Anger err.....Management....

"don't sweat the small stuff.....in the end, it's still small stuff"
"he who angers you controls you"
"anger dwells only in the bosom of fools"

....riiiiight. so Those are quotes are in or around my cube because I tend to have a little bit of an anger management issue. As in, I don't manage my anger. I'm getting a lot better about blowing up and "flying off the handle" and I tend to need a 5 second break to remind myself that the cupcake place being out of my favorite cupcake isn't the end of the world (hey, it's a big deal!) But sometimes, no matter how much I remind myself that the world is not going to end because some jackass in a Mercedes decided to cut me off, I'm still pissed. PISSED.

One person has caused this to happen two times to me since Friday. I can't really go into a lot of detail on the situation, but I'm finding it hard to "take a deep breath and let it go". Here's hoping I find some wisdowm in the quotes above and can find a way to let it go....If not, it's going to be a LONG week!

"try as much as possible to be wholly alive, with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell and when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough"
- William Saroyan

Friday Randomness

So, my mom's surprise birthday weekend getaway starts today. It's a surprise in that we didn't tell her until Wednesday night that we had planned this weekend extravaganza for her. I think she's pretty excited. She took off the entire day so that she could nap and stay up late for all the drinking her friends have planned for her. :) I wish I were going just because I think it'd be so much fun to just sit back and watch all of her friends get sloshed!!! :) But, I'm glad she's going.

On a side note, this sweet baby boy is having surgery this morning and needs all the positive thoughts and prayers you guys can send his way.

he's already had a pretty tough fight and he's not even a year old. Just send him some good karma.....it'll only take a second!

happy trails, my friends! happy trails!

life is short but sweet for certain....

Side note: I've gone public again because I don't care who reads my blog. I wrote it to help me vent and deal with things in my life. If some random person on google finds that helpful, then good. If someone I don't want to read my blog chooses to snoop and still read it, then that's their thing, not mine. 

Moving on....my friend Preston has been gone for a week and two days now. I'm still pretty numb about the whole thing. I was pretty sick last week, and during that time, I kind of forgot that he was gone. I was going to text him about some of the crazy dreams I've been having on my meds, but I went to to send it and remembered that he was gone. It's too bad you can't send texts to the afterlife. I'm sure he'd have a lot to tell me. I miss him. But when I start really getting down about him being gone, little things pop in front of me and remind of him and make it a little less painful. Example: yesterday, as a storm was rolling in, I wanted to text him for the radar picture so that I could get the truth on the situation, and remembered that I couldn't. At that instant, a truck with Alaska plates came barreling off the highway and cut me off.....I had to giggle. Totally a Preston move. Then, as I'm getting close to home, it starts pouring on me when the sun is out and everything is perfectly nice and sunny.....another Preston move...just to giggle he'd make it rain in the middle of an otherwise nice, sunny day. The pain of knowing that he's gone is hurting a little bit less, although I still want to reach out and get a big bear hug. And I know that when we do the Big D Climb this year, my heart is going to break all over again.....into a million tiny pieces.

But I'm also learning that our time here on this earth is far too short. We never know what adversity is going to face us tomorrow, so we have to make the most out of today. We have to tell people we love them and we have to be friends to our friends. There's no room for regrets. And that's something Preston believed too. Life is too short to spend your time wishing you wouold've done something and instead you should cherish the life you have and do the things you want to do. I can't remember the quote that Preston loved to remind me of off the top of my head but it was something like....life is meant to be lived barely sliding into your ending. Meaning you shouldn't live your life slowly and without adventure but instead burn the candle at both ends and go crazy!

I intend to take his advice more in my life now. Help myself and others see the small things in life. The beauty in approaching thunderheads or a tornado. The beauty in friendship even if you spend your time miles apart. And the beauty in a life lived to it's fullest even if it's extremely short. It's what P would want.

Right, so that was quick...

After some fabulous incidents yesterday, I decided that I don't want a lot of people in my life anymore and decided to lock down the good ol blog. I probably should have warned everyone first, but it just had to happen.

So.............welcome to the love friends! Now I feel more comfortable using real names of people and being honest, because hey, that's what it's all about. And my blog was never supposed to be for random people anyway, it's my spot for venting and keeping you guys up-to-date. So it works.

Whew!

hello darkness my old friend.....I've come to talk with you again...

Yesterday, my sweet friend Preston passed away. To say that I'm heartbroken is an understatement. To say that I'm hurting in ways I didn't know I could is also an understatment. I can't describe the pain I feel or the void that I feel because of his passing. I'm so incredibly thankful that his fight is over and he is now riding (probably) in peace somewhere on a distant highway. I know I will see him again, so I find comfort in that, but that is probably a long time from now for me and it doesn't make the pain any less. It doesn't make me hurt less that he is now at peace. It doesn't comfort me to know that I will never hear my friend's voice or get an email from him telling me about so hot girl he met. It doesn't make me feel good to know that my crazy early morning drunk texts are over and that my friend Preston is gone from this earth. I'm hurting. I know in time the hurt will be less and I'll cherish his memory, but today, I'm hurting. I just don't think that anyone should ever have to go through this kind of pain. And for m,e I know it's probably just the beginning of the start of a lot of incidents like this...I am getting older.

I leave you with words from Stevie Nicks....

"can I handle the changing seasons of my life.....Oh, I don't know"

...

more than I could ever hope for....

As you know, my friend Preston is in the final stages of his life here with us. He's decided to quit treatment for lymphoma and now the doctors are just doing everything they can to make him comfortable.

I was thinking back this morning on all the things that he has taught me and decided to share.

• he taught me that life is not to be lived carefully and slowly but rather as an adventure to the end
• he taught me that dickhead guys aren't worth your time 
• he taught me that friendship doesn't have to be about hanging out every weekend; sometimes it's about having an email group that talks every day about the stupidest of things
• he taught me that there is humor in everything; even in death
• he taught me to be optimistic about the future and not dwell on the negative
• he taught me to love all kinds of different people and that you can't judge a person by their dorky hobbies! 
• he taught to appreciate a really great thunderstorm
• he taught me some safety tips I probably need to learn
• he taught me how to be a better friend and for that I'm eternally grateful. 

Preston has taught me so much in the short span of our friendship....6 years...that it saddens me that I'll never be able to repay him for his life lessons.  I hope that I can grow to be more like him and learn to love the life they way he did and appreciate the small things. I'm still completely devastated, but I'm trying to focus more on our shared laughter than our shared sorrow. I know I'll see him again and lucky for him, it'll seem like the blink of an eye. It hurts tremendously to know that in a short time, I'll lose my friend but I just keep reminding myself that it hurts so bad because I love him so much. I hope he finds the peace he's searching for and that our time apart doesn't feel like an eternity.

Sometimes, all we can do is let go....

My friend Preston has decided to end his battle with lymphoma today. This means, the doctors will do everything they can to keep him comfortable until he passes.

I'm devastated. I'm heartbroken. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm confused. I'm at peace.

I know this is the past thing for him, but I'm not ready to let him go. His life has been too short.

I love you PH. You've been the best friend anyone could ask for and my life is forever changed because of you. Go peacefully into the night knowing that you are surrounded by the love of your family and friends.

Hmm public vs private

I'm thinking of going private on the good old blog....my intention was never to get a bajillion readers, and really, I only write it to get your advice...

thoughts?

Proper Poo Etiquette

Yeah, so if you're  a guy, you should avert your eyes and pretend like you never stumbled upon this little blogging gem. Trust  me, it's in  your best interest.

For everyone else.....this is going to be a poo rant!

I work in a nice corporate building in west Plano. We have nice things, not to mention nice restrooms. Especially considering what we could have.....I am so tired of walking into a restroom that only GROWN women use and finding remnants of the person in front of me in the toilet!!!

These come in the form of 3 things (at least most commonly)

1. poo streaks still in the toilet 
2. the toilet protector sheet still in the toilet
3. toilet paper still in the toilet

We have automatic toilets, so I can understand that you might get a little lazy and not realize that you're leaving something behind, but have a little decency and check to make sure EVERYTHING you PUT into the toilet is flushed DOWN the toilet! it's really not that difficult. You take an extra 2 seconds to turn around before you walk out of the stall and look....if something is there that maybe should've gotten flushed down, FLUSH IT DOWN! There's a button on automatic toilets for this very reason! They want you to be able to leave the bathroom in a nice, clean state!

I just dont get it. We're ADULTS. Not 4 year olds. And I know that 4 year olds do better than some of these women because I watch them once a month at church and we take a LOT of bathroom trips together....still, they manage to flush down what they put in the toilet. It's an amazing concept, I know...but for the love of JEBUS learn to flush your leftovers!!!!

"Psychiatry's chief contribution to philosophy is the discovery that the toilet is the seat of the soul.”
-Alexander Chase

A little lighter....

Since the blog has been all serious and no fun, here are some jokes to brighten your day!

From Michelle, age 9, Cheshire,CT

What did the teddybear say after his dinner ?

I'm stuffed!

From Jonathan, age 10, UAE Dubai

What did baby corn say to Mama corn?

Hey, where's pop corn?

And finally, my mom's favorite joke....

So two carrots are walking down the road....One carrot gets hit by a car. The ambulance comes and takes the carrot to the hospital. The second carrot drives to the hospital and waits for news of his friend. The doctor finally comes out and tells the second carrot "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, you're friend is going to live. The bad news is, he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

tee hee hee. knee slapping funny right there.  

Much like suffocating...........

So, the blog has been kind of serious lately, and I apologize for that......but sometimes, I need to vent and this is my place for that. And sometimes, I need your advice and this is my place to get that as quickly as possible.

Today, this is going to be more of an explanation and letmeworkthroughthiscrap post, so bare with me on it.

I've written about my depression before, so to say that I'm depressed isn't really a shocker. It's there. I've talked about it before and usually, it's not that big of a deal for me to describe it to someone...how it feels, how it is never ending, how without the aid of medication, I'd be a completely different person.

But I've never talked about how it feels when you hit the low part of depression. When it feels like it takes all of your energy to just remember to breathe. When it's much like suffocating.

Yesterday was a bad day. And the thing about these types of bad days is that no matter how much you try and talk yourself out of it, you can't. You can't say "Tiff, this is stupid, quit being in such a bad mood." or "Tiff, quit crying, you don't even have a reason to be shedding these tears". Instead, you're a victim to the pain and you have to sit through it and pray that it's over soon. It's not like I woke up and said to myself "Today will be shitty. Get ready". Rather, it creeps up in small baby steps until you're completely engulfed by this dark cloud that is clouding your thoughts and fogging your emotions. It's kind of like if you got caught in the rain without your umbrella, only there was no door to run into for cover and you were just stuck standing out in the middle of the road until the rain chose to leave, only it's an all day shower.

Yesterday,  I made the comment on my facebook status that I was going to crawl into my bed and cry for the rest of the day. Friends asked if it had to do with my friend Preston who is battling lymphoma cancer at MD Anderson and keeps getting not so great test results back. While this is definitely something that added to the pain of yesterday, it wasn't the sole reason for the pain and it certainly wasn't the cause. I can't even say that there is a cause....obviously, depression could be the cause, but other than that, it doesn't take a specific event to trigger the day. Sure, there are dates coming up in this month that I'd rather not have to go through and not have to wake up for, but I can pretty much find an excuse any day of the year when this happens. But the truth is, the excuse is not the reason for the bad day. Depression is.

Over the past few months, it's been better. I've had less bad days and more good and I was feeling pretty good about myself, my depression, and life. Yesterday really set me back. I hadn't felt that way in a long time and it was hard to handle. When you're used to bad days, you kind of make a routine. Okay, I'm going to lie here and take deep breaths until you feel less anxious, more calm. I'm going to think of sunshine and daisies and all the wonderful things in the world. But, when it creeps up on you, none of that works. It's easier to simply succumb to the  pain and lie in your bed crying. See, the thing is, every day is a battle between good and evil. Everyday I have bad thoughts, good thoughts, crazy thoughts and my mind is fighting to preserve itself.

Depression isn't easy. And sometimes, it's hard to talk about. So, if you know someone suffering from depression understand that your understanding of the situation is the best thing for them, and that sometimes, it feels like being held under water without the chance to catch your breath. Sure, it's in our nature to help our friends when they're hurting, but sometimes, they have to go through. They have to experience the pain to get back on the other side of things. Just be there. That's all any of us can do.

the fragility of life.....

did I say that I need you
did I say that I want you
oh if i didn't I'm a fool you see
no one knows this more than me......

heavy title, I know. 

There are dates in time that sometimes we wish would never recur. There are moments we wish we would never have to remember and there are things we pray we can forget. but the dates keep coming, the moments are there and the things we want to forget linger.

2009 was a year that I desperately wanted to end and wanted to forget. However, in the months since 2009 has passed, things haven't been forgotten, and dates keep coming......

The year started normal enough, although I was stricken with just about every kind of random illness one person can possibly have. It was rough, but I managed to get through most of it. And then, the bottom fell out. 

Starting in June, 2009 was a whirlwind of emotions and heartahe. First, we lost our beloved dog Abby. She had been around since I was in 5th grade and she was an amazing friend. I still miss her dearly. 

August has been a hard month for a few years now, since the passing of my great Aunt Chia. (I know, weird name, but my mom couldn't say her name when she was little, so Chia came out!) To say that I miss her is a gross understatement, because there are some people who leave a hole in your heart when they pass. This August marks the 5 year anniversary of her passing and it's going to be just as hard as the past 4 years, I am sure. In August 2009, my grandfather passed away. August 10 to be exact. Some of you may remember because I wrote about my last few minutes with him and the clarity that he seemed to find as I was saying my final goodbyes. I can not believe it's almost been a year since that tearful goodbye between us. My heart still aches when I'm in San Antonio, at his house, or when my mind finds his face, but it gets a little bit easier every day. 

In September, my world was changed forever. My sister was 6 months pregnant and in what felt like a heartbeat, she lost my sweet baby nephew. Wow. it's hard to say almost a year later. I will never forget the heartwrenching drive to the hospital, or the look on her face when I got there. And I most certainly will never forget the scream of terror that left her mouth when the doctor confirmed the worst. I do not want to believe that it's almost been a year because it feels like it was yesterday. I know that my sister's life was saved that day, and that's what helps me get through the tough days, but I can't help but be angry that he's not here. It just doesn't seem fair in the big scheme of things. 

After September, 2009 is pretty much a blur. I can't remember much of what happened and I think part of my memories are blocked. I remember starting 2010 thinking that I was going to pull the ones I loved closer to me. I don't think I've done a very good job of that as of late, though. In my life, I've had the tremendous joy of having several friends who I consider family and who I lean on in time of distress. However, some of them I don't see very often, nor do I talk to that often. And it makes me sad and mad at the same time. Sad because I love them, and I miss them. And mad because I should be doing a better job of holding them close to me. 

So, although some tough times are ahead for myself and especially my family, I'm going to work on pulling those I love closer to me. Letting them know that they're important to me and that I love them more than life. Because in the end, it's the family you have and the family you make for yourself that is going to pull you through tough memories, tough moments in life and years you wish you could forget. 

There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all. 
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