Forgiveness

I just really love trees so I added this pic for flair!

Holy busy-ness Batman! My life is a freaking roller coaster ride that is spiraling down the track at about 120 MPH. I feel like I need to vomit! That being said, I'm alive. Work has been particuarly insane these past few months. My sis in law asked me the other day if I abandonned my blog. Heck no! I've just had trouble finding time to breathe let alone think about a blog post! Anyway, there is one thing that has been weighing heavy on my heart and mind lately.....FORGIVENESS.

It's such a simple word. Forgive. To forgive. To be forgiven. Here's the dictionary.com version of that word for ya:

for·give

   fərˈgɪv/ Show S

1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.

2. to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).

3. to grant pardon to (a person).

4. to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.

5. to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.

 

Small word, big meaning. Often times in our lives, things come up. People do things that we don't like. That we don't appreciate. But it's the bigger person who can look within themselves and say "hey, this person is my friend. Maybe they need my forgiveness now more than ever?"

And don't even get me started on forgiveness in marriage! I once heard that forgiveness is the greatst gift that you can give to your marriage. Why? Becuase there are going to be times when he just doesn't get it girls. He doesn't understand that your emotions are literally at their highest level of crazy and that telling you he doesn't like the salad dressing you bought this month is the one thing that is going to set you off. God forbid he even mention the way you look today. (unless it's of course a comparison to a Greek Goddess...In that case, I'm always willing to listen!).

 

My point with all this rambling is that I think learning to forgive and to ask for forgiveness when you've done a wrong is one of the big parts about becoming an adult and really growing into yourself. Sure we say "I'm sorry" when we're younger and our parents make us apologize to a sibling for ripping the heads of their Barbie, but I don't think we really understand what we're saying. Or maybe it's that in the big scheme of things, tifts like that are so small that we don't grasp the relevance of the situation.

 

I know that these past few months I've been holding a grudge or two against people who probably just need me to let it go and forgive them. Some of them don't even know that I've been quietly judging them and creating a tally in my head for the wrongs they've committed. It's my choice to become a better person. To no longer sit back and judge when I'm not sure how I would react in the same situation. It's also my choice to forgive them for not behaving in a manner that I expected they should. Forgiveness is key. Forgiveness is the greatest gift we can give to a relationship.

 

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” 

― Mahatma Gandhi, All Men are Brothers: Autobiographical Reflections

Hardships of growing up

I know, my blog has been rather down in the dumps, but I think this one might end on a better note.

Tomorrow marks the 1 year anniversary of Jim's passing. One year. One whole year. It's absolutely unbelievable.

I've never been as heart broken as I was the day that my sister lost my nephew.  But, this past year has come very close to inflicting the same amount of pain.

There have been days where I thought my heart literally was going to break. That it couldn't possibly handle any more bad news, or loss. That there had to be a point in life where the hurt just ceased. Unfortuately, the pain didn't stop just because I wanted it to. Fortunately, I made it through. There were days of endless tears. Moments where I literally couldn't control my emotions. And then there were days where the memories brought tears of joy and happiness. Days when I felt like Jim's life meant something, not just to me, but to dozens of other people.

I still can't believe that there will be moments in my life that I won't be able to share with him. Namely, when the husband and I finally become parents. Jim was an amazing man and one of his many gifts was teaching children. I know that he changed my life by being a teacher in mine. And I've watched him change the lives of others. Knowing that my niece, my children, won't have the sme guidance and nurturing as I did from a man I adored, is hard. It makes me sad. I can only pray that there is someone else down the road who is just as talented as he was and can provide the same type of guidance. That's the miracle of life, right? There is usually more than one person who is gifted at a certain skill.

My heart hurts over the many, many things that Jim won't be here for. Milestones with his granddaughter, with his children, a million things that we often take for granted without even thinking twice. My heart hurts that every month I feel like my memories are fading a little bit more. It's as if they're still there, but not as crisp as they were a year ago. I can't hear his voice anymore, but I can still feel his love.

But, this year has taught me so many things that it's hard to chop it up as a total waste. I've learned the utter importance of your chosen family. My blood family is amazing and I lean on them for support constantly. They have seen me through a number of obstacles in my life. But, my chosen family, the family that I've built for myself, has seen me through the worst of this year. And I know that part of it is because we've gone through it together. We've felt the pain together, shared his memory together, loved together. And honestly, I can say that I'm closer to them now than I have been in my entire life. Even though they've been in my life for 20+ years and I grew up with their guidance.

While I continue to miss Jim every single day, I'm grateful that my chosen family has become closer. It sucks that often times it takes a death to help you realize how important they are to you, but sometimes life's lessons come with a hefty price. And thankfully, I believe that Jim is watching over me still even though I can't go in for one of his hugs, or hear him tell me he loves me.  That's the beauty of faith, I suppose. Having the hope that somewhere out there, the ones we love are still close by.

This year was hard. I've felt more heartbroken than most years, but I've also felt more loved than any other year in my life. Life is so incredibly precious. Please, don't take it for granted. Love the ones you love. Love them big!

"The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost."
- G. K. Chesterton

Life isn't always sunshine and daisies..

I like to think that the majority of the time, I'm pretty positive and upbeat. But, my life isn't always sunshine and daisies. There are hardships that I simply don't know how to deal with. Sure, I deal with them the best I can, I reach out to my friends, my family and hope that someone has the right encouraging words to keep me going for another day, hour, minute. But sometimes, things feel heavy. Like the weight of the world is bearing down on my shoulders.

These past few weeks have been like that. On the upside, I switched positions at work, in the same department (woo!) and it's been really fun to learn something new. Thankfully, my boss is super cool and is patient with me as I figure out things. Unfortunately, this time of year is hard for me. My grandfather died in August. Preston died in August. Jim died in September. It hasn't yet been a year since Jim passed, but it's been a year since we put him in the hospital. Since we intubated him. Since we celebrated his 44 year wedding anniversary in the hospital. August/September are hard for me. Will they always be? I don't know. Are they this year?  You bet.

Adding to the mix is the realization that one of my favorite co-workers is dealing with a brain tumor that is more than likely being cause by a viscious form of cancer. I've visited a few times to try and cheer him up, but his spirits are deflated. As anyone's would be while spending all of your time in a hospital room/rehab center room. I'm worried about him. I'm worried about his family. I'm worried that they too will know the pain that losing a loved one can bring.

I'm worried. I'm worried about work. I'm worried about Jim's family. I'm worried about my friend's family. I'm just worried. I've been trying really hard to pinpoint my feelings and work with them, but it seems to boil down to worry. I'm worried.

My dear friends lost their Oma a few months back. This past weekend, they had the memorial service for her. I depserately wanted to be there but simply didn't have the time. One of my friends made a very touching video for her. And featured the song below. I'd heard the song before, but I'd never heard it sung by a female. I've been listening to it on repeat. Thinking about the ones I've lost. Treasuring the memories that flash through my memory from time to time and praying that my other friend doesn't get added to this loop of ones I've lost.

Maybe you're dealing with something too. Maybe this song will touch your heart too. To my friend, all I can say, is thank you. Thank you for re-introducing me to a wonderful song.

Couldn't get the embedding to work, so do me a favor and click the link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rweQlz1TQYg

"If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less..keep me in your heart for a while"
- Warren Zevon

Spontaneous, much?

Sorry I've been MIA. I really don't have anything interesting to share with the world these days. My life has become very, very mundane. And completely bogged down with every day stuff that isn't very exciting. Some day my life will change and I'll cute little baby pics to share with everyone (unless I adopt a toddler from Africa) but that day hasn't come yet, so I continue to be boring and have nothing noteworthy to share.

But here is what 's going on in my life. Hubs was out of town for two weeks. First week I got really bored, but I decided to sit on the couch instead of doing anything of interest. Second week., he was actually gone for the entire week so I got a wild hair that I should paint the trim in my guest bathroom. No biggie right? Wrong. While the trim wasn't hard work, it also meant that I couldn't just leave the wallpaper in there. I mean, it's from the 70s for pete's sake. That cannot stand! So, I ended up priming over the wallpaper. Now, there are several schools of thought on whether to paint over wallpaper or take it down. After a horrible take down process in my master bath (and walls that I'm not happy with), I decided to paint over it. I wish I had thought about writing this blog post before because I totally would have taken more pictures. You'll just have to visualize in your brains. Be creative! You can do it!

So, it took three coats of Kilz to cover up the wallpaper. And what does it look like now? White walls with painters tape blocking off the trim and other important parts of the wall/fixtures. Why? Because the hubs and I haven't found time to get to the store to pick out a color that we both like. Yeah, I know. Next time I feel like being spontaneous, I should probably schedule some time with my husband to evaluate the reasonableness of my idea and to figure out what freaking color we're going to paint the bathroom. He wants something modern, I want a light green. Seems modern to me?

So, the next few days I plan to go through several House Beautiful magazines that I have and hopefully coming to a consensus on what is both modern and green. :)

Happy house owning you guys. Maybe be less spontaneous than me and plan it out just a little bit.

OH! And I have until August 18 to get my house cleaned, finish this bathroom, and hopefully fix the master bathroom. Plenty of time, right?

Only in spontaneity can we be who we truly are. John McLaughlin

4th of July Memories

This fourth of July is going to be tough. Part of the reason why it's going to be tough is becasue last 4th of July was the last time my whole "family" was together. Jim was still with us, and so was Frank. It was happy and fun and we had a great time together. None of us knew that in 2 short months we'd be without Jim and in 9 months we'd be without Frank. That's the thing about the future, it doesn't ever reveal it's plans to you. Instead, things just happen.

We all got together on Memorial Day, but it was a little bit easier. Memorial Day wasn't the last time we were all together. The fourth of July was. I'm both looking forward to Wednesday and dreading it. I can't wait to spend time with my family and I know that despite the pain we'll inevitably be feeling, we'll be happy because we're together.

My friend lost her grandmother this weekend. And when I texted her my condolensces, she said "I have so many memories from her and Opa." And this struck me because at a time when when she could have said something, anything different, she managed to highlight the part that makes grief a little bit easier. The fact that we were lucky enough to make memories and to cherish those memories when our loved ones are gone.

So, yes, this holiday will be hard. And Labor Day will be even harder. But, instead of being sad that my family is no longer with me, I'm going to think about all the great memories we had together and all the 4th of Julys we spent together making those memories.

Happy 4th. And as always, remember that our freedom isn't free and there are men and women sacrificing their lives so we can sit back and bbq.

July 4, 2011.