Final Goodbyes

my "dad" playing washers 7/4/11

Friday afternoon, we held a service for my friend Jim. Never in my wildest dreams would I think that at this point in my life, I would be standing up in front of hundreds of people, saying goodbye to one of my most treasured friends. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Part of the difficulty was coming up with the right things to say about my friend. I didn't want to short change him, and I didn't want to be too long winded. I wanted it to be the perfect length and the perfect message. I wrote about 12 different versions and opted for a shorter one because I knew that I was barely going to make it through. The first speaker did an amazing job. She talked about her time with Jim and the young children of the church. She talked about how Jim would care for the children of his Sunday School class from the time they were 4 and on. And how he treasured them the rest of their lives.

I was second but I'll skip my speech to tell you about the other 3. Jim's friend Frank got up and did an amazing job sending off his best friend. He talked about the talent show act they had done for so many years. And he talked about the fun stuff, the trips to the river, the washer tournaments, and how Jim was truly a brother to him. He was followed by Jim's son Chris who did such an awesome job, I was in awe. He eloquently described his dad to a "t" and gave such a heart felt speech it was hard not to bawl. Chris was followed by another long time friend, Rick. Rick and Jim were long time friends and skiers and they often skied just the two of them (while their wives stayed in and slept or shopped :) ) They would have long conversations about life and everything in between on the mountaintops in Lake Tahoe. He spoke of what Jim would want us to remember even though we're all going to miss him so very much. He started with a poem that resonated with me because it's so very true. (I'm not too happy with her website, but you can find it here.) It essentially talks about living the "dash" between your birth date and your date of death on your tombstone. It's a wonderful poem.

My speech was second, as I said. I had practiced it a million times and knew the words forwards and backwards. I thought for sure I would be able to get up in the pulpit, and say it without sobbing and without falling apart. I have never been more wrong in my life. I cried the entire time. I would try to stop and then would get to another part of the speech and cry some more. I felt terrible because it was not the tribute I wanted to give, but I simply could not stand reading the final words of my great friend. I was heartbroken. Luckily, everyone seemed to have received it well and complimented me on my speech, but I wish I could have cried a little less and smiled a little bit more.

I am honored and thankful that I was asked to speak at his service. And I'm proud of myself for doing it. I am terribly saddened by the fact that I said my final words of goodbye to my "adopted dad" on Friday, but I know I'll still speak to him and feel his presence throughout my life. I'll miss him terribly, but he'll always be with me because I was lucky enough to make a lifetime of memories with him.

I used this quote when Preston passed away and it's still true today. I read it often and remember the goo instead of the bad.

"...when you are sorrowful look again to your heart, and you shall see that in truth, you are weeping for that which has been your delight."
-Kahlil Gibran

Rest in peace my love. I'll be seeing you.

Let it be.....

Here is the most information I have on the moment about my friend Jim.

Yesterday, I went to the hospital just to check in and was planning on staying about 20 minutes. When I walked in, his wife was crying and they told me that they were in the process of re-intubating him. Apparently, yesterday had not been a good day. He had done some exercises in the morning, but between about 2:00PM and 4:00PM, he started taking a turn down a dangerous path.

He couldn't breathe and he was very confused. He has been confused for the past few days, since coming off the ventillator on Sunday. We all thought that the medicine was reacting with him and was just taking a time to leave his system and clear his mind. But yesterday, he wasn't any better. He was asking for friends to call 911 and to get him help. The thing is, physically, until yesterday afternoon, he was doing pretty well. The nurses were impressed with his improvements and felt like he was doing remarkably well for someone in his position. Other than being convinced that he wasn't doing well, he was on what seemed to be the right path.

After they intubated him again yesterday afternoon, he wasn't responding the way that they had wanted him to. He was still breathing very heavily and they couldn't get him to rest. Which is part of the reason why they went ahead and re-intubated him, to give his body some rest. So, they were working to chemically calm him down and get his numbers all back on track. He is supposed to have a tracheotomy today to allow for a breathing tube directly in his trach which would lead to less sedation and more flexibility. But, with his numbers being as bad as they were last night, they weren't sure if they were going to go through with it this morning. I'm not sure where we stand with that at this moment.

I believe that the doctors believe that he can and will make it through this rough patch. It's possible that his body just needs more time to recover from the acute onset of the IPF. (idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis). He's fighting and that's good. He hasn't been Jim since he woke up on Sunday. He's been very scared and confused and talking about death. He spoke about it before he was ventilated and that was more him. He was very calm about it and matter of fact. This Jim is almost child like.

I keep reminding myself of the Beatles song 'Let it Be'. I know that there is nothing I can do for him other than pray and support his family through this extremely difficult time. But it is so hard to see him lying there and to hear him begging you not to leave the room because he's scared. It's funny the way the mind can betray us so quickly.

Please pray for or send your positive vibes and good karma to my friend Jim. I'm going to be praying for whatever is best, even though that's not necessarily what I want to pray for. I'd much rather pray that he walks out of the hospital in the next few days and returns to the Jim I know and love so much.

"When I find myself in trouble, Mother Mary comes to me....speaking words of wisdom 'let it be'
'let it be, let it be. there will be an answer let it be'"
- The Beatles

Today officially sucks.

This month, as I've mentioned hasn't been nearly the month that it was supposed to be. And it has in no way compared to the super fun, carefree month that July was. In fact, it flat out sucks.

Last night, over the course of who knows how long, my sister's dog passed away. It sucks because we were holding out hope that he was going to get better and would rebound from this bout of whatever it was. But he didn't. And my sister is left feeling like he thought they abandoned him and that's why he was there all alone. When in fact it was actually because the vet's office was closed and he was hooked up to an IV. I know that some of you have children, so your pets aren't as important to you as they are to those of us who don't have children.....but, when pets are part of your family, it's terrible to have to go through the loss of them. My only hope is that his natural tendency to be overly anxious has subsided and he's finally at peace.

My friend is still in the hospital with no known cause of illness. It royally sucks. All they know is that he's still having trouble breathing although otherwise he's doing better. SUCKS.

And today, of all days, is the 1 year anniversary of my sweet friend Preston passing away. It's surreal really. Hard to believe that it's been 52 weeks, 12 months, and 365 days since he was here with us. Time goes on I suppose whether we're ready to accept it or not. It always moves forward. Funny how that happens.

Squeeze your loved ones (human and otherwise) extra tight for me today. You just never know when it might be the last squeeze.

"when you are sorrowful, look again in your heart and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight"
Kahlil Gibran

It's a blessing and a curse......

I wear my heart on my sleeve. Especially when it comes to friends and family. I've never been good at being very guarded, and I've kind of always cared more about others than I probably should. I've always put other people's feelings before my own. In some instances, it's a blessing. I've been able to be there for people when they needed me and put my own anger or whatever aside to do what needed to be done.

Other times, it's a curse. I've learned in a rather unpleasant way this week that most people only think about themselves when making decisions. They don't consider other people's feelings and they do what will be fun for them regardless of what might be involved otherwise. I know that the hurt they inflict is unintentional, but it's still being inflicted. And to them, I know that it makes no sense. Because, if you're not someone who wears your heart on your sleeve, then you're never going to understand how it might feel for a friend to not consider your feelings when making  a choice.

Moral of the story? I've got to quit caring so much. I've got to get tougher and protect me more so that I don't end up in situations where I'm the one being hurt. If I'm the only friend in the relationship who is putting thought into how my actions might affect the other person, then I'm the fool. 

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on ME.

at what point do you get a break!?!??!

ever notice that it  seems like no two parts of your life can be in happiness at the same time?
I know at some point, things were good in all aspects of my life. I loved my job, I loved my friends, I loved my family. Lately though, it seems like if I love my family too much, my friendships suffer. Or if I love my job too much my family suffers. And if I like my friends too much, my job suffers. It just seems like this never ending stabbing that I can't overcome.

It's like the universe is constantly keeping score for me and if my score gets too high, it slaps me back down saying "no, no, no, you're not allowed to get that high." It's so frustrating!

On top of all this, I've been feeling very insecure with myself lately. I feel like I'm not measuring up to what I'm supposed to be, not only professionally, but personally too. I constantly feel like I'm letting someone down and not doing what's best for the universe. It's so exhausting. Last night I literally cried myself to sleep because I could not come up with a better plan. things from the day were weighing heavily on me and I got into a fight with one of my most treasured friends. It was just a rough night. I was already feeling worn down by the day and the events of the week but last night it felt like it all came to a head and all I could do was cry. Normally, crying is a release. A release of stress and pint up anger that floods from my eyes and makes me feel better. Last night, it was the opposite. It was like I was crying because I had no way out of a bottomless pit. I just keep falling.

Maybe this doesn't make sense to anyone, or maybe it does. I'm not really in the mood to figure out if this is going to be an enlightening post or not. Just had some things to get off my chest I guess.