NEW NIECELETTE! NEW NIECELETTE!!!

mmmkay, so my sis is having a baby girl in January and I'm so super excited! I love babies, but I really love baby girls!!!

I just bought her these shoes, and I thought my blog could use a little perking up, so I'm sharing them with you.

So hurry up niecelette! I want you to wear these already!!!

Final Goodbyes

my "dad" playing washers 7/4/11

Friday afternoon, we held a service for my friend Jim. Never in my wildest dreams would I think that at this point in my life, I would be standing up in front of hundreds of people, saying goodbye to one of my most treasured friends. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Part of the difficulty was coming up with the right things to say about my friend. I didn't want to short change him, and I didn't want to be too long winded. I wanted it to be the perfect length and the perfect message. I wrote about 12 different versions and opted for a shorter one because I knew that I was barely going to make it through. The first speaker did an amazing job. She talked about her time with Jim and the young children of the church. She talked about how Jim would care for the children of his Sunday School class from the time they were 4 and on. And how he treasured them the rest of their lives.

I was second but I'll skip my speech to tell you about the other 3. Jim's friend Frank got up and did an amazing job sending off his best friend. He talked about the talent show act they had done for so many years. And he talked about the fun stuff, the trips to the river, the washer tournaments, and how Jim was truly a brother to him. He was followed by Jim's son Chris who did such an awesome job, I was in awe. He eloquently described his dad to a "t" and gave such a heart felt speech it was hard not to bawl. Chris was followed by another long time friend, Rick. Rick and Jim were long time friends and skiers and they often skied just the two of them (while their wives stayed in and slept or shopped :) ) They would have long conversations about life and everything in between on the mountaintops in Lake Tahoe. He spoke of what Jim would want us to remember even though we're all going to miss him so very much. He started with a poem that resonated with me because it's so very true. (I'm not too happy with her website, but you can find it here.) It essentially talks about living the "dash" between your birth date and your date of death on your tombstone. It's a wonderful poem.

My speech was second, as I said. I had practiced it a million times and knew the words forwards and backwards. I thought for sure I would be able to get up in the pulpit, and say it without sobbing and without falling apart. I have never been more wrong in my life. I cried the entire time. I would try to stop and then would get to another part of the speech and cry some more. I felt terrible because it was not the tribute I wanted to give, but I simply could not stand reading the final words of my great friend. I was heartbroken. Luckily, everyone seemed to have received it well and complimented me on my speech, but I wish I could have cried a little less and smiled a little bit more.

I am honored and thankful that I was asked to speak at his service. And I'm proud of myself for doing it. I am terribly saddened by the fact that I said my final words of goodbye to my "adopted dad" on Friday, but I know I'll still speak to him and feel his presence throughout my life. I'll miss him terribly, but he'll always be with me because I was lucky enough to make a lifetime of memories with him.

I used this quote when Preston passed away and it's still true today. I read it often and remember the goo instead of the bad.

"...when you are sorrowful look again to your heart, and you shall see that in truth, you are weeping for that which has been your delight."
-Kahlil Gibran

Rest in peace my love. I'll be seeing you.

How do you sum up an amazing man?

My friend Jim passed away on Sunday at about 12:20AM. I'm heartbroken, but at peace because I know that he would never have been the same had he ever gotten out of the hospital and I know that he hated every minute of being intubated and sedated, lying in a hospital bed.

His wife has asked me to speak at his service. Which is an amazing honor and one I will not take lightly, but I'm having a really hard time summing up what he meant to me. He was my mentor. My "adopted dad". And my friend. And for 23 years of my life he played such a big role that trimming it down to just 5 or 10 minutes seems to be an injustice. But, at the same time, I know that he would hate for me to get up there and dote on him for 30 minutes!

It's weird. You know, when people are living, we hardly ever think about what we would say about them if they passed. And then when we're gone, it's like we can't find the right words. Guess that's kind of the bitterness of death. You always feel like you could have enjoyed a moment with them a little bit more, stayed in that moment a little bit longer, or found the words to tell them what they meant to you before they were gone.

Luckily, I know that Jim loved me and he knew how much I loved him. That's something he taught me: ;love is the greatest gift and we should share it with the world. So I'm going to live my life in that way - loving those around me without fail and teaching others how to love. You never know how much time you have on this earth, and living in hate is just far too difficult. But living in love? Ahh, now that's rewarding.

Rest in peace my dear sweet friend. I know I'll see you again when my life here is through. I'll miss you every day of forever.

Life doesn't always lead where you think it might...

I've done a lot of soul searching these past few weeks and I've come to realize one ultimate truth: life doesn't always lead where we think it might or where we think it should.

Let me explain. There are forces at work in my life that are seriously testing me. Testing my strength, my courage, and my faith. Testing my ability to remain positive in the face of negativity. Testing the bonds in my life to both my family, my friends, and my extended church family.

Some of the realizations that I've come to, I think I've danced around before and just haven't fully committed to them. But some of them have been pleasant surprises that have made me realize how incredibly lucky I've been to have some amazing people surrounding me. I've had friends in my life step up in ways I didn't ever think they would. Friends who have simply known it was a bad day and shown up just to give me a hug or called for a lunch date to give me a hug. Friends who warm embraces have saved me on more than one occasion. The bond between us has grown so much stronger and I feel so lucky that I've gotten to know them better, albeit through one of the more difficult times in my life.

My church family has always been amazing. One person told me once that the amazing thing about a community of faith is that someone will pray for you when you no longer have the strength to pray for yourself. And it's true. I know that my church family knows how difficult it has been for me to have Jim in the hospital and going through so many bad days. But in my moments of absolute despair, I've felt something come over me. Something peaceful and calming. And I truly believe that it's their prayers coming through at a time when I need them the most.

I'm not sure what the ultimate plan is for me during this time or for my dear sweet Jim But I think part of the plan has been showing me people who are going to be more permanent fixtures in my life and people who I should be surrounding myself with. People who build my faith and strengthen my beliefs. People who have shown up to hug me when I needed the hug the most. I'm blessed to have such an amazing family and "family". I sometimes forget that because things get hard and I want to focus on those things instead, but I'm going to start making a better effort to focus on the positive things. Like the amazing people in my life who have been there for me these past few weeks.

"Families are the compass that guide us. They are the inspiration to reach great heights, and our comfort when we occasionally falter."
~ Brad Henry ~

Let it be.....

Here is the most information I have on the moment about my friend Jim.

Yesterday, I went to the hospital just to check in and was planning on staying about 20 minutes. When I walked in, his wife was crying and they told me that they were in the process of re-intubating him. Apparently, yesterday had not been a good day. He had done some exercises in the morning, but between about 2:00PM and 4:00PM, he started taking a turn down a dangerous path.

He couldn't breathe and he was very confused. He has been confused for the past few days, since coming off the ventillator on Sunday. We all thought that the medicine was reacting with him and was just taking a time to leave his system and clear his mind. But yesterday, he wasn't any better. He was asking for friends to call 911 and to get him help. The thing is, physically, until yesterday afternoon, he was doing pretty well. The nurses were impressed with his improvements and felt like he was doing remarkably well for someone in his position. Other than being convinced that he wasn't doing well, he was on what seemed to be the right path.

After they intubated him again yesterday afternoon, he wasn't responding the way that they had wanted him to. He was still breathing very heavily and they couldn't get him to rest. Which is part of the reason why they went ahead and re-intubated him, to give his body some rest. So, they were working to chemically calm him down and get his numbers all back on track. He is supposed to have a tracheotomy today to allow for a breathing tube directly in his trach which would lead to less sedation and more flexibility. But, with his numbers being as bad as they were last night, they weren't sure if they were going to go through with it this morning. I'm not sure where we stand with that at this moment.

I believe that the doctors believe that he can and will make it through this rough patch. It's possible that his body just needs more time to recover from the acute onset of the IPF. (idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis). He's fighting and that's good. He hasn't been Jim since he woke up on Sunday. He's been very scared and confused and talking about death. He spoke about it before he was ventilated and that was more him. He was very calm about it and matter of fact. This Jim is almost child like.

I keep reminding myself of the Beatles song 'Let it Be'. I know that there is nothing I can do for him other than pray and support his family through this extremely difficult time. But it is so hard to see him lying there and to hear him begging you not to leave the room because he's scared. It's funny the way the mind can betray us so quickly.

Please pray for or send your positive vibes and good karma to my friend Jim. I'm going to be praying for whatever is best, even though that's not necessarily what I want to pray for. I'd much rather pray that he walks out of the hospital in the next few days and returns to the Jim I know and love so much.

"When I find myself in trouble, Mother Mary comes to me....speaking words of wisdom 'let it be'
'let it be, let it be. there will be an answer let it be'"
- The Beatles