Much like suffocating...........

So, the blog has been kind of serious lately, and I apologize for that......but sometimes, I need to vent and this is my place for that. And sometimes, I need your advice and this is my place to get that as quickly as possible.

Today, this is going to be more of an explanation and letmeworkthroughthiscrap post, so bare with me on it.

I've written about my depression before, so to say that I'm depressed isn't really a shocker. It's there. I've talked about it before and usually, it's not that big of a deal for me to describe it to someone...how it feels, how it is never ending, how without the aid of medication, I'd be a completely different person.

But I've never talked about how it feels when you hit the low part of depression. When it feels like it takes all of your energy to just remember to breathe. When it's much like suffocating.

Yesterday was a bad day. And the thing about these types of bad days is that no matter how much you try and talk yourself out of it, you can't. You can't say "Tiff, this is stupid, quit being in such a bad mood." or "Tiff, quit crying, you don't even have a reason to be shedding these tears". Instead, you're a victim to the pain and you have to sit through it and pray that it's over soon. It's not like I woke up and said to myself "Today will be shitty. Get ready". Rather, it creeps up in small baby steps until you're completely engulfed by this dark cloud that is clouding your thoughts and fogging your emotions. It's kind of like if you got caught in the rain without your umbrella, only there was no door to run into for cover and you were just stuck standing out in the middle of the road until the rain chose to leave, only it's an all day shower.

Yesterday,  I made the comment on my facebook status that I was going to crawl into my bed and cry for the rest of the day. Friends asked if it had to do with my friend Preston who is battling lymphoma cancer at MD Anderson and keeps getting not so great test results back. While this is definitely something that added to the pain of yesterday, it wasn't the sole reason for the pain and it certainly wasn't the cause. I can't even say that there is a cause....obviously, depression could be the cause, but other than that, it doesn't take a specific event to trigger the day. Sure, there are dates coming up in this month that I'd rather not have to go through and not have to wake up for, but I can pretty much find an excuse any day of the year when this happens. But the truth is, the excuse is not the reason for the bad day. Depression is.

Over the past few months, it's been better. I've had less bad days and more good and I was feeling pretty good about myself, my depression, and life. Yesterday really set me back. I hadn't felt that way in a long time and it was hard to handle. When you're used to bad days, you kind of make a routine. Okay, I'm going to lie here and take deep breaths until you feel less anxious, more calm. I'm going to think of sunshine and daisies and all the wonderful things in the world. But, when it creeps up on you, none of that works. It's easier to simply succumb to the  pain and lie in your bed crying. See, the thing is, every day is a battle between good and evil. Everyday I have bad thoughts, good thoughts, crazy thoughts and my mind is fighting to preserve itself.

Depression isn't easy. And sometimes, it's hard to talk about. So, if you know someone suffering from depression understand that your understanding of the situation is the best thing for them, and that sometimes, it feels like being held under water without the chance to catch your breath. Sure, it's in our nature to help our friends when they're hurting, but sometimes, they have to go through. They have to experience the pain to get back on the other side of things. Just be there. That's all any of us can do.

the fragility of life.....

did I say that I need you
did I say that I want you
oh if i didn't I'm a fool you see
no one knows this more than me......

heavy title, I know. 

There are dates in time that sometimes we wish would never recur. There are moments we wish we would never have to remember and there are things we pray we can forget. but the dates keep coming, the moments are there and the things we want to forget linger.

2009 was a year that I desperately wanted to end and wanted to forget. However, in the months since 2009 has passed, things haven't been forgotten, and dates keep coming......

The year started normal enough, although I was stricken with just about every kind of random illness one person can possibly have. It was rough, but I managed to get through most of it. And then, the bottom fell out. 

Starting in June, 2009 was a whirlwind of emotions and heartahe. First, we lost our beloved dog Abby. She had been around since I was in 5th grade and she was an amazing friend. I still miss her dearly. 

August has been a hard month for a few years now, since the passing of my great Aunt Chia. (I know, weird name, but my mom couldn't say her name when she was little, so Chia came out!) To say that I miss her is a gross understatement, because there are some people who leave a hole in your heart when they pass. This August marks the 5 year anniversary of her passing and it's going to be just as hard as the past 4 years, I am sure. In August 2009, my grandfather passed away. August 10 to be exact. Some of you may remember because I wrote about my last few minutes with him and the clarity that he seemed to find as I was saying my final goodbyes. I can not believe it's almost been a year since that tearful goodbye between us. My heart still aches when I'm in San Antonio, at his house, or when my mind finds his face, but it gets a little bit easier every day. 

In September, my world was changed forever. My sister was 6 months pregnant and in what felt like a heartbeat, she lost my sweet baby nephew. Wow. it's hard to say almost a year later. I will never forget the heartwrenching drive to the hospital, or the look on her face when I got there. And I most certainly will never forget the scream of terror that left her mouth when the doctor confirmed the worst. I do not want to believe that it's almost been a year because it feels like it was yesterday. I know that my sister's life was saved that day, and that's what helps me get through the tough days, but I can't help but be angry that he's not here. It just doesn't seem fair in the big scheme of things. 

After September, 2009 is pretty much a blur. I can't remember much of what happened and I think part of my memories are blocked. I remember starting 2010 thinking that I was going to pull the ones I loved closer to me. I don't think I've done a very good job of that as of late, though. In my life, I've had the tremendous joy of having several friends who I consider family and who I lean on in time of distress. However, some of them I don't see very often, nor do I talk to that often. And it makes me sad and mad at the same time. Sad because I love them, and I miss them. And mad because I should be doing a better job of holding them close to me. 

So, although some tough times are ahead for myself and especially my family, I'm going to work on pulling those I love closer to me. Letting them know that they're important to me and that I love them more than life. Because in the end, it's the family you have and the family you make for yourself that is going to pull you through tough memories, tough moments in life and years you wish you could forget. 

There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all. 
© SONY/ATV TUNES LLC;SONY BEATLES LTD

Weekend Shenanigans!!!!

This is going to be brief, but  I thought I'd post something fun instead of some crazy rant that displays the true nature of my jacked up brain...

Here's what I'll be doing tonight:

And here's what I'll be doing tomorrow!!!

Yes, you should be jealous. I plan on having a very nice, vodka enhanced weekend! :)


I have a punishing workout regimen. Every day I do 3 minutes on a treadmill, then I lie down, drink a glass of vodka and smoke a cigarette.
Anthony Hopkins

A Vast Assortment

Today, I was thinking about how lucky I am to have a very vast assortment of friends in my life.

I have people that I consider to be my best friends, and I hold them very near and dear to my heart. These people are my family, even if not by blood.

I have people that I calll my "life-long" friends and I hold them very near and dear to my heart. They are like family to me.

I have people that I see occasionally, but would still call my best friends because we can go weeks without talking to each other and pick up right where we left off the last time we saw each other. And I know that I could either of these friends when in a pickle, and they'd do anything to help me.

I have friends that I went to school with, that I consider to be my good friends. We may not talk often, or talk about silly stuff all the time (read: poop). But my life is better for them being in it, and I'd take a bullet for anyone of them.

I have new friends that I'm spending more time with and learning more about all the time. They also happen to be members of my church, so I'm finding spiritual connections that I think I was missing. 

I have friends who are snobby, generous, compassionate, selfish, arrogant, loving, extraodinarily talented, funny, closedminded, openminded...and the list could go on and on.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that, by allowing myself to be open to as vast array of friendships and people, I've found some of the most amazing people I could ever hope for to have in my life. I guess I'm lucky that way. I feel like I could call on almost any of these people in times of crisis and they'd all be there for me. It's a good feeling to know that you have support out there in the world, isn't it? What would a life without friendship be? I can't even begin to imagine it.

I often think of how friendships come and friendships go, and it makes me sad because I do fall for my friends so quickly. I'm a lover, not a fighter, and I fall in love with new friendships quickly and hard. I know some people can just let friendships slip away and fade when they've run their course, but I've always found that hard. I find myself wondering 5 months down the road how they're doing and what's new in their life. Sometimes, friendship comes back around and I have some friendships like that too. But sometimes, maybe it's not meant to come back around. Maybe, the purpose is over and life must continue without them. Who knows. I shall ponder the meaning of friendship for a while longer.

But fate ordains that dearest friends must part.  

~Edward Young

New tattoo....new lessons

First and foremost....new tattoo. Don't make fun of the pic. It's not an iPhone 4 so it doesn't take AMAZING pictures, but you get the idea.

new lessons:

1. Life is short. Have fun. Get the tattoo that you've wanted for 6 years...let loose. 
2. Shit happens and you have no choice but to pick yourself up and move forward. Dwelling on the shit only makes the shit worse! (I know, deep thoughts)
3. Let people go. Friendships aren't always meant to be lifelong. When they are, those friends will fight for you and fight to keep you in their life. They'll tell you to go and get that new tattoo because they know you best and know that in 20 years, you'll both laugh at the funny things you've done.
4. You really should marry your best friend. Mine is amazing. He usually knows what to say to make me laugh or smile and he loves me unconditionally, even when I'm moody for no apparent reason. 
5. Keep your family close. You never know when something is going to come along and break your heart and you'll need them the most. 
6. See your friends as often as you can. Don't let distance be the reason you haven't seen them in a year. Find time. Go visit. Love them. 
7. Let your soul be free. (see: dove tattoo). Life is short. So short. We shouldn't live our lives confined in a box that society or someone else has built for us. We should live free. 
8. Respect others. The golden rule is the oldest but the hardest to follow for some reason. Imagine a world where everyone looked out for everyone else and took the time to respect each other. 
9. Go see a loved one even if you know it's the last time you'll see them. There's something about that last embrace or that last "I love you, darling" that you'll never forget. Don't wait until it's too late and you're talking to an empty vessel. 
10. It's okay to vent! And the best part of venting is having a good friend who will listen! :)

These are some things that I've learned/reminded myself of this year. These past 12 months have been hell, but somehow, I think there's going to be light at the end of the tunnel. I know it's not January so it's weird for a "lessons on life" post, but whatev. It's my blog and I do what I want.

Live all you can; it's a mistake not to. It doesn't so much matter what you do in particular, so long as you have your life. If you haven't had that, what have you had? 
Henry James