouts and rain in my life. So, here are some good things:

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE
I'm also excited because my sister in law and brother in law are gracing me with ANOTHER baby!!! WOO HOO! Looks like I'll be an Aunt again before I become a mommy....oh well! 
  • I'm excited about Christmas! I don't normally get too excited about this holiday, but for some reason, this year i'm excited. I even over decorated even though nobody has been over to see it. 
  • I'm excited about baby Poppy! I'm so glad that Poppy is sticking around and hope that he/she is born on June 11!
  • I'm excited that my nephew by choice, Joseph James is growing up so quickly and so healthy! He's a pure delight and I love him! 
  • I'm excited that my best friends have almost been married for 6 months! time flies when you're in love!
  • I'm excited that my parents were able to take a super fun vacation to Kuaui and came back sounding like they really enjoyed themselves. 
  • I'm excited about all the people who are going to participate in the Big D Climb though my own participation is wavering --I'm not sure how to get through it without Preston being there
  • I'm excited about 2011 because I'll be finishing up my MBA and might be that much closer to starting a family. (SHH!)
  • I'm excited about the changes happening in my job place......not sure what direction they're going to head in next, but I'm excited about it!
Even though it seems as though my garden of brusselsprouts is overtaking my life....there are a lot of sun beams and daisies out there too.


"Human beings, vegetables, or cosmic dust - we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible piper."

  ~Albert Einstein, in The Saturday Evening Post, 26 October 1929

I think I'm just having a hard time hearing my piper.........


Monday, December 13, 2010

Life is short but sweet for certain....

"celebrate we will for life is short but sweet for certain"

one of my all time favorite songs includes this verse. When I was younger, I knew that it meant I should "eat drink and be merry. for tomorrow we die" (same artist) but as I've gotten older,  I've taken it to mean something different. Something more like: you never know when you or someone you love will take their last breath on this earth, so you should enjoy every single minute of time you get with them. Life is too short to dwell on bad things or arguments. We aren't given enough time to show the people we love how much we love them, so we should try to show them every day instead of waiting until their final moments with us. I know this is heading in the Debbie Downer direction, but stay with me.

This past week, my friend Colleen found out that her mom's stomach cancer was flaring up again and at this point, her mom is tired of fighting it. She's tired of being in pain and in hospitals, and she's done. Just flat out done. I don't know how one is supposed to respond to hearing that your mom no longer has the will to fight a terrible, terrible disease. Unforatunately, this hits all too close to home for both Colleen and I as we lost our dear friend Preston barely four months ago. I've known Colleen for several years, but our friendship didn't blossom until well after we met. I consider her a very dear friend and there are days, I'd be lost without her. She is stronger than she thinks she is and a gift to those around her. I know that my words are meaningless at this point, but I'm here and I don't know what more can be done other than that.

My friend Janet contacted me to hear more about Colleen's situation and to express her condolensces. As we began talking, she informed me that some dear friends of hers lost their almost 2 year old daughter the night before. LOST THEIR ALMOST 2 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER THE NIGHT BEFORE. My heart stopped. If onyl for a second, my heart stopped beating and a small piece of it broke. I don't know Janet's friends who are having to endear such a terrible terrible trauma, but I know Janet. And I know that she associates with good, genuine, down to earth people and that if they were hurting, she was hurting. I know that we both know there are no words to describe the heartache we feel for them or for Colleen, but that doesn't mean that we don't try to console them in whatever way possible. I know Janet will be there for her friends because that's the kind of person she is. She stands by you through thick and thin and helps out wherever she can.

It's been almost four months since we lost Preston. I still can't delete his phone number from my phone. I still can't remove his friendship from Facebook. It's like it paralyzes me to think of him not existing. I know he's gone, but it's like having him in my phone or on my Facebook friend list keeps him here, with me. I know that someday I'll get a new phone or something will happen and his number will no longer be there, but I'm just not ready for that day.

I feel like little pieces of my heart keep chipping away with each passing month. And normally, there would be time for healing. I'd be able to sew it back up and heal it before another piece chipped away. So far, that hasn't been true these past 6 or more months. Is it possible for your heart to chip too much? For it to be so broken that it is beyond repair?

"celebrate we will for life is short but sweet for certain"

Be there for the ones you love. No matter what the circumstance. you never know when they're going to need you the most.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

2010 on the cusp of 2011

Read this. 

Now someone please explain to me why in almost 2011 we are still hearing of hate crimes? Especially hate crimes against mentally disabled people? It absolutely disgusts me that there are still people out there who are willing to hurt and attack people simply based on the color of their skin. I do nto live in Farmington, NM and I have never been to Farmington, NM, but at what point do you decide that just because someone is not the same race as you, they deserve to be branded, drawn on and embarrassed? The thing that irks me the most and makes me want to scream the most is the fact that the boy in this attack probably didn't even understand why he was being attacked or the purpose behind the crime. It breaks my heart.

At some point America, we have to realize that what we're doing to each other before we start to worry about how the rest of the world sees us and what we're going to do to "better" the global community. We can't even handle our own communities right now and that's just flat out pathetic.