The times, they are-a changing!!!

I am so excited to write this post that I don't even know where to begin!!! Let me start by saying, NO, I'm not pregnant. But I am probably just as excited as if I were pregnant. (Maybe).

The hubs has landed a new gig and will no longer be working RETAIL!!!!! WAHOO TOUCHDOWN DANCE TOUCHDOWN DANCE TOUCHDOWN DANCE!!

As some of you may know, the hubs and I are going on our 12th year of knowing each other/dating each other/being together and in ALL THAT TIME he has worked RETAIL! Don't get me wrong, for the better part of 11 years, the money has been good for him and it's been a good gig. But, as our lives have started changing, as we've really settled into our marriage and has goals have become different than what they were 11 years ago. Mainly, the hubs REALLY REALLY REALLY wants to go to nursing school. Not so easy when you work crazy hours, every holiday, every weekend, and all hours of the day.

BUT by the grace of God and through an amazing friend, he's found a new gig that will allow him to pursue other options and even nursing school!

My only fear is that we get tired of seeing each other so much! Ha ha. But, it's probably not possible since I was lucky enough to marry my best fried.

So cheers to the HUBS!!!! TOUCHDOWN DANCE! TOUCHDOWN DANCE!!

And cheers to our friend, Lady GC (name ommitted because she's a super freak about the internet and what's posted about her!)

Here's to a super fun, although challenging (see previous post) 2013 with lots of more time spent with my best friend!!!!!

"If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really living."
Gail Sheehy

Holy Blog Post Batman!

Blogger tells me it's been 95 days since my last confession post. Not sure if that's the longest I've ever gone, or not. Things have been C R A Z Y these past few months. I could break it all down for you, but it'd be super boring, and you probably wouldn't care. I will however, hit the highlights. Or rather, give you a HIGH and a LOW. Seems fair.

HIGH - Got promoted at work!!! I'm officially a supervisor and have employees that report to me and everything! Coolest part? Office. Worst part - holy crap there is still so much work to do! There was just as much work before I think, it's just now, there is an added bonus of getting more money to do them. All in all, work is going really well. I like my employees and my new boss (not sure I covered that here or not, might be better suited for another day). With the new job, the hubs has decided to start looking for a new position as well. He's decided that the money doesn't outweigh the stress anymore and he's ready to do something a little more mindless for a little less pay so that he can focus on school and getting his nursing degree. I'm super proud of him for making the choice finally, even though it means we might not do as much fun stuff in the future.

LOW - got diagnosed with PCOS. Basically, my hormones are whack and because they are whack, I'm not producing mature eggs. Not the most exciting news that could have been given to me on any given day. But, the good news is, there are treatments for PCOS although there is no cure. AND, even though the internet makes it seem pretty grim, there are options for getting pregnant. And that's what is most important to me right now.....getting pregnant.

Shouldn't come as a surprise to my real-life readers, we've been talking off and on for a year and a half or so about getting pregnant. The problem is, it just wasn't happening. The experts all agree that a year and a half of unprotected sex should yield a spawn. And if it doesn't, something could be wrong.

In case you came to this blog post by searching PCOS, let me fill you in on how I was diagnosed:

1. My period was whack. It would show up on time some months, some months it was severely late, and some months, it didn't show up at all.
2. We'd been trying to get pregnant for several months, but essentially, had been birth control free for a year and a half.
3. Sevreal talks with my doctor about these two items led her to do a panel of blood work that confirmed PCOS.
1. There are sevreal hormones that they test for this. In my case, my testosterone was mildly elevated and my insulin was OFF THE CHARTS.

First course of action for me, since my insulin was so insanely high is to try Metformin. This should help regulate my insulin levels, which in theory, should lead to regular ovulation and BAM! BABY! I've got to build up the medication in my system though, so we're probably still a few weeks out from BAM! BABY! but there's a plan and that's what matters.

There are other exciting things going on in my life that I'll probably cover in the next few weeks. Gotta keep something out there to keep you coming back, right?

But bottom line, if you feel like you're not having the luck you wanted when trying to get pregnant, I encourage you to talk to your doctor. Maybe it's something they can fix! Sure, it might be harder than fixing PCOS, but it could still be fixable. You never know if you don't ask, right?

So go forth and reproduce! And if you run across other problems, you should sure Janet's blog and Colleen's blog, because we are the 2%!

Forgiveness

I just really love trees so I added this pic for flair!

Holy busy-ness Batman! My life is a freaking roller coaster ride that is spiraling down the track at about 120 MPH. I feel like I need to vomit! That being said, I'm alive. Work has been particuarly insane these past few months. My sis in law asked me the other day if I abandonned my blog. Heck no! I've just had trouble finding time to breathe let alone think about a blog post! Anyway, there is one thing that has been weighing heavy on my heart and mind lately.....FORGIVENESS.

It's such a simple word. Forgive. To forgive. To be forgiven. Here's the dictionary.com version of that word for ya:

for·give

   fərˈgɪv/ Show S

1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.

2. to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).

3. to grant pardon to (a person).

4. to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.

5. to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.

 

Small word, big meaning. Often times in our lives, things come up. People do things that we don't like. That we don't appreciate. But it's the bigger person who can look within themselves and say "hey, this person is my friend. Maybe they need my forgiveness now more than ever?"

And don't even get me started on forgiveness in marriage! I once heard that forgiveness is the greatst gift that you can give to your marriage. Why? Becuase there are going to be times when he just doesn't get it girls. He doesn't understand that your emotions are literally at their highest level of crazy and that telling you he doesn't like the salad dressing you bought this month is the one thing that is going to set you off. God forbid he even mention the way you look today. (unless it's of course a comparison to a Greek Goddess...In that case, I'm always willing to listen!).

 

My point with all this rambling is that I think learning to forgive and to ask for forgiveness when you've done a wrong is one of the big parts about becoming an adult and really growing into yourself. Sure we say "I'm sorry" when we're younger and our parents make us apologize to a sibling for ripping the heads of their Barbie, but I don't think we really understand what we're saying. Or maybe it's that in the big scheme of things, tifts like that are so small that we don't grasp the relevance of the situation.

 

I know that these past few months I've been holding a grudge or two against people who probably just need me to let it go and forgive them. Some of them don't even know that I've been quietly judging them and creating a tally in my head for the wrongs they've committed. It's my choice to become a better person. To no longer sit back and judge when I'm not sure how I would react in the same situation. It's also my choice to forgive them for not behaving in a manner that I expected they should. Forgiveness is key. Forgiveness is the greatest gift we can give to a relationship.

 

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” 

― Mahatma Gandhi, All Men are Brothers: Autobiographical Reflections

Hardships of growing up

I know, my blog has been rather down in the dumps, but I think this one might end on a better note.

Tomorrow marks the 1 year anniversary of Jim's passing. One year. One whole year. It's absolutely unbelievable.

I've never been as heart broken as I was the day that my sister lost my nephew.  But, this past year has come very close to inflicting the same amount of pain.

There have been days where I thought my heart literally was going to break. That it couldn't possibly handle any more bad news, or loss. That there had to be a point in life where the hurt just ceased. Unfortuately, the pain didn't stop just because I wanted it to. Fortunately, I made it through. There were days of endless tears. Moments where I literally couldn't control my emotions. And then there were days where the memories brought tears of joy and happiness. Days when I felt like Jim's life meant something, not just to me, but to dozens of other people.

I still can't believe that there will be moments in my life that I won't be able to share with him. Namely, when the husband and I finally become parents. Jim was an amazing man and one of his many gifts was teaching children. I know that he changed my life by being a teacher in mine. And I've watched him change the lives of others. Knowing that my niece, my children, won't have the sme guidance and nurturing as I did from a man I adored, is hard. It makes me sad. I can only pray that there is someone else down the road who is just as talented as he was and can provide the same type of guidance. That's the miracle of life, right? There is usually more than one person who is gifted at a certain skill.

My heart hurts over the many, many things that Jim won't be here for. Milestones with his granddaughter, with his children, a million things that we often take for granted without even thinking twice. My heart hurts that every month I feel like my memories are fading a little bit more. It's as if they're still there, but not as crisp as they were a year ago. I can't hear his voice anymore, but I can still feel his love.

But, this year has taught me so many things that it's hard to chop it up as a total waste. I've learned the utter importance of your chosen family. My blood family is amazing and I lean on them for support constantly. They have seen me through a number of obstacles in my life. But, my chosen family, the family that I've built for myself, has seen me through the worst of this year. And I know that part of it is because we've gone through it together. We've felt the pain together, shared his memory together, loved together. And honestly, I can say that I'm closer to them now than I have been in my entire life. Even though they've been in my life for 20+ years and I grew up with their guidance.

While I continue to miss Jim every single day, I'm grateful that my chosen family has become closer. It sucks that often times it takes a death to help you realize how important they are to you, but sometimes life's lessons come with a hefty price. And thankfully, I believe that Jim is watching over me still even though I can't go in for one of his hugs, or hear him tell me he loves me.  That's the beauty of faith, I suppose. Having the hope that somewhere out there, the ones we love are still close by.

This year was hard. I've felt more heartbroken than most years, but I've also felt more loved than any other year in my life. Life is so incredibly precious. Please, don't take it for granted. Love the ones you love. Love them big!

"The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost."
- G. K. Chesterton

Life isn't always sunshine and daisies..

I like to think that the majority of the time, I'm pretty positive and upbeat. But, my life isn't always sunshine and daisies. There are hardships that I simply don't know how to deal with. Sure, I deal with them the best I can, I reach out to my friends, my family and hope that someone has the right encouraging words to keep me going for another day, hour, minute. But sometimes, things feel heavy. Like the weight of the world is bearing down on my shoulders.

These past few weeks have been like that. On the upside, I switched positions at work, in the same department (woo!) and it's been really fun to learn something new. Thankfully, my boss is super cool and is patient with me as I figure out things. Unfortunately, this time of year is hard for me. My grandfather died in August. Preston died in August. Jim died in September. It hasn't yet been a year since Jim passed, but it's been a year since we put him in the hospital. Since we intubated him. Since we celebrated his 44 year wedding anniversary in the hospital. August/September are hard for me. Will they always be? I don't know. Are they this year?  You bet.

Adding to the mix is the realization that one of my favorite co-workers is dealing with a brain tumor that is more than likely being cause by a viscious form of cancer. I've visited a few times to try and cheer him up, but his spirits are deflated. As anyone's would be while spending all of your time in a hospital room/rehab center room. I'm worried about him. I'm worried about his family. I'm worried that they too will know the pain that losing a loved one can bring.

I'm worried. I'm worried about work. I'm worried about Jim's family. I'm worried about my friend's family. I'm just worried. I've been trying really hard to pinpoint my feelings and work with them, but it seems to boil down to worry. I'm worried.

My dear friends lost their Oma a few months back. This past weekend, they had the memorial service for her. I depserately wanted to be there but simply didn't have the time. One of my friends made a very touching video for her. And featured the song below. I'd heard the song before, but I'd never heard it sung by a female. I've been listening to it on repeat. Thinking about the ones I've lost. Treasuring the memories that flash through my memory from time to time and praying that my other friend doesn't get added to this loop of ones I've lost.

Maybe you're dealing with something too. Maybe this song will touch your heart too. To my friend, all I can say, is thank you. Thank you for re-introducing me to a wonderful song.

Couldn't get the embedding to work, so do me a favor and click the link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rweQlz1TQYg

"If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less..keep me in your heart for a while"
- Warren Zevon