thats because you're alive....

So in a totally dumb move, I rented and watched Charlie St. Cloud yesterday. I had read the book because I'm a total sucker for a good, sad book. And it came through. Although, the ending does help the sadness some and you feel good after you read it.

In the movie, there was a line that I don't necessarily remember from the book:
"I hurt as bad as the day you died"
"That's because you're alive"

Oh how true those words are. I know that my loved ones are in a much better place than they were when they were here. I know that my loved ones were in pain when they were still in this life and that their passing was truly a blessing. But I'm not naive and I know that's not always the case. I know that sometimes people die for no reason whatsoever. Or the reason doesn't come to us right away. There are devastating car accidents. Unexplained deaths in the night. And diseases and circumstances that take our loved ones way too soon at tender ages. But this line really hit home with me. "that's because you're alive". It's bittersweet, isn't it? Sweet because you get to continue your life. You are here to live on and we all have those moments of wanting to change and be a better person because we don't want our loved ones death to be in vain. we have such grand notions of how we're going to change our lives for them. In memory of them. And bitter, oh so bitter, because we have to continue our lives without them. We have to carry on. Because, after all, we are still here. We put on brave faces and tell ourselves that we were given a second chance, a blessing to still be here when the same thing could have and might eventually happen to us. But it doesn't make it any better. Sometimes, we want to be the one who passed instead.

I felt that way a lot after Preston died. Not because I'm ready to leave this life or my loved ones but because my heart hurt knowing that I had experienced things that he hadn't. That he should have. An everlasting love. A best friend to call my own. A husband. I know Preston was loved and loved, but I wish so much that he could have experienced the love of another that way that I have for the past 6 years. (10 if we're being honest).

But he's gone. And I'm here. My grandfather is gone and I'm here. My aunt is gone and I'm here. My sweet, sweet baby nephew is gone and I'm here.

And as I'm writing this, my dear friend Colleen is praying for her mom's suffering to end and for her to pass peacefully sometime today. The day of her deceased father's birthday. He would have been 55. There are no words to describe how badly I wish I could take this pain from her. There are no words I can give her because I've never lost a parent and now she's about to lose her only parent. How is that even fair?

And I know that my best friend is silently suffering and not telling anyone because I know her and I know that this Christmas marks the 6 year anniversary of her step-father's passing. There are no words I can give her either other than to tell her that she's still here. We're still here. 

Take this holiday season to tell the ones you love how much you love them. You just never know when their last breath is going to come. You never know the regrets you might feel if you don't. And as for the ones we love that are no longer here with us, remember that it hurts this bad because we're still alive. We're here. We should do nothing less than make the best of our time here and cherish their memory. Live for them instead of in spite of. Treasure the fact that we're still here. Treasure this chance we've been given to continue on. Even though the sting is sometimes too much to bear, we have to because it'd be a slap in their face to not treasure every minute of this life.

So to my faithful followers, I love you. I love that you are always there for me when I need you and that you have become the best parts of my life. You mean the world to me and I'm here for you no matter what happens.

“The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.”
-Mitch Albom