In life we traditionally follow a certain path....we are born, we live, and we die. Many variations of this path can exist and we've all seen how different someone else's path can be from our own. However, in the end, we all die. We all come to the end of our journey and must say goodbye.
Sometimes, people pass and we never get a chance to tell them that last "I love you" or let them know how we feel about them. And sometimes, the gods of life smile upon us and let us have those final moments with the ones we love. This weekend was one such moment for me. My grandfather has decided to stop going to dialysis. As most of you probably already know, quitting dialysis is essentially signing your own death certificate as death is imminent and your life basically becomes a waiting game. My grandfather's last dialysis treatment was last Monday, August 3. That means that he has now gone 7 days without a treatment. According to various websites, dialysis patients who quit treatment can survive anywhere from 3 days to several weeks. However, the process isn't fun and is often very painful. Your kidneys function so that they can remove toxins from your body, and more specifically nitrogen. When you are no longer removing these fluids from your body, nitrogen builds up and causes a great deal of pain in your muscles. Additionally, the body becomes very bloated because you begin to retain fluids.
Yesterday, I went to see my grandfather for the last time. All of the above mentioned things were happening to him. His face was swollen, as was his abdomen, and it was very apparent that he was in pain. As I sat by his bedside, I found myself wondering if I had made the right choice coming to see him one last time. It was hard to see him in so much pain and harder still to try and figure out what I could say to him that would matter in my final moments with him. On the advice of friends, I kept the conversation light and mostly just sat by his side, holding his hand occasionally, and smiling big when he would look in my direction.
My grandfather also suffers from Alzheimer's. On any given visit, it's hard to know if he truly remembers you or is just being cordial. In my final moments with my grandfather, something different happened. As I leaned in to look at my grandfather's beautiful eyes for the last time, he reached up and cupped my cheek. He said "Hi darling" and smiled the biggest smile I've seen in years. (darling is a word he's often called me through out my childhood, especially when I haven't seen him in a while). I told him that I didn't think I'd get a chance to see him again, and he replied "That's okay". I leaned in, gave him a big kiss and told him I loved him all while trying to hold back the enormous amount of tears I could feel flooding my eyes. He simply replied "I love you too, baby" and kissed my cheek.
To say that yesterday was the hardest day of my life would be a gross understatement. While I do not regret being there because I can forever hold onto his final "I love you too, baby", my heart is absolutely broken.
UPDATE: Apparently I made it just in time yesterday. Today at about 2:00PM we lost my grandfather. While I'm deeply saddened by his loss, I'm also at peace. I know he was in a lot of pain yesterday and I didn't want him to suffer any longer than he already had. If it were possible for to my heart to break anymore, it has.
"Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death."
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