Much like suffocating...........

So, the blog has been kind of serious lately, and I apologize for that......but sometimes, I need to vent and this is my place for that. And sometimes, I need your advice and this is my place to get that as quickly as possible.

Today, this is going to be more of an explanation and letmeworkthroughthiscrap post, so bare with me on it.

I've written about my depression before, so to say that I'm depressed isn't really a shocker. It's there. I've talked about it before and usually, it's not that big of a deal for me to describe it to someone...how it feels, how it is never ending, how without the aid of medication, I'd be a completely different person.

But I've never talked about how it feels when you hit the low part of depression. When it feels like it takes all of your energy to just remember to breathe. When it's much like suffocating.

Yesterday was a bad day. And the thing about these types of bad days is that no matter how much you try and talk yourself out of it, you can't. You can't say "Tiff, this is stupid, quit being in such a bad mood." or "Tiff, quit crying, you don't even have a reason to be shedding these tears". Instead, you're a victim to the pain and you have to sit through it and pray that it's over soon. It's not like I woke up and said to myself "Today will be shitty. Get ready". Rather, it creeps up in small baby steps until you're completely engulfed by this dark cloud that is clouding your thoughts and fogging your emotions. It's kind of like if you got caught in the rain without your umbrella, only there was no door to run into for cover and you were just stuck standing out in the middle of the road until the rain chose to leave, only it's an all day shower.

Yesterday,  I made the comment on my facebook status that I was going to crawl into my bed and cry for the rest of the day. Friends asked if it had to do with my friend Preston who is battling lymphoma cancer at MD Anderson and keeps getting not so great test results back. While this is definitely something that added to the pain of yesterday, it wasn't the sole reason for the pain and it certainly wasn't the cause. I can't even say that there is a cause....obviously, depression could be the cause, but other than that, it doesn't take a specific event to trigger the day. Sure, there are dates coming up in this month that I'd rather not have to go through and not have to wake up for, but I can pretty much find an excuse any day of the year when this happens. But the truth is, the excuse is not the reason for the bad day. Depression is.

Over the past few months, it's been better. I've had less bad days and more good and I was feeling pretty good about myself, my depression, and life. Yesterday really set me back. I hadn't felt that way in a long time and it was hard to handle. When you're used to bad days, you kind of make a routine. Okay, I'm going to lie here and take deep breaths until you feel less anxious, more calm. I'm going to think of sunshine and daisies and all the wonderful things in the world. But, when it creeps up on you, none of that works. It's easier to simply succumb to the  pain and lie in your bed crying. See, the thing is, every day is a battle between good and evil. Everyday I have bad thoughts, good thoughts, crazy thoughts and my mind is fighting to preserve itself.

Depression isn't easy. And sometimes, it's hard to talk about. So, if you know someone suffering from depression understand that your understanding of the situation is the best thing for them, and that sometimes, it feels like being held under water without the chance to catch your breath. Sure, it's in our nature to help our friends when they're hurting, but sometimes, they have to go through. They have to experience the pain to get back on the other side of things. Just be there. That's all any of us can do.