I'm a bleeding heart.
I'm sure the internet has tons of descriptions for what a bleeding heart is, but here is what it means to me.....and I'm not even sure why this is the definition that I have of it. I feel EVERYTHING at a level to me that is probably a little too intense for most people. I feel ecstatic more than most (if I had to guess) and it's usually about stupid things. I feel anger stronger than most of the people I know. And I feel sadness more than most people I know. It's a blessing because when someone tells me something about themselves that is good or happy, I am over the moon for them! I think it's amazing and truly celebrate their happiness. When I'm upset, sometimes, I tend to hold a grudge against people and it can some times take me a long time to forgive someone, if I ever actually do. And when my loved ones, or even myself are hurting, my heart breaks into a million little pieces for them.
I realize that I just made myself sound like a manic depressant, but that's not true. I'm not manic. It's not like I go through these emotions on a regular basis. Instead, most days are pretty evenly balanced. Normal, just like everyone else (with a few quirks).
Lately though, as someone I think of as an adoptive father to me, lays in a hospital bed, with a ventilator breathing for him, I feel like pieces of my heart are falling off every day and like eventually, my heart is going to be broken beyond repair. It absolutely kills me to see him in so much disarray and discomfort. And hearing that the doctors have no idea what exactly is wrong makes it all that much harder. I want to punch them sometimes because how can you go to medical school, make as much money as you do for knowing medical things, and not be able to fix my friend? It's ludicrous.
My heart hurts because his family is hurting. They are just as exhausted and disheveled as he is and I fear that they are on the brink of breaking. It's hard to watch someone you love lie there and know that you are completely helpless. And they do it every day, all day.
I saw him before they intubated him and it was really hard. We had a really good heart to heart about where he is, and what he hopes will happen, but also what he's ready for. He's convinced that the right plan will take it's course and that might not mean that he gets better. Which, is very hard to hear from someone you care about so deeply. I cried and cried and instead of me comforting him through such a difficult time, he was comforting me.
It's a curse to feel things so deeply because my anxiety has been off the charts these past few days and I haven't felt like doing much more than being at the hospital or lying around the house.
My thoughts are in a thousand places so if this seems to ramble, I truly apologize. I love that I feel my friends' happiness and their sadness, but feeling my own happiness and sadness so deeply is very hard for me. I much prefer the days when my emotions are more even and balanced and things are just normal. Here's hoping that my friend recovers and we all find normalcy soon.
UPDATE: My dear friend (who writes this blog FYI) sent me this email this morning. I like what she said and it reiterates what I was attempting to say in my original post anyway...so here it is:
You also have such a tendency to open your heart and become close to a lot of people, so whenever they struggle (and you have a large network of friends, so it’s like there’s always someone having a tough time) your heart breaks. :( But imagine how good that can be. What if you never opened your heart up? You’d miss out on so much. Sure, it’d break less, but you’d love less…and then, what’s the point of life? Doesn’t make the tough times easier though!
