Wednesday, December 28, 2011

My birth plan...(and NO I'm not pregnant)

So I was chatting with my bfffff about her birth plan...she's due in about 14 days and we're spending New Year's Eve together so we've been chatting back and forth all day. We got to her birth plan and she told me:

"I made my "birth plan" which is pretty much four bullet points centering around how I have no objection to pain medication of any sort and the sooner the better for an epidural ahhahah!"

Which of course made perfect sense to me! Why do you need several bullet points on a list when the options are really quite simple?

So here is my (future) birth plan:
  • Drug me
  • For the love of God don't go down there!
  • Get the baby out!
  • Drug me 
I think it's a pretty comprehensive list of what should be going on that day. Of course, I'll probably be one of those freak of natures who totally changes her mind and decides to go the hippy route by having my baby in water or something. 

Anywho....happy birth planning baby mamas to be! 

And in case you want to take yours a little bit more seriously, you can find some good info here.  

"I'll be like, 'Epidural, please!' ... I don't want to go through the pain". 
-Britney Spears 

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Best. Christmas. Present. Ever!


that's what baby curly hair looks like!!!
Yesterday, at about 2:00PM, my sweet little niece, Sofia Elizabeth made her entrance into this world, butt first!!!

My sister had been in the hospital for a few days, due to some high blood pressure, and was basically on bed rest at the hospital. On Thursday, we thought we might get a new addition because they were talking about inducing her. However, that wasn't meant to be. Friday morning though, her blood pressure continued to be high, and they decided to induce. After several hours of contractions and pain, her water finally broke and the doc was able to see that Sofia was "frank breech" basically meaning she was in the pike position. So, they decided to do an emergency c section to get her out of there.

After what felt like forever she was finally here! We got to see her for about 1 minute before they carted her off to the NICU. (She was 5 1/2 weeks early!!)

Today, she is off the oxygen mask that they had her on, and she is eating little by little. She's getting so much stronger every day and everyone keeps talking about how strong she is and how determined she is to get out of the NICU. We're hoping she'll be home in less than 7 days!!!

Thanks to all of my family's extended family, friends, and loved ones, and those who have been praying and sending positive thoughts to my sister, brother in law, and sweet little Sofia. I know they are keeping her strong and helping her climb these hills!!!

Happy birthday and Merry First Christmas my sweet pea!!!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Sharing is Caring

So if you follow me on G+ or on Facebook, then you've already seen this, but I wanted to share it here too because I've talked openly about my beliefs and my depression, and well, it just seems right.

This video was made by the employees of Disney in support of The Trevor Project.
While the Trevor Project focuses on keeping young LGBT kids from spiraling into depression and committing suicide, the message is still great. I mean, who hasn't been picked on or made fun of?

Here's the video:


I'm not gay, so I've never had to deal with the kind of bullying that some people have. And for the most part, I'm fairly normal. I didn't get harassed in school and I was pretty much an average developing kid. But, I do battle depression on a daily basis. And I can't even begin to imagine what if must feel like to already be battling something like depression and then have to deal with something like being bullied. It breaks my heart that in the year 2011, we still can't accept people for who they are. I really loved what the one guy said when he said that we are all exactly who we are supposed to be, who we were intended to be.

This holiday season, I encourage you to be a voice for kids that might feel like the world is crashing down on them. Whether it's because of their sexual preferences, or because there's something slightly different about them. You never know when you might be the voice that saves them.

I know I posted about organizations that I support and encourage you to think about supporting, but I didn't include this one. The Human Rights Campaign. Because at the end of the day, whether I kiss my husband or my wife, I'm still human. And so are you.

Happy holidays!!!

Friday, December 16, 2011

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.....

Welp, it's December 16. Which means that Christmas Day is just around the corner. Which is great, because Christmas is one of my favorite holidays! Why? I have no idea. It's not like I'm selfish and want a million presents from those who love me...it's more that Christmas has this unique feel to it. Everything just seems different on Christmas day. It's like the world is refreshed and good things are going to happen!

My friend shared this quote with me and I think it's great. I'm going to apply it to 2012.

May you never forget what is worth remembering...
or remember what is best forgotten....

Friday, December 2, 2011

The difference a dollar can make....

Each year, I try very hard to remain vigilent about donating to various charities. The reason for this is because I desperately believe in helping others and in fighting for a good cause. Sometimes, someone asks me to donate and I'm more than happy to. Other times, I do research on my own and find the appropriate place for my funds.

This year was a little more crazy with working on the well for my nephew, I haven't donated to as many places as I would have liked....so, I'm doing some research.


Yesterday was World AIDS Day. When I was younger, I was passionate about finding a cure for AIDS. Somewhere in my adulthood, that dropped off. I'm going to be passionate about supporting AIDS research again. Here are some suggestions for AIDS charities you might consider supporting.

I've been a long time supporter of the North Texas Food Bank. The saying is that $1 feeds 3 people...I'm guessing they run very efficiently because I know that I sure as heck can't feed people on $1!

I've also donated to the American Cancer Society, the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and various other cancer organizations throughout the years. This November, I convinced 5 guys to to grow out their facial hair in the name of raising money for cancer research. It went really well and was loads of fun! (For me, mostly). They have decided to donate the funds to the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network because we have a co-worker who is suffering through the aftermaths of pancreatic cancer right now. 

I'm not saying all of this to say "look at me, I'm so great". I'm saying it so that maybe you'll be compelled to donate what you can too. Go forth and find something you're passionate about!

I recommend Charity Navigator for helping judging which ones are worthy of your time and efforts.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

M B A

Soooo it's finally official official....I got my diploma in the mail! I can put those three little letters after my name (if I so choose) MBA...woot woot!!

I haven't decided if I will or not...my co-worker said that I should because I worked hard for it, and I did, but I just don't know. I don't really know anyone who does it...doens't mean that I shouldn't though!

Not much else is going on....I've got two baby showers to go to in the next two weeks and I've been busy making things for those. One of them I'm co-hosting because it happens to be my sister, but there's plenty of help for that one.

The other one is for one of my favorite people and I've had fun getting things together for it! I'm going to have to give an IOU though because I wasn't able to do as much as I wanted to!

Here's hoping for some fun!!! I'm also going to Charleston this weekend...just for two days, but should be fun!

Woot woot! Hope all is well bloggerverse. 

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Woot Woot!!! New Developments!!!!

Things are going pretty okay for me lately and things are also suppppper busy!

However, I can now mark something off my bucket list (and it's totally nerdy, so brace yourself) I finished my MBA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, it requires that many exclamation points. I turned in my final projects on Tuesday and found out that I received A's on both of them last night. I may or may not have done a little graduation dance in my kitchen! It's insane. It took me two full years because working full time and going to school is hard stuff! (props to those of you who did it in undergrad!)

of course it's going to be WAY MORE awesome than this because it's an actual diploma, but you get the point


The holidays are coming up and I love this time of year so that's fantastic as well.

All in all, not much to complain about here. Days are still tough without my friend Jim, and I have random break downs on a somewhat regular basis, but it's getting easier to face Wednesday nights without him and that's comforting.

So, go out there, cross things off your bucket list, friends!!! It's exhilarating!

xoxo

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

November is all about giving thanks....

So,  a lot of people are using this month and each day within this month to list what they are thankful for.

My blog has been slightly Debby Downer this month so I thought I'd go ahead and list out what I've come up with these past 9 days.

Here it is:
  1. This song: By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North
  2. My niece's karate kick through the belly of my very pregnant sister and into my hand! 
  3. My friend who very lovingly guided me through my panic attacks
  4. Seat warmers! And laughter!
  5. A very special lady who takes time to put others first
  6. New life!!! 
  7. Good friends who you can watch sporting events with!
  8. My hubby and downtime made for relaxing with him
  9. My co-workers
That's it! All 9 days written down in a nice, little note!

What are you guys thankful for this month?

He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.  ~Epictetus

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

It's never easy to lose the ones you love...

Lately, I've been missing my friend Jim more than I'd probably like to admit. I pretend like every day is fine and I can get through most days without thinking about him too much, but I can't.

There are too many constant reminders. Thinks he used to say or do or meetings that we used to attend together. I know that it's all part of the healing process, but it sure doesn't make it hurt any less.

And I've really been missing my friend Hilary. We had a "break-up" of sorts. And I know it was probably for the best, but here lately, I've just wanted to call her and say "I miss you." Or did you see that stupid commercial? I've just wanted to hear her say something silly and make me laugh because I've so desperately needed a laugh these past few weeks. But, I also know, that I was honest with her. And I said things that I can't take back, nor do I want to. It would have been great if we could have worked things out, but sometimes, things in life simply aren't meant to be.

But it's still hard to lose the ones you love...whether it's a passing in this life or a break-up that was inevitable, it's not easy to say good-bye to the ones who had such a prominent role in our lives.

As for Jim, I hope he's found peace and happiness on the other side. As for Hilary, I just pray that she's happy and healthy. Because, regardless of whatever happened between us, she's an amazing person and she deserves that.

What's that one saying....if you love something you should set it free and if it loved you, it'll come back again....or something like that. Pretend I'm wise and eloquent.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Holy panic attack, Batman!

Soooo last week was not so great. It started out like any other normal week, but about Wednesday, things took a very dramatic turn for the anxious.

Wednesday, during my workout, I started feeling like my heart was beating more rapidly then it normally did and I just wasn't feeling that awesome. Overall, I felt like something was wrong. I wasn't sure what and thought it might have to do with the fact that I had a 5 hour energy that day and had stayed up late the night before. But, I'd had 5 hour energies before and never had this kind of reaction. Plus, according to the pint sized bottle, it's equivalent to 1 cup of coffee...so that didn't make any sense.

Wednesday night was just off. I just didn't feel right though I couldn't pinpoint what was wrong exactly. When I tried to go to bed, I felt like my entire body had restless leg syndrome. I COULD NOT get to sleep. I spent about 2 hours tossing and turning and sitting up and trying to take 10 deep breaths. I knew something was wrong when I couldn't get past 3 or 4 deep breaths. Finally, my hubby came in the bedroom, expecting me to be asleep, and was shocked to see me sitting up on the side of the bed. He asked what was wrong and I explained everything to him. His suggestion was to lie down together and him put pressure on me by squeezing me tight. I like to think it was kind of like this. The pressure helped ease the tension in my body and I was able to fall asleep.

The next morning, I woke up thinking that everything was great. But, I was still feeling more anxious than normal. But, by about 8:30 I knew that was not the case. I was tense. I was panicked and I knew that I was having a repeat of the night before. I texted a friend who happens to be a therapist and she called me and talked me through the worst of the attack. She encouraged me to call the doctor, which was already on my list, so that I could get a pill for the severe anxiety that I was clearly experiencing. So, I did and a quick visit to the doctor and the pharmacist took away the worst of the anxiety.

The thing that sucked the most about these two incidents is that I hadn't had a panic attack in so long that I was absolutely terrified. The anxiety took hold of me and my fear of the situation and what was happening to my body was off the charts. The worst part? I don't even know what triggered the attacks. Granted, most people can't pinpoint their anxiety to one situation or another, it's more of an overall anxious feeling, but it was absolutely debiliitating. If it wasn't the anxiety and panic making it impossible for me to function, it was the shear terror combined with not having any control over my thoughts or feelings.

Yup, last week was tough. But the weekend proved to be better and was somewhat low key resulting in a panic attack free weekend. Hopefully, that's the new trend.

Thank goodness for a hubby who "thundershirts"

Monday, October 17, 2011

Just one of those days...

See the thing about depression is this: some days are significantly harder than others no matter what you do.
Today is one of those days.

All in all, it's actually been a pretty good day. I got up relatively on time. Have eaten really well today and just got in a kick ass work out that could have knocked me on my ass, but I didn't let it. Overall, I should be swimming in happiness. But I'm not. And it's not something that I can necessarily put my finger on. Instead, it's just an "off" feeling.

I woke up missing my friend Preston for who knows why. I had a dream that I had forgotten he was gone and then his sister had to call and remind me. I've had dreams about him before that didn't necessarily result in my missing him even more, but this morning was different. And then I started thinking about my friend Jim. And that made it even harder.

But that's happened before and hasn't necessarily triggered an increase in my depressed state. Today is just off.

To top it all off, I've been feeling extra tired lately. And of course, exhaustion can cause depression. But depression can cause exhaustion. So it's hard to tell which came first. It's the chicken and egg conundrum if you will....hard to tell which came first...

Through all of this, there is one that I know undeniably and that is that there will be another day after today and it probably won't be an off day. It'll probably be a normal, happy day. So, it's just a matter of getting through today, feeling a little off and making it through. Hour by hour, day by day.

"Some days are for living. Others are for getting through"
Malcolm S Forbes

Friday, October 14, 2011

Sparta what???????????

I'm working out again. It sucks. I'm sore. I've been using the handicapped stall at work so I can literally just fall down on the toilet....

But, since I am having so much fun I thought I would share some of the work outs with you guys. I know, I'm so super generous. It's insane.

The first one came out in 2010 I believe and it's what we call "Spartacus". Actually, Men's Health calls it Spartacus so it's not really a name we gave it. Anyway, you can find it here. And a PDF version here for you to print.

The second one is a revamp of the original Spartacus and is appropriately dubbed Spartacus 2.0. I haven't done this one yet but am doing it later today. I'll let you know how bad it sucks.

You can find it here. And a PDF version for you to print here.

So, try it out. You never know what kind of body might be waiting for you around the corner. When I am successful at shedding all this extra poundage and getting back to Tiffany circa age 18, I'll share my success story with you. Until then, use your imagination.

Happy endorphins! Maybe one day we'll all look like this:






I mean, I could go for less abs on me, personally. But if the hubs started rocking this bod, I would not be sad. :)

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Umm, I can't feel my legs....

So this is me.....attempting to be healthier and not be pregnant (which would be counter productive to healthy) and work out more consistently and possibly lose some weight in the process. The goal of course is to be healthier overall, the weight loss is hopefully the bonus.

So....Monday....I ran. I'm working with my boss who is helping me find the right workout routine and it's been good so far, except really hard. Monday I did interval running. Basically, I warmed up for jogging for 5 minutes. Then (on the treadmill of course) I bumped it up to 6 (faster if you're more in shape than me). Ran at 6 for 1 minute. Then down to 5, then down to 4, for one minute each. Then back up to 6 and repeat the cycle. The goal was 25 minutes. I made it 22 before I thought my heart was going to explode. And I may or may not have taken a few 30 second breathers because I was so out of breath I felt like flying off the treadmill.

But, the point is, I did it. I got in 22 minutes of mostly solid running. It was a good step in the right direction.

Tuesday - stomach bug. You don't want to know the details.

Wednesday...supposed to work out with friends but they are both at home with or recovering from said stomach bug. Went to boss to get game plan. He says SPARTACUS 11:00 AM be there.

Let me just tell you...I've done this before. Like 2 times because, it's not easy. there's no breaks and you have to keep going for 60 second intervals. It's hard. The thought of doing it the day after having a stomach bug that about ripped my insides out.. exciting nauseating. But, the good news my sweet blog followers I DID IT. I didn't make it through 3 rounds like everyone else, but I did push it till it hurt in 2 rounds and that my friends, is something I am proud of.

If you're looking for a good circuit workout --- give it a try. It's hard. And there are definitely ways to make it harder...up your weights..modify the movements to make them more intense.

Here's hoping I can walk tomorrow because I'm kind of already having a hard time feeling my legs....

"The Greeks understood that mind and body must develop in harmonious proportions to produce a creative intelligence. And so did the most brilliant intelligence of our earliest days - Thomas Jefferson - when he said, not less than two hours a day should be devoted to exercise. If the man who wrote the Declaration of Independence, was Secretary of State, and twice President, could give it two hours, our children can give it ten or fifteen minutes. (Address to the National Football Foundations, 5 Dec 1961)"
- John F Kennedy

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Check this out...

I just wanted to post something funny to go along with the depression post.

I think it's funny that the most hits on my blog come from the fat baby mouse post....

apparently including "fat baby mouse" and "hamstermouse" in your tag lines really helps!!

ha ha ha ha you people really need to start searching for better things!!!

Friday, September 30, 2011

A little thing called depression....

So Dooce's post here made me think about my depression and what it's been like these past few months. Typically, when things get tougher in my life, and my energy gets stripped away, my depression wavers and gets a little bit worse. Lately, though, that hasn't really been the case.

Instead, things have been pretty even kelter and not much has been happening. Overall, I've been able to focus on the positives in my life and have put my attention towards those instead of getting "down in the dumps." But her post made me realize that while the seasons don't necessarily affect me in the same way they do some, my depression definitely takes the course of ugly monster for no reason whatsoever.

I know that some people get into ruts where they feel more depressed on a regular basis during certain times of the year or months of their lives. Mine is slightly more random than that. As in, I'll wake up one day feeling 1,000x worse than the day before and have no good reason for why. I could say "Oh, I just slept on the wrong side of the bed. Ha ha." But, the truth is, I know that it's more than that. I know that it's more about the fact that my mind is a beautiful monster that rears it's ugly side sometimes and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. Sure, I can force myself about of bed and force myself to get through the day, but that's about it. And even then, I can act happy and cheerful, but there's still this dark cloud of gloom that hangs over my head. And there's no reason for it other than that's the way my body is feeling that day. It sucks.

The good news in all of this? Depression is getting easier to talk about. And by getting easier to talk about I mean that it's becoming more accepted and people are realizing that being affected by depression the same as having, say diabetes. It's a disease. It happens. To more people than most realize, I would dare to say.

So if you know someone who is depressed, then reach out to them. Let them know that if they need to talk (even if it doesn't make any sense to you) that you're available and willing to give them an ear. It might be a complete nonsense rambling session, but at least you're letting them talk about it. Because honestly, pretending like it doesn't exist or is taboo is just dumb in 2011. And it's almost 2012. Time to get out of our closets and talk about things that happen to real people.

I'm here to help too. If you're reading this and you want to chat, leave a comment and I'll get in touch with you. There are better days. This is not the worst day just because it's not the best.

Hang in there buttercups!

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

They say that breaking up is hard to do....

Recently, my life has been all sorts of turmoil. There have been more hard days than easy and the situations I and my family have been going through have been extremely difficult. Through all of it though, I've gained some really good perspective about who my friends are and which ones are necessary in my life. And I've figured out that some relationships have run their course and are fizzling out.


It's been a really hard realization to come to because it's not easy to remove people from your life. Especially people whom you've cared about deeply and shared so many memories with. But, at the same time, the one thing I have learned and experienced over and over again these past few months, and years, is that life is entirely too short to live unhappy or with friendships that don't provide the nourishment and balance that you need in your life.

It's sad to me because looking back there have been some amazing memories and times with some of these friends, but then, at the same time, there's been some incredibly hard times as well. Particularly times when things were really hard for me and I didn't feel like I could call on them for help or support.

I've made the decision to be more committed to my friends and family and I don't think I could have done it without evaluating the friendships in my life and finding the friends that are worth keeping. The ones that have truly been there for me when I needed them, whether it was just an email offering guidance or an offering to meet up and discuss the current woes in my life.

I know that friendships can't be the same as they were when we were 4. I know that they take work. But I also know that one person shouldn't feel like they're putting in all the work. Life is better spent with fulfilling relationships that help us grow, and learn. Not ones that cause us to worry and suffer. It's just not worth it. Not at this point in our lives. Growing up really sucks. 

I'll leave you with the Beatles. This song has always rang true for me, but more so today and than other....

In My Life by the Beatles. 

"there are places I remember, all my life, though have some changed.... some forever not for better, some are gone, and some remain. all these places had their moments, with lovers and friends, I still can recall. Some are dead and some are living...In my live, I've loved them all"

Monday, September 26, 2011

Work it out!!!!!

first, that was the safest "work out" picture I could find on google! INSANE!

Second -- I need a new work out routine. Here's the gist of why....

  • I dont do well on my own. Sure, I know HOW to work out and what is good, but I need something that tells me do this on day one and this on day two. I need something fun and exciting or else I'm just going to do the treadmill for a few days and then give up. 
  • I know what 20 year old Tiffany would do, but I don't know what 27 year old Tiffany needs or wants to do....so it's just bringing me down. 
  • I need routine. I'm better with routine. If I have something that is repeatable and fun, then I'll go further with it than just something that I come up with.
  • Preferably, I'd like for it be like a 30 day challenge or something so that I can look at it and kick it's ass! 
So yeah, I need some routine. Any thoughts on what would work? I've tried some of the videos but haven't gotten too committed to them to date. Partly because I don't own them probably.

"Too many people confine their exercise to jumping to conclusions, running up bills, stretching the truth, bending over backward, lying down on the job, sidestepping responsibility and pushing their luck"

Friday, September 23, 2011

Blogiversary (albeit a few months away) Goals

"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world.  This makes it hard to plan the day."
  ~Elwyn Brooks White

I've almost had this blog for 4 years...January 30, 2012 will be my 4 year blogiversary as it were.  I was trying to think of something to write today and I couldn't decide where I should go with this, so I decided to think of what I want to put of more on my blog and what I'd like to write less of. 

Here is my quick, off the top of my head list. 

More photography. 

I love photography. Like LOVE it and I don't devote nearly enough time to taking pictures and posting them on my blog. I've done mostly landscapey stuff, which is all well and good, but I want more adventure pictures. I want to drive around and take road trips and add pictures of the wild and crazy things that I find along the way. Here's hoping that in year 4 of my blog we start seeing some of that!!

More everyday life lessons.
I had a guy tell me this week that if you go through a day and don't learn something then you're not very smart. And I think that's so true. I mean, look at all the really great people from our history...they continuously learned, no matter what age, and no matter what was happening in their lives. I read a lot and I learn a good deal of information that way, but I want to start documenting the things that I learn on a more regular basis. Even if they're really dumb and don't make sense to most people, I want to remember the things I learn and be a life-learner, not just an educated person. 

More excitement!
Lately the blog has been kind of down in the dumps. Which, granted, the blog usually takes on whatever mood my life is having, but I'd like for it to be a little more exciting and a little less gloomy. So, I'm going to try and find things that are more interesting to put on here! 

Less of a therapy session. 
This ties in with the one above. Often times, I use this blog to let out some steam and to vent about the various ongoings in my life. I think that often times though it's like a message to the world that I'm suffering or hurting or feeling depressed. While I think that getting those things out is very important, I'm not so sure it has to be done on my blog. in public. So, I'm going to steer away from using this blog as my therapy and find another way to find that peace in my life. 

These are just a few of the things that have been rattling around in my brain, but here's hoping I get back on a more regular blog posting schedule and that it's more fun for both of us! 

"Just living is not enough.  One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower."  
~Hans Christian Anderson
     

Monday, September 19, 2011

NEW NIECELETTE! NEW NIECELETTE!!!

mmmkay, so my sis is having a baby girl in January and I'm so super excited! I love babies, but I really love baby girls!!!

I just bought her these shoes, and I thought my blog could use a little perking up, so I'm sharing them with you.



So hurry up niecelette! I want you to wear these already!!!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Final Goodbyes

my "dad" playing washers 7/4/11
Friday afternoon, we held a service for my friend Jim. Never in my wildest dreams would I think that at this point in my life, I would be standing up in front of hundreds of people, saying goodbye to one of my most treasured friends. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Part of the difficulty was coming up with the right things to say about my friend. I didn't want to short change him, and I didn't want to be too long winded. I wanted it to be the perfect length and the perfect message. I wrote about 12 different versions and opted for a shorter one because I knew that I was barely going to make it through. The first speaker did an amazing job. She talked about her time with Jim and the young children of the church. She talked about how Jim would care for the children of his Sunday School class from the time they were 4 and on. And how he treasured them the rest of their lives.

I was second but I'll skip my speech to tell you about the other 3. Jim's friend Frank got up and did an amazing job sending off his best friend. He talked about the talent show act they had done for so many years. And he talked about the fun stuff, the trips to the river, the washer tournaments, and how Jim was truly a brother to him. He was followed by Jim's son Chris who did such an awesome job, I was in awe. He eloquently described his dad to a "t" and gave such a heart felt speech it was hard not to bawl. Chris was followed by another long time friend, Rick. Rick and Jim were long time friends and skiers and they often skied just the two of them (while their wives stayed in and slept or shopped :) ) They would have long conversations about life and everything in between on the mountaintops in Lake Tahoe. He spoke of what Jim would want us to remember even though we're all going to miss him so very much. He started with a poem that resonated with me because it's so very true. (I'm not too happy with her website, but you can find it here.) It essentially talks about living the "dash" between your birth date and your date of death on your tombstone. It's a wonderful poem.

My speech was second, as I said. I had practiced it a million times and knew the words forwards and backwards. I thought for sure I would be able to get up in the pulpit, and say it without sobbing and without falling apart. I have never been more wrong in my life. I cried the entire time. I would try to stop and then would get to another part of the speech and cry some more. I felt terrible because it was not the tribute I wanted to give, but I simply could not stand reading the final words of my great friend. I was heartbroken. Luckily, everyone seemed to have received it well and complimented me on my speech, but I wish I could have cried a little less and smiled a little bit more.

I am honored and thankful that I was asked to speak at his service. And I'm proud of myself for doing it. I am terribly saddened by the fact that I said my final words of goodbye to my "adopted dad" on Friday, but I know I'll still speak to him and feel his presence throughout my life. I'll miss him terribly, but he'll always be with me because I was lucky enough to make a lifetime of memories with him.

I used this quote when Preston passed away and it's still true today. I read it often and remember the goo instead of the bad.

"...when you are sorrowful look again to your heart, and you shall see that in truth, you are weeping for that which has been your delight."
-Kahlil Gibran

Rest in peace my love. I'll be seeing you.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

How do you sum up an amazing man?

My friend Jim passed away on Sunday at about 12:20AM. I'm heartbroken, but at peace because I know that he would never have been the same had he ever gotten out of the hospital and I know that he hated every minute of being intubated and sedated, lying in a hospital bed.

His wife has asked me to speak at his service. Which is an amazing honor and one I will not take lightly, but I'm having a really hard time summing up what he meant to me. He was my mentor. My "adopted dad". And my friend. And for 23 years of my life he played such a big role that trimming it down to just 5 or 10 minutes seems to be an injustice. But, at the same time, I know that he would hate for me to get up there and dote on him for 30 minutes!

It's weird. You know, when people are living, we hardly ever think about what we would say about them if they passed. And then when we're gone, it's like we can't find the right words. Guess that's kind of the bitterness of death. You always feel like you could have enjoyed a moment with them a little bit more, stayed in that moment a little bit longer, or found the words to tell them what they meant to you before they were gone.

Luckily, I know that Jim loved me and he knew how much I loved him. That's something he taught me: ;love is the greatest gift and we should share it with the world. So I'm going to live my life in that way - loving those around me without fail and teaching others how to love. You never know how much time you have on this earth, and living in hate is just far too difficult. But living in love? Ahh, now that's rewarding.

Rest in peace my dear sweet friend. I know I'll see you again when my life here is through. I'll miss you every day of forever.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Life doesn't always lead where you think it might...

I've done a lot of soul searching these past few weeks and I've come to realize one ultimate truth: life doesn't always lead where we think it might or where we think it should.

Let me explain. There are forces at work in my life that are seriously testing me. Testing my strength, my courage, and my faith. Testing my ability to remain positive in the face of negativity. Testing the bonds in my life to both my family, my friends, and my extended church family.

Some of the realizations that I've come to, I think I've danced around before and just haven't fully committed to them. But some of them have been pleasant surprises that have made me realize how incredibly lucky I've been to have some amazing people surrounding me. I've had friends in my life step up in ways I didn't ever think they would. Friends who have simply known it was a bad day and shown up just to give me a hug or called for a lunch date to give me a hug. Friends who warm embraces have saved me on more than one occasion. The bond between us has grown so much stronger and I feel so lucky that I've gotten to know them better, albeit through one of the more difficult times in my life.

My church family has always been amazing. One person told me once that the amazing thing about a community of faith is that someone will pray for you when you no longer have the strength to pray for yourself. And it's true. I know that my church family knows how difficult it has been for me to have Jim in the hospital and going through so many bad days. But in my moments of absolute despair, I've felt something come over me. Something peaceful and calming. And I truly believe that it's their prayers coming through at a time when I need them the most.

I'm not sure what the ultimate plan is for me during this time or for my dear sweet Jim But I think part of the plan has been showing me people who are going to be more permanent fixtures in my life and people who I should be surrounding myself with. People who build my faith and strengthen my beliefs. People who have shown up to hug me when I needed the hug the most. I'm blessed to have such an amazing family and "family". I sometimes forget that because things get hard and I want to focus on those things instead, but I'm going to start making a better effort to focus on the positive things. Like the amazing people in my life who have been there for me these past few weeks.

"Families are the compass that guide us. They are the inspiration to reach great heights, and our comfort when we occasionally falter."
~ Brad Henry ~

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Let it be.....

Here is the most information I have on the moment about my friend Jim.

Yesterday, I went to the hospital just to check in and was planning on staying about 20 minutes. When I walked in, his wife was crying and they told me that they were in the process of re-intubating him. Apparently, yesterday had not been a good day. He had done some exercises in the morning, but between about 2:00PM and 4:00PM, he started taking a turn down a dangerous path.

He couldn't breathe and he was very confused. He has been confused for the past few days, since coming off the ventillator on Sunday. We all thought that the medicine was reacting with him and was just taking a time to leave his system and clear his mind. But yesterday, he wasn't any better. He was asking for friends to call 911 and to get him help. The thing is, physically, until yesterday afternoon, he was doing pretty well. The nurses were impressed with his improvements and felt like he was doing remarkably well for someone in his position. Other than being convinced that he wasn't doing well, he was on what seemed to be the right path.

After they intubated him again yesterday afternoon, he wasn't responding the way that they had wanted him to. He was still breathing very heavily and they couldn't get him to rest. Which is part of the reason why they went ahead and re-intubated him, to give his body some rest. So, they were working to chemically calm him down and get his numbers all back on track. He is supposed to have a tracheotomy today to allow for a breathing tube directly in his trach which would lead to less sedation and more flexibility. But, with his numbers being as bad as they were last night, they weren't sure if they were going to go through with it this morning. I'm not sure where we stand with that at this moment.

I believe that the doctors believe that he can and will make it through this rough patch. It's possible that his body just needs more time to recover from the acute onset of the IPF. (idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis). He's fighting and that's good. He hasn't been Jim since he woke up on Sunday. He's been very scared and confused and talking about death. He spoke about it before he was ventilated and that was more him. He was very calm about it and matter of fact. This Jim is almost child like.

I keep reminding myself of the Beatles song 'Let it Be'. I know that there is nothing I can do for him other than pray and support his family through this extremely difficult time. But it is so hard to see him lying there and to hear him begging you not to leave the room because he's scared. It's funny the way the mind can betray us so quickly.

Please pray for or send your positive vibes and good karma to my friend Jim. I'm going to be praying for whatever is best, even though that's not necessarily what I want to pray for. I'd much rather pray that he walks out of the hospital in the next few days and returns to the Jim I know and love so much.

"When I find myself in trouble, Mother Mary comes to me....speaking words of wisdom 'let it be'
'let it be, let it be. there will be an answer let it be'"
- The Beatles

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

I'm a little worn out....

I've always found writing to be somewhat cathartic and this blog has been no different for me.

I'm a little worn out. I say a little because if I say a lot then I'll feel the pressure of "a lot" and then it'll be overwhelming. If I say a little then I'll feel the pressure of a "little" and it'll be easier to handle.

I feel like so many people are hurting around me and suffering and like there is nothing I can do to help. It really sucks. I know that most people would acknowledge that their friends are hurting and move on. Or maybe they wouldn't even try to talk to them about it. But, that's just not who I am. I'm hurting because I know that people I care about are hurting too. Not only that, but some of the hurting is very personal for me as well. My "adopted dad" is still in the hospital dealing with some pretty serious withdrawal symptoms from all of the medication he was on. Not only that, but he has been diagnosed with idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis which is a degenerative lung disease. Until he gets more stable in the hospital, we can't even know what level he's at.

And someone I care about deeply lost her husband. I wasn't particuarly close to him, but over the past 8 months, by serving on a committee with her, I have become very close to her. And I love her dearly.

The thing is though, I wouldn't change my life. I wouldn't change myself. Although I am hurting because people I love are hurting, when they are happy, so am I. When they are celebrating big events in their life, so am I. I feel the same amount of happiness for the good things as I do sadness for the bad things. So, it's okay. I'm going to be okay. We're all going to be okay. Someday, this will pass and it will feel like a distant memory in a crappy time in our lives. I'm not going to stop caring as much as I do or loving people as much as I do. For they are enriching my life in ways I never knew possible.

"One person caring about another represents life's greatest value."

Monday, August 29, 2011

You have to take the good with the bad...

This weekend was filled with such excitement and heartache all at the same time.

A "friend" (I say "friend" because she's more like family to me) lost her husband on Friday morning. He passed in his sleep, which is a blessing, but it was unexpected. He had played golf on Tuesday and mowed the church lawn on Wednesday. While I wasn't very close to him, I do consider myself close to her. And I know that their marriage was a long, happy marriage, and that she wouldn't want anyone to be upset for her, it is still heartbreaking to hear of someone you care about losing someone they love.

In the midst of the aftermath of his passing, Jim seemed to be getting better. They were lowering his sedation so that they could determine when he would be ready to remove the ventilation tube that was stuck down his throat. They first attempted to do it on Saturday morning, but it didn't work out. He was far too agitated and annoyed by something to remain calm enough for the procedure. After lots of conversations with him, mostly telling him that he had to remain calm for them to do the procedure, and that the doctors were hopeful he would do great without it, they were able to extubate him yesterday! It was such exciting news and even more exciting when I got to the hospital and got to have a conversation with him. He told me he loved me and that he was glad the tube was out. Among a few other things. It was truly a great day.

We now know that Jim has idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis which is incurable. I'm not sure what the course of action will be going forward, or how long we'll have with him after this. But, I know that he's here for now, and I'm going to cherish every minute of time I get with him. 

So, you have to take the bad and the good. No matter which way they come at you. Life is about mixing them together and it's not going to stop just because we don't like it. The bad is going to keep coming but so will the good. It's about learning to pair those together that matters.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Photography....

If I had to pick a second life to lead, I would want to be a photographer. Not the kind who does like wedding photography, etc. although I'm thankful to the people who do that, I'd want to be more like national geographic great and swim with the sharks to get my pictures!

But, I'm not that kind of person. Instead, I work a stupid 8-5 job that I like on most days but would trade in a heartbeat for something more thrilling. I was going through some pictures from vacation last year and here are some of my favorites of  Costa Rica.... Ahh to be there again...hopefully not during the rainy season this time!






I'm including this one to show you what my idea of "people" pics is....people do not want pictures of themselves like this! I know!





So what is the point of this post? Oh, right. To tell you, blogosphere (all 5 of you) that I want to do more with my life. I don't want to just take fun pictures of my nieces and nephews (and maybe kids some day). I want to travel and take fun pictures of the world! Or just of Texas. Shoot, that's even better  than not taking any pictures!!!

So, here's hoping that after I finish my MBA (in October) I have more free time on the weekends to just get out there and drive! Stop at every hole in the wall diner I want to and just take pictures of the world out there. There's so much out there, that it's got to be more fun than this!

Plus, with the hubs going back to school....I'm going to be awfully bored on the weekends I think!


“There is only you and your camera. The limitations in your photography are in yourself, for what we see is what we are.”
-Ernest Haas

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Google and Fat

Okay first, I just want to say that it's a little disturbing how many Jessica Simpson pictures come up if you do a Google image search on "fat". I mean, really guys? She's not even fat! Sure, she gained a few pounds here and there, but overall, she's still pretty damn hot. I honestly couldn't believe how many pictures of her came up! Sooooo we'll be skipping a picture for this blog because obviously the internets has lost it's damn mind.

Second.....I've been a little harsh on myself these last two days but I think that I'm probably going to have to keep being harsh because I feel like (and I know deep down) that my weight is bothering me and is slightly out of control. Whew. That's hard to say out loud!!! I've known for probably a year or so that I needed to do something about my weight. That it's out of control. That I'm unhappy with the way I look and feel. But, I'm lacking the motivation. No matter how much I call myself a fat ass or tell myself that I'm overweight, I still haven't found the inspiration to go to the gym. It's actually quite lame and annoying. And I know that if I would just get there once, I'd probably feel better and feel like going back. But sadly, that hasn't happened either.

I've started calling myself out on it...if you follow me on Twitter (which you should because my comments are dumb just like this blog), then you would have seen my tweet yesterday questioning whether the guys at the gas station are checking me out because I look cute or because they're debating whether or not I can run away from them if robbed.....it made me lol. But that's the thing. It made me laugh. It didn't force me to get to the gym.

So, here's what I propose blogosphere....that I quit being so lame and hold myself accountable through you guys. I know like 5 people read this, but 5 people is more than just me, right?

Here's hoping that holding myself accountable, by talking to you guys, will help me in the whole process of not being a lard ass and being more like my old self. My cute, skinny self. Who was happier!

And if you so desire, you can find me as "tiffytrox" on Twitter. You know you want to. As long as you're not some creepy internet troll, I'll even let you follow me! 


"Too many people confine their exercise to jumping to conclusions, running up bills, stretching the truth, bending over backward, lying down on the job, sidestepping responsibility and pushing their luck." Anonymous

Saturday, August 20, 2011

I'm a bleeding heart

I've said it before, but it was probably like 1,000 posts ago and so nobody remembers it. There is one thing about me that is both a blessing and a curse.

I'm a bleeding heart.

I'm sure the internet has tons of descriptions for what a bleeding heart is, but here is what it means to me.....and I'm not even sure why this is the definition that I have of it. I feel EVERYTHING at a level to me that is probably a little too intense for most people. I feel ecstatic more than most (if I had to guess) and it's usually about stupid things. I feel anger stronger than most of the people I know. And I feel sadness more than most people I know. It's a blessing because when someone tells me something about themselves that is good or happy, I am over the moon for them! I think it's amazing and truly celebrate their happiness. When I'm upset, sometimes, I tend to hold a grudge against people and it can some times take me a long time to forgive someone, if I ever actually do. And when my loved ones, or even myself are hurting, my heart breaks into a million little pieces for them.

I realize that I just made myself sound like a manic depressant, but that's not true. I'm not manic. It's not like I go through these emotions on a regular basis. Instead, most days are pretty evenly balanced. Normal, just like everyone else (with a few quirks).

Lately though, as someone I think of as an adoptive father to me, lays in a hospital bed, with a ventilator breathing for him, I feel like pieces of my heart are falling off every day and like eventually, my heart is going to be broken beyond repair. It absolutely kills me to see him in so much disarray and discomfort. And hearing that the doctors have no idea what exactly is wrong makes it all that much harder. I want to punch them sometimes because how can you go to medical school, make as much money as you do for knowing medical things, and not be able to fix my friend? It's ludicrous. 

My heart hurts because his family is hurting. They are just as exhausted and disheveled  as he is and I fear that they are on the brink of breaking. It's hard to watch someone you love lie there and know that you are completely helpless. And they do it every day, all day.

I saw him before they intubated him and it was really hard. We had a really good heart to heart about where he is, and what he hopes will happen, but also what he's ready for. He's convinced that the right plan will take it's course and that might not mean that he gets better. Which, is very hard to hear from someone you care about so deeply. I cried and cried and instead of me comforting him through such a difficult time, he was comforting me.

It's a curse to feel things so deeply because my anxiety has been off the charts these past few days and I haven't felt like doing much more than being at the hospital or lying around the house.

My thoughts are in a thousand places so if this seems to ramble, I truly apologize. I love that I feel my friends' happiness and their sadness, but feeling my own happiness and sadness so deeply is very hard for me. I much prefer the days when my emotions are more even and balanced and things are just normal. Here's hoping that my friend recovers and we all find normalcy soon.

UPDATE: My dear friend (who writes this blog FYI) sent me this email this morning. I like what she said and it reiterates what I was attempting to say in my original post anyway...so here it is:

You also have such a tendency to open your heart and become close to a lot of people, so whenever they struggle (and you have a large network of friends, so it’s like there’s always someone having a tough time) your heart breaks. :( But imagine how good that can be. What if you never opened your heart up? You’d miss out on so much. Sure, it’d break less, but you’d love less…and then, what’s the point of life? Doesn’t make the tough times easier though!