Love continued.....young love....

The more you love, the more you lose a part of you.
Yet you don't become less of who you are,
instead you end up being complete...

So I briefly commented on being in love when I was 15. I know that not everyone has been in love that young and that in fact, it was quite rare for me to find someone that I could give my whole heart to at a young age. But it happened. And I'm fully aware that most guys do not experience the same thing.

I think that guys walk through life never really knowing what love is until they're old enough to handle it and can process the feelings they are experiencing. I think for them it's more of a saying I love you rather than actually feeling the love and meaning it.

I'd like to think that my boyfriend at 15 meant that he loved me when he said it, and certainly the way that he treated me backed it up. But, there are somethings you're not meant to know in life and maybe that is one of them.

When things ended, I had met my hubs. And it was kind of a bad break-up. I was the bad person in the equation and I really felt like it for a long time. The hubs and I broke up for a while and I got to see my ex and the feelings that had always been there were there yet again. But so were the feelings of my newly ended relationship with my future hubs. It was very confusing and heartbreaking. Being 18 is a hard enough time in life, throwing in feelings of love for more than one person makes things that much harder.

So instead of dealing with all that, I pushed away from both of them. And stumbled through my young adulthood with a string of bad relationships. The difference being that my hubs was stubborn enough to wait around for me to figure it all out and my ex was not.

Now here's where the love part comes in. I think that part of my heart will always be tied to him (the ex). We remained friends for a while and though I was usually dating some random guy, I would find myself jealous of the women he was dating. Or wishing that I was dating him instead. But it never came to fruition. Then, when the hubs and I finally got back together (and knew it was meant to be), I didn't so much wish that we were together as just absolutely criticize the crap out everyone he was dating. Which, is probably why we're not friends now-- who wants a negative nancy ex-girlfriend for a friend? Not fun.

Now that I've been married for 3 years and have been back with my hubs for over 5, I know that I'm where I'm supposed to be. My love for him is absolute and I get excited about our life on a daily basis. But the part of my heart that belonged to my ex still wants to know that he's okay. It's not like a creepy stalker type thing overly obsessed thing. But I do find myself reading his blog to see that he's still alive and at least on the outside, seems to be doing well. I'm pretty sure that the hubs knows. If he doesn't, I'm not embarrassed by the fact that I check my ex's blog sometimes. We used to argue over me having a relationship with my ex, but I think my hubs realized that we were in fact in love and that a part of me would always care for him.

It was hard for the hubs though because he never felt the same way someone else as he did about me. So the worry and concern that he carried for me all those months and years that we were apart have never been recreated since we've been back together.

I'm not in any way saying that I don't love my husband or that I think I'm in the wrong relationship. I don't. I'm simply saying that the heart is a mysterious organ and the emotions that the heart feels (even at the ripe old age of 15) are astounding.

I'm not sure if my ex and I will ever have a friendship again. I'm not sure what that would be like. I used to hold some resentment in my heart for him for stupid things that happened between us. But I think I finally let that go. :) I will always care for him and I will continue to hope and pray for his safety and happiness.

So...part two question: do any of you have a relationship like that? Young love that didn't last but still holds a unique place in your heart?

It's funny the things that trigger a memory....

Sometimes it's the day of the year...like my friend, who blogged about his deceased father in law
Sometimes, it's a song that triggers a memory...like my friend Janet, who blogged about a song that often times reminds me of her wedding.
Sometimes, it's a smell, or a car driving by, or even just a chain of events that happen in a particular order more than once that triggers your memory of a moment already passed.
Each time it happens, no matter what triggers the memory for me, I find myself lost in the moment. Lost in thought about things that have happened before. both good and bad.

Today, my husband sent me beautiful flowers for our anniversary. He carefully selected an arrangement that included my favorite flower, the stargazer lily. If you've ever been around stargazers, then you know that the fragrance is strong and they have a very distinct smell. Today, the fragrance is triggering memories of our wedding; where stargazers were also present and very fragrant. Today, the memories triggered are happy ones. Ones of love and joy and a fun party!


But it's not every day that a memory lost triggers happy thoughts. Sometimes, it brings up the memory of a lost friend or loved one. Sometimes, it's a moment in time that you'll never get back that you might regret.

Which makes cherishing the memory triggers like today's even more important.

There are some joys that will last us a lifetime. Marrying my best friend, has been one of those joys.