Hardships of growing up

I know, my blog has been rather down in the dumps, but I think this one might end on a better note.

Tomorrow marks the 1 year anniversary of Jim's passing. One year. One whole year. It's absolutely unbelievable.

I've never been as heart broken as I was the day that my sister lost my nephew.  But, this past year has come very close to inflicting the same amount of pain.

There have been days where I thought my heart literally was going to break. That it couldn't possibly handle any more bad news, or loss. That there had to be a point in life where the hurt just ceased. Unfortuately, the pain didn't stop just because I wanted it to. Fortunately, I made it through. There were days of endless tears. Moments where I literally couldn't control my emotions. And then there were days where the memories brought tears of joy and happiness. Days when I felt like Jim's life meant something, not just to me, but to dozens of other people.

I still can't believe that there will be moments in my life that I won't be able to share with him. Namely, when the husband and I finally become parents. Jim was an amazing man and one of his many gifts was teaching children. I know that he changed my life by being a teacher in mine. And I've watched him change the lives of others. Knowing that my niece, my children, won't have the sme guidance and nurturing as I did from a man I adored, is hard. It makes me sad. I can only pray that there is someone else down the road who is just as talented as he was and can provide the same type of guidance. That's the miracle of life, right? There is usually more than one person who is gifted at a certain skill.

My heart hurts over the many, many things that Jim won't be here for. Milestones with his granddaughter, with his children, a million things that we often take for granted without even thinking twice. My heart hurts that every month I feel like my memories are fading a little bit more. It's as if they're still there, but not as crisp as they were a year ago. I can't hear his voice anymore, but I can still feel his love.

But, this year has taught me so many things that it's hard to chop it up as a total waste. I've learned the utter importance of your chosen family. My blood family is amazing and I lean on them for support constantly. They have seen me through a number of obstacles in my life. But, my chosen family, the family that I've built for myself, has seen me through the worst of this year. And I know that part of it is because we've gone through it together. We've felt the pain together, shared his memory together, loved together. And honestly, I can say that I'm closer to them now than I have been in my entire life. Even though they've been in my life for 20+ years and I grew up with their guidance.

While I continue to miss Jim every single day, I'm grateful that my chosen family has become closer. It sucks that often times it takes a death to help you realize how important they are to you, but sometimes life's lessons come with a hefty price. And thankfully, I believe that Jim is watching over me still even though I can't go in for one of his hugs, or hear him tell me he loves me.  That's the beauty of faith, I suppose. Having the hope that somewhere out there, the ones we love are still close by.

This year was hard. I've felt more heartbroken than most years, but I've also felt more loved than any other year in my life. Life is so incredibly precious. Please, don't take it for granted. Love the ones you love. Love them big!

"The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost."
- G. K. Chesterton

Life isn't always sunshine and daisies..

I like to think that the majority of the time, I'm pretty positive and upbeat. But, my life isn't always sunshine and daisies. There are hardships that I simply don't know how to deal with. Sure, I deal with them the best I can, I reach out to my friends, my family and hope that someone has the right encouraging words to keep me going for another day, hour, minute. But sometimes, things feel heavy. Like the weight of the world is bearing down on my shoulders.

These past few weeks have been like that. On the upside, I switched positions at work, in the same department (woo!) and it's been really fun to learn something new. Thankfully, my boss is super cool and is patient with me as I figure out things. Unfortunately, this time of year is hard for me. My grandfather died in August. Preston died in August. Jim died in September. It hasn't yet been a year since Jim passed, but it's been a year since we put him in the hospital. Since we intubated him. Since we celebrated his 44 year wedding anniversary in the hospital. August/September are hard for me. Will they always be? I don't know. Are they this year?  You bet.

Adding to the mix is the realization that one of my favorite co-workers is dealing with a brain tumor that is more than likely being cause by a viscious form of cancer. I've visited a few times to try and cheer him up, but his spirits are deflated. As anyone's would be while spending all of your time in a hospital room/rehab center room. I'm worried about him. I'm worried about his family. I'm worried that they too will know the pain that losing a loved one can bring.

I'm worried. I'm worried about work. I'm worried about Jim's family. I'm worried about my friend's family. I'm just worried. I've been trying really hard to pinpoint my feelings and work with them, but it seems to boil down to worry. I'm worried.

My dear friends lost their Oma a few months back. This past weekend, they had the memorial service for her. I depserately wanted to be there but simply didn't have the time. One of my friends made a very touching video for her. And featured the song below. I'd heard the song before, but I'd never heard it sung by a female. I've been listening to it on repeat. Thinking about the ones I've lost. Treasuring the memories that flash through my memory from time to time and praying that my other friend doesn't get added to this loop of ones I've lost.

Maybe you're dealing with something too. Maybe this song will touch your heart too. To my friend, all I can say, is thank you. Thank you for re-introducing me to a wonderful song.

Couldn't get the embedding to work, so do me a favor and click the link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rweQlz1TQYg

"If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less..keep me in your heart for a while"
- Warren Zevon