Hardships of growing up

I know, my blog has been rather down in the dumps, but I think this one might end on a better note.

Tomorrow marks the 1 year anniversary of Jim's passing. One year. One whole year. It's absolutely unbelievable.

I've never been as heart broken as I was the day that my sister lost my nephew.  But, this past year has come very close to inflicting the same amount of pain.

There have been days where I thought my heart literally was going to break. That it couldn't possibly handle any more bad news, or loss. That there had to be a point in life where the hurt just ceased. Unfortuately, the pain didn't stop just because I wanted it to. Fortunately, I made it through. There were days of endless tears. Moments where I literally couldn't control my emotions. And then there were days where the memories brought tears of joy and happiness. Days when I felt like Jim's life meant something, not just to me, but to dozens of other people.

I still can't believe that there will be moments in my life that I won't be able to share with him. Namely, when the husband and I finally become parents. Jim was an amazing man and one of his many gifts was teaching children. I know that he changed my life by being a teacher in mine. And I've watched him change the lives of others. Knowing that my niece, my children, won't have the sme guidance and nurturing as I did from a man I adored, is hard. It makes me sad. I can only pray that there is someone else down the road who is just as talented as he was and can provide the same type of guidance. That's the miracle of life, right? There is usually more than one person who is gifted at a certain skill.

My heart hurts over the many, many things that Jim won't be here for. Milestones with his granddaughter, with his children, a million things that we often take for granted without even thinking twice. My heart hurts that every month I feel like my memories are fading a little bit more. It's as if they're still there, but not as crisp as they were a year ago. I can't hear his voice anymore, but I can still feel his love.

But, this year has taught me so many things that it's hard to chop it up as a total waste. I've learned the utter importance of your chosen family. My blood family is amazing and I lean on them for support constantly. They have seen me through a number of obstacles in my life. But, my chosen family, the family that I've built for myself, has seen me through the worst of this year. And I know that part of it is because we've gone through it together. We've felt the pain together, shared his memory together, loved together. And honestly, I can say that I'm closer to them now than I have been in my entire life. Even though they've been in my life for 20+ years and I grew up with their guidance.

While I continue to miss Jim every single day, I'm grateful that my chosen family has become closer. It sucks that often times it takes a death to help you realize how important they are to you, but sometimes life's lessons come with a hefty price. And thankfully, I believe that Jim is watching over me still even though I can't go in for one of his hugs, or hear him tell me he loves me.  That's the beauty of faith, I suppose. Having the hope that somewhere out there, the ones we love are still close by.

This year was hard. I've felt more heartbroken than most years, but I've also felt more loved than any other year in my life. Life is so incredibly precious. Please, don't take it for granted. Love the ones you love. Love them big!

"The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost."
- G. K. Chesterton

4th of July Memories

This fourth of July is going to be tough. Part of the reason why it's going to be tough is becasue last 4th of July was the last time my whole "family" was together. Jim was still with us, and so was Frank. It was happy and fun and we had a great time together. None of us knew that in 2 short months we'd be without Jim and in 9 months we'd be without Frank. That's the thing about the future, it doesn't ever reveal it's plans to you. Instead, things just happen.

We all got together on Memorial Day, but it was a little bit easier. Memorial Day wasn't the last time we were all together. The fourth of July was. I'm both looking forward to Wednesday and dreading it. I can't wait to spend time with my family and I know that despite the pain we'll inevitably be feeling, we'll be happy because we're together.

My friend lost her grandmother this weekend. And when I texted her my condolensces, she said "I have so many memories from her and Opa." And this struck me because at a time when when she could have said something, anything different, she managed to highlight the part that makes grief a little bit easier. The fact that we were lucky enough to make memories and to cherish those memories when our loved ones are gone.

So, yes, this holiday will be hard. And Labor Day will be even harder. But, instead of being sad that my family is no longer with me, I'm going to think about all the great memories we had together and all the 4th of Julys we spent together making those memories.

Happy 4th. And as always, remember that our freedom isn't free and there are men and women sacrificing their lives so we can sit back and bbq.

July 4, 2011.