It's the simple things...

That handsome devil is my grandfather. He's 82, a retired Lt. Col in the Army, and one of my all time favorite people. Unfortunately, he has no idea who I am. He has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and although we won't know for sure until he's left us, he certainly has the tell tale signs of a person suffering from Alzheimer's. He can't remember who my father (his son) is, and he doesn't remember my paternal grandmother or my aunts. He has a hard time remembering my cousins or my step-grandmother's children. He can remember his wife and the staff who takes care of him at the home where he now lives. He can remember that he goes to dialysis three times a week and to physical therapy twice a week, even if he can't remember what it's called exactly. He remembers that his birthday is coming up and that he had a party last year even though he doesn't remember that most of his children were there.

The best part of the person that my grandfather has become is the innocence is his demeanor and behind his eyes. Before, there was a shadow of a man who had fought hard in two wars and had come back to a life that was not something he was used to. He was a loving man, and always made you feel special, but he was distant. You could tell there were things within him that he would never tell you, even if you begged. Now however, he will tell you just about everything he remembers. Sunday, as I was driving back from San Antonio, we stopped to see him on our way out. It still makes me laugh to think about the things he was saying to me.

Gpa:Did you know my birthday is coming up? I'm going to be 83! I can't believe it!
Me: yes, grandpa, I knew. I'm your granddaughter, I know a lot about you.
Gpa: You are? That's great!
Gpa: I want to have a birthday party for my birthday, I think it's May 24. You should come! You seem nice!
Me: how are you doing? Are you doing alright?
Gpa: I could go for some coffee, they have some coffee back there, ya know?
Me: Oh, I didn't know.
Gpa: Yeah, I'm not supposed to have any, but they have some back there.
Me: would you like some coffee?
Gpa: OH sure!

It would sure be something to be able to take in the simple things in life, like birthday parties, and coffee without constantly being reminded of all the things in your life that are causing stress or demanding your attention. Seems like lately I've been making lots of promises to try and be better at this or that, I think what I really need to do, is slow down, and enjoy the simple things in life. Whether it be dinner with my girlfriends, or playing with my dogs, or even sitting with a man who doesn't remember who I am, but is still excited to see me....just taking time to slow down and enjoy this moment, this very moment in my life will pull all the other things together.

So, to my 5 friends who read this blog (there may be more random people out there) I give you some of the simple things in my life that I'm going to slow down and really appreciate.
This is Wilson. He's 5, almost 6. I enjoy him because he's the most loving dog in the world!

This is Bailey. She is my first love! She's the sweetest, and most beautiful dog I have ever seen! And she happens to be the most spoiled dog on the planet!
This tree was planted shortly after my grandfather (not the same as above) was buried in 1985. It started as a small tree that was new, and fresh. Today, it towers over all the other trees at Fort Sam Houston Cemetery and provides shade not only for my grandfather, but also for all the soldiers and family members buried around him. I took time to appreciate this "simple thing" on Saturday when we stopped to visit his grave. I'm going to keep this picture close to me so that when things start getting out of control in my life again, I can time to stop and appreciate this tree again.

"By living one day at a time, you live all the days of your life"

Life's Too Short...

So, Sunday evening, my mom tells me that my cousin called with bad news. As it turns out, her husband has brain cancer. And as the story continues to unfold we've learned that the cancer has spread over his entire body. His approximate life span is 2 months. He's refusing chemo and just wants to wait out his time, doing things that he enjoys.

I haven't really talked about it, because I haven't known what to say. I'm not good with serious situations, I never have been. I'm good with light hearted situations and things that in the end don't change the way you view life forever. My mom, grandma and I are going to head down to see him in the hospital either today or tomorrow and hopefully will enjoy a nice long visit with him, knowing in the back of our minds it very well might be the last time we see him alive.

After hearing the news of my cousin's husband, I was hit with the realization that I often take my days and my moments for granted. I've never slowed down long enough to think "What if I don't wake up tomorrow? What will my life say about me?" Sure, when other people have gotten sick or left us too soon, I've paused and pondered the meaning of life. But I've never held onto the lesson I learned very long and I've always managed to go right back to living my life 1,000 days at a time always thinking ahead and never stopping to enjoy the moment. Sure, I live my life in moments that take my breath away, or so I would like to think. But the problem is, I smoosh all the moments together until I get about a year's worth of them together and then, THEN I take a minute to appreciate them.

The sad truth is....life's too short to squish all your moments together. Life is too short to never think "What if I don't wake up tomorrow?" We should think that. Not because we're morbid and obsessed with death, but because we're mature enough to realize that any day could be our last and every day is worth cherishing. The fact of the matter is, we've hit that age where our friends could find out they have cancer or some other terminal illness. Although rare, it's more common for people in their 30's to be hit with life threatening diseases than people in the'r adoloescent years. (I realize I'm not in my 30's yet...but hey, I'm close). A friend of mine went through a crazy illness not that long ago. It turned out to be some kind of something they've yet to determine, but it left her in the ICU for days. At the time, I told myself that I would make a better effort to see her more and to talk to her more often. I think I've seen her twice since then, and the talking...well we don't talk as often as I'd like. But this is exaclty my point. Things always happen where we think "I'm going to be a better friend" "I'm going to tell them that they matter to me" and then we do for a week or so and we're right back to taking life for granted again.

I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'm not saying I'm going to be good at living, really LIVING each and every day of my life. I'm saying that life is too short for us to forget that we should truly L I V E each day of our life. Life is too short to not call your friends and to not plan dinner dates with them. Life is too short to plan 1,000 days in advance. Plan for today. Plan for tomorrow. But stop there. Make plans you can appreciate and not ones that you go through routinely. Enjoy the plans you make. Enjoy the time you have with your friends and loved ones. The bottom line is that one day it may be the last day you spend with them. And the hard part is that it's hard for us to know the majority of the time if it is the last day we will see them. Life is too short to pretend like bad things don't sometimes happen to good people. And life is too short to not cherish every moment of every day.

"But friendship is precious; not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life, and thanks to a benevolent arrangement, the greater part of life is sunshine. "
-Thomas Jefferson

When I Grow Up...

So when I was younger (like in my high school days), I was a pretty decent writer. I don't even remember getting a grade lower than an A on any paper that I had to write. But clearly, something has happened. I've lost my vocabulary, spelling abilities, and writing wit. It's like I'm drowning in 5th grade grammar and 8th grade language! It's quite embarrassing to be honest, and I want my eloquent writing skills back! Granted, a blog that everyone can see on the internet might not be the best place to display my writing talents, but it's got to be a good start, right? RIGHT?

Belle is a writer. Like a for real, wants to get published and be famous some day, writer. I want to be a writer. Not because I want to get published and be famous some day, but because I have stories bouncing around in my head all the time. And the more I listen to Belle, the more I want to write them down and create a great work of fiction. (Again, without the fame and probably spiral bound by the machine downstairs in my office).

But maybe I'll start with this blog. I can spruce it up...it definitely needs it and I can start trying to get back the skills that apparently left me with that 20,000th beer I had in college. I don't know what I would write about on my blog that would be different than what I normally talk about on here, but good golly miss molly something has go to be better than what I usually hit on now!

I think I'll first take pen to paper and try to "plot" out something worth writing about on there first. If it's good enough, I'll post it on here and everyone can tell me how terrible it is and I'll go back to blogging about Jessica Simpson and TI.

"even the best writer has to erase"
- spanish proverb

I'm just spending all my time erasing....that's all.

It's about dancing in the rain....

There are moments in life that absolutely take your breath away. Sometimes it's a memory, or a place that you've been to before. Sometimes it's a song that takes you back to a specific memory or time in your life. And sometimes it's an old friend that you weren't expecting to hear from.

All of these things at one point or another have taken my breath away.

Although I live in a "big city", I find that my breath is taken away by the beauty of a Dallas sunset on a regular basis. And often times, as I'm driving to work with the sun rising, I'm reminded that I am a much smaller part of this world than I generally perceive myself to be.

My life has a soundtrack to it and often times, I'm stopped in my tracks by a song that takes me back to a certain summer or specific year of my life that makes me pause and think about where I was the first time I heard that particular song, or why that song means so much to me. I will forever remember being a little girl and listening to "In My Life" by the Beatles with my daddy. And then following that up with several years of singing it together at the top of our lungs. I will forever remember the moment "Crash" by Dave Matthews Band became one of the most important songs of my life, even if I never share with everyone why. I will always remember the night that I was introduced as Mrs. instead of Miss and twirled around the dance floor with the person I plan to spend the rest of my life with.

I will always remember the moment I watched a plane crash into the World Trade Center before heading to school my senior year. Although I was too naive and ignorant to grasp the ramifications of what was about to happen, I will always remember the feelings I had when those images were being shown on TV. And I will always remember my friend's faces as they too found out what had happened.

Today I was rendered breathless again, although I'll choose not to admit why. And it reminded me that those are the moments I live for. Whether they leave me feeling happy or sad doesn't matter, what matters is that my life is still being lived in moments that take my breath away.

Although memories, old friends, places and songs are not always the happiest of memories, I will continue to live my life hoping for moments that take my breath away because those are the moments that show us who we really are. That remind us that we are alive and that we are capable of loving, being loved, and showing emotion. Sure there are memories that we'd rather not remember, or songs that maybe hold a little too much memory for us, but in the end, life is about the journey. It's about the moments of sadness and happiness that come together to create a journey. A journey that lasts our lifetimes and continually takes turns that we never expect. So today, I'm thankful for the moments that take my breath away. Good, bad, and otherwise.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's learning to dance in the rain"

Some blogs need air!

Okay, so maybe blogs don't really need air, but I figure it'll get someone's attention!!!

So, not a whole lot is going on in my world, other than stress galore and desperately needing more sleep than I'm getting.

Let's see: Monday - Friday I get this huge knot in my stomach as I walk up to my office wondering if today is the day that people's badges are going to quit working. Now, while my company has never officially been a fan of laying off people, the current economic times certainly don't make for an easy feeling in the stomach. Especially since our industry is basically being drug through the mud and then run over by an 18 wheeler, and probably then peed on by a stray dog. I wouldn't be surprised if at some point, some one loses their job. Hopefully it's not me, and hopefully it's not any of my friends. But, you have to cut costs at some point right?

Started my MBA, and that is kicking my rear. Apparently, spending two, almost three years away from school really takes it's toll on you. I am having a difficult time managing my time. I guess when it was my Bachelor's the whole not having a full time job thing really helped. But now, it's sooo hard to work all day and then still find time to go home and start writing a paper. But in the end, with the good Lord's help, I will finish and I will be extremely proud of myself. See, the thing is, my Bachelor's was just kind of the natural progression from high school. It was always understood that I would go to college and get a degree. And gosh darnit, I would do it in as close to 4 years as possible! So when I finsihed, it just felt kind of...predictable. This however, is completely different. This is all me. Mommy and Daddy aren't paying for it, and I have a full time job on top of it. I think in the end it might be one of the proudest moments of my life. So please say a prayer, or whatever for me, that I go through with this all the way.

I've decided that my nickname for Gator will officially be Belle. Long story that I'm not going to go into but that's who I'll be talking about when I say Belle.

So...Belle is so freaking talented I almost hate her! She loves to write. And she's a damn good writer at that! She finally let go of her death grip on one of her books and allowed me to read it. And OMFG!!! It's amazing. It's a great love story and I can't wait to see what happens! I seriosuly hope she gets over her phobia of talking about how great she is and submits it for publishing. You watch out world. Before you know it, Belle Robertson will be all over the bookshevles!

Also, she has got to be one of the funniest people I've ever met! Every day there is laughter, and that's what I love most about our friendship!

Bailey-boo turned 5. That was a weird moment. Well, first, I missed her birthday so that was kind of crappy on my part. But then, when I was ever so gently reminded of her birthday, I was very sad. 5 is really old! I remember her 1st birthday!! It's heartbreaking to think that every year passes for her the same as it does for me. Pretty sad.

I guess that's about it. I'm sure I can post more if I think of something that I left off.

Happy Viagra Day! May all your dreams come true!