Today is a hard day. Today I made the decision that it was time to delete Preston's contact information out of my phone. Time for me to acknowledge that he is truly gone and to celebrate his life instead of dwelling on the time that I've lost with him. It may seem like a small thing to hold onto someone's contact information, but every time I saw his name, I wanted to call him and talk to him. Only, I couldn't. So instead of feeling a warm touch in my heart because I was thinking of him fondly, I was feeling anger and hurt because he wasn't there for me to talk to.
Luckily, I had a small distraction and was able to delete his contact information while talking to a friend. I think it made it easier. When I drove in to work this morning, tears filled my eyes as I listened to one of my favorite songs, Just Breathe by Pearl Jam. It's a sad song anyway, but for some reason it made me think of P. From the very beginning, it seems to explain my feelings about death and losing my friend....
"yes I understand that every life must end...."
and continues...
"everything you gave and nothing you would take...."
I know that it was Preston's time to go and no matter what I did during those last few months of his life, ultimately, his life would end and he would be gone. I know that I'm lucky to have had him in my life for the time that I did. I know the last words he heard from me were "I love you." But until today, it didn't feel like I was ready to let go of the anger and the hurt. I wasn't ready to delete his contact information because it meant accepting that my friend is gone.
But whether I accept it or not, the truth is, he is gone. He's been gone for almost 6 months. My life is forever changed by my friend Preston and there are things I'll do differently in my life going forward because of him. It'll never be okay that he's gone, but I can start focusing on celebrating the life that he lived instead of being angry about the life that he lost. I'll continue to miss him every day of forever but letting this small piece of him go feels like letting the love back in and turning off the hate. It may seem insignificant, but for me, today was a big day. Today was the day I was able to start celebrating my friendship instead of mourning it's loss.
"love you till I die........meet you on the other side."
1 comment:
I love you.
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