A little thing called depression....

So Dooce's post here made me think about my depression and what it's been like these past few months. Typically, when things get tougher in my life, and my energy gets stripped away, my depression wavers and gets a little bit worse. Lately, though, that hasn't really been the case.

Instead, things have been pretty even kelter and not much has been happening. Overall, I've been able to focus on the positives in my life and have put my attention towards those instead of getting "down in the dumps." But her post made me realize that while the seasons don't necessarily affect me in the same way they do some, my depression definitely takes the course of ugly monster for no reason whatsoever.

I know that some people get into ruts where they feel more depressed on a regular basis during certain times of the year or months of their lives. Mine is slightly more random than that. As in, I'll wake up one day feeling 1,000x worse than the day before and have no good reason for why. I could say "Oh, I just slept on the wrong side of the bed. Ha ha." But, the truth is, I know that it's more than that. I know that it's more about the fact that my mind is a beautiful monster that rears it's ugly side sometimes and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. Sure, I can force myself about of bed and force myself to get through the day, but that's about it. And even then, I can act happy and cheerful, but there's still this dark cloud of gloom that hangs over my head. And there's no reason for it other than that's the way my body is feeling that day. It sucks.

The good news in all of this? Depression is getting easier to talk about. And by getting easier to talk about I mean that it's becoming more accepted and people are realizing that being affected by depression the same as having, say diabetes. It's a disease. It happens. To more people than most realize, I would dare to say.

So if you know someone who is depressed, then reach out to them. Let them know that if they need to talk (even if it doesn't make any sense to you) that you're available and willing to give them an ear. It might be a complete nonsense rambling session, but at least you're letting them talk about it. Because honestly, pretending like it doesn't exist or is taboo is just dumb in 2011. And it's almost 2012. Time to get out of our closets and talk about things that happen to real people.

I'm here to help too. If you're reading this and you want to chat, leave a comment and I'll get in touch with you. There are better days. This is not the worst day just because it's not the best.

Hang in there buttercups!

They say that breaking up is hard to do....

Recently, my life has been all sorts of turmoil. There have been more hard days than easy and the situations I and my family have been going through have been extremely difficult. Through all of it though, I've gained some really good perspective about who my friends are and which ones are necessary in my life. And I've figured out that some relationships have run their course and are fizzling out.


It's been a really hard realization to come to because it's not easy to remove people from your life. Especially people whom you've cared about deeply and shared so many memories with. But, at the same time, the one thing I have learned and experienced over and over again these past few months, and years, is that life is entirely too short to live unhappy or with friendships that don't provide the nourishment and balance that you need in your life.

It's sad to me because looking back there have been some amazing memories and times with some of these friends, but then, at the same time, there's been some incredibly hard times as well. Particularly times when things were really hard for me and I didn't feel like I could call on them for help or support.

I've made the decision to be more committed to my friends and family and I don't think I could have done it without evaluating the friendships in my life and finding the friends that are worth keeping. The ones that have truly been there for me when I needed them, whether it was just an email offering guidance or an offering to meet up and discuss the current woes in my life.

I know that friendships can't be the same as they were when we were 4. I know that they take work. But I also know that one person shouldn't feel like they're putting in all the work. Life is better spent with fulfilling relationships that help us grow, and learn. Not ones that cause us to worry and suffer. It's just not worth it. Not at this point in our lives. Growing up really sucks. 

I'll leave you with the Beatles. This song has always rang true for me, but more so today and than other....

In My Life by the Beatles. 

"there are places I remember, all my life, though have some changed.... some forever not for better, some are gone, and some remain. all these places had their moments, with lovers and friends, I still can recall. Some are dead and some are living...In my live, I've loved them all"

Work it out!!!!!

first, that was the safest "work out" picture I could find on google! INSANE!

Second -- I need a new work out routine. Here's the gist of why....

• I dont do well on my own. Sure, I know HOW to work out and what is good, but I need something that tells me do this on day one and this on day two. I need something fun and exciting or else I'm just going to do the treadmill for a few days and then give up. 
• I know what 20 year old Tiffany would do, but I don't know what 27 year old Tiffany needs or wants to do....so it's just bringing me down. 
• I need routine. I'm better with routine. If I have something that is repeatable and fun, then I'll go further with it than just something that I come up with.
• Preferably, I'd like for it be like a 30 day challenge or something so that I can look at it and kick it's ass! 

So yeah, I need some routine. Any thoughts on what would work? I've tried some of the videos but haven't gotten too committed to them to date. Partly because I don't own them probably.

"Too many people confine their exercise to jumping to conclusions, running up bills, stretching the truth, bending over backward, lying down on the job, sidestepping responsibility and pushing their luck"

Blogiversary (albeit a few months away) Goals

"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world.  This makes it hard to plan the day."

  ~Elwyn Brooks White

I've almost had this blog for 4 years...January 30, 2012 will be my 4 year blogiversary as it were.  I was trying to think of something to write today and I couldn't decide where I should go with this, so I decided to think of what I want to put of more on my blog and what I'd like to write less of. 

Here is my quick, off the top of my head list. 

More photography. 

I love photography. Like LOVE it and I don't devote nearly enough time to taking pictures and posting them on my blog. I've done mostly landscapey stuff, which is all well and good, but I want more adventure pictures. I want to drive around and take road trips and add pictures of the wild and crazy things that I find along the way. Here's hoping that in year 4 of my blog we start seeing some of that!!

More everyday life lessons.
I had a guy tell me this week that if you go through a day and don't learn something then you're not very smart. And I think that's so true. I mean, look at all the really great people from our history...they continuously learned, no matter what age, and no matter what was happening in their lives. I read a lot and I learn a good deal of information that way, but I want to start documenting the things that I learn on a more regular basis. Even if they're really dumb and don't make sense to most people, I want to remember the things I learn and be a life-learner, not just an educated person. 

More excitement!
Lately the blog has been kind of down in the dumps. Which, granted, the blog usually takes on whatever mood my life is having, but I'd like for it to be a little more exciting and a little less gloomy. So, I'm going to try and find things that are more interesting to put on here! 

Less of a therapy session. 

This ties in with the one above. Often times, I use this blog to let out some steam and to vent about the various ongoings in my life. I think that often times though it's like a message to the world that I'm suffering or hurting or feeling depressed. While I think that getting those things out is very important, I'm not so sure it has to be done on my blog. in public. So, I'm going to steer away from using this blog as my therapy and find another way to find that peace in my life. 

These are just a few of the things that have been rattling around in my brain, but here's hoping I get back on a more regular blog posting schedule and that it's more fun for both of us! 

"Just living is not enough.  One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower."  

~Hans Christian Anderson
     

NEW NIECELETTE! NEW NIECELETTE!!!

mmmkay, so my sis is having a baby girl in January and I'm so super excited! I love babies, but I really love baby girls!!!

I just bought her these shoes, and I thought my blog could use a little perking up, so I'm sharing them with you.

So hurry up niecelette! I want you to wear these already!!!

Final Goodbyes

my "dad" playing washers 7/4/11

Friday afternoon, we held a service for my friend Jim. Never in my wildest dreams would I think that at this point in my life, I would be standing up in front of hundreds of people, saying goodbye to one of my most treasured friends. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Part of the difficulty was coming up with the right things to say about my friend. I didn't want to short change him, and I didn't want to be too long winded. I wanted it to be the perfect length and the perfect message. I wrote about 12 different versions and opted for a shorter one because I knew that I was barely going to make it through. The first speaker did an amazing job. She talked about her time with Jim and the young children of the church. She talked about how Jim would care for the children of his Sunday School class from the time they were 4 and on. And how he treasured them the rest of their lives.

I was second but I'll skip my speech to tell you about the other 3. Jim's friend Frank got up and did an amazing job sending off his best friend. He talked about the talent show act they had done for so many years. And he talked about the fun stuff, the trips to the river, the washer tournaments, and how Jim was truly a brother to him. He was followed by Jim's son Chris who did such an awesome job, I was in awe. He eloquently described his dad to a "t" and gave such a heart felt speech it was hard not to bawl. Chris was followed by another long time friend, Rick. Rick and Jim were long time friends and skiers and they often skied just the two of them (while their wives stayed in and slept or shopped :) ) They would have long conversations about life and everything in between on the mountaintops in Lake Tahoe. He spoke of what Jim would want us to remember even though we're all going to miss him so very much. He started with a poem that resonated with me because it's so very true. (I'm not too happy with her website, but you can find it here.) It essentially talks about living the "dash" between your birth date and your date of death on your tombstone. It's a wonderful poem.

My speech was second, as I said. I had practiced it a million times and knew the words forwards and backwards. I thought for sure I would be able to get up in the pulpit, and say it without sobbing and without falling apart. I have never been more wrong in my life. I cried the entire time. I would try to stop and then would get to another part of the speech and cry some more. I felt terrible because it was not the tribute I wanted to give, but I simply could not stand reading the final words of my great friend. I was heartbroken. Luckily, everyone seemed to have received it well and complimented me on my speech, but I wish I could have cried a little less and smiled a little bit more.

I am honored and thankful that I was asked to speak at his service. And I'm proud of myself for doing it. I am terribly saddened by the fact that I said my final words of goodbye to my "adopted dad" on Friday, but I know I'll still speak to him and feel his presence throughout my life. I'll miss him terribly, but he'll always be with me because I was lucky enough to make a lifetime of memories with him.

I used this quote when Preston passed away and it's still true today. I read it often and remember the goo instead of the bad.

"...when you are sorrowful look again to your heart, and you shall see that in truth, you are weeping for that which has been your delight."
-Kahlil Gibran

Rest in peace my love. I'll be seeing you.

How do you sum up an amazing man?

My friend Jim passed away on Sunday at about 12:20AM. I'm heartbroken, but at peace because I know that he would never have been the same had he ever gotten out of the hospital and I know that he hated every minute of being intubated and sedated, lying in a hospital bed.

His wife has asked me to speak at his service. Which is an amazing honor and one I will not take lightly, but I'm having a really hard time summing up what he meant to me. He was my mentor. My "adopted dad". And my friend. And for 23 years of my life he played such a big role that trimming it down to just 5 or 10 minutes seems to be an injustice. But, at the same time, I know that he would hate for me to get up there and dote on him for 30 minutes!

It's weird. You know, when people are living, we hardly ever think about what we would say about them if they passed. And then when we're gone, it's like we can't find the right words. Guess that's kind of the bitterness of death. You always feel like you could have enjoyed a moment with them a little bit more, stayed in that moment a little bit longer, or found the words to tell them what they meant to you before they were gone.

Luckily, I know that Jim loved me and he knew how much I loved him. That's something he taught me: ;love is the greatest gift and we should share it with the world. So I'm going to live my life in that way - loving those around me without fail and teaching others how to love. You never know how much time you have on this earth, and living in hate is just far too difficult. But living in love? Ahh, now that's rewarding.

Rest in peace my dear sweet friend. I know I'll see you again when my life here is through. I'll miss you every day of forever.

Life doesn't always lead where you think it might...

I've done a lot of soul searching these past few weeks and I've come to realize one ultimate truth: life doesn't always lead where we think it might or where we think it should.

Let me explain. There are forces at work in my life that are seriously testing me. Testing my strength, my courage, and my faith. Testing my ability to remain positive in the face of negativity. Testing the bonds in my life to both my family, my friends, and my extended church family.

Some of the realizations that I've come to, I think I've danced around before and just haven't fully committed to them. But some of them have been pleasant surprises that have made me realize how incredibly lucky I've been to have some amazing people surrounding me. I've had friends in my life step up in ways I didn't ever think they would. Friends who have simply known it was a bad day and shown up just to give me a hug or called for a lunch date to give me a hug. Friends who warm embraces have saved me on more than one occasion. The bond between us has grown so much stronger and I feel so lucky that I've gotten to know them better, albeit through one of the more difficult times in my life.

My church family has always been amazing. One person told me once that the amazing thing about a community of faith is that someone will pray for you when you no longer have the strength to pray for yourself. And it's true. I know that my church family knows how difficult it has been for me to have Jim in the hospital and going through so many bad days. But in my moments of absolute despair, I've felt something come over me. Something peaceful and calming. And I truly believe that it's their prayers coming through at a time when I need them the most.

I'm not sure what the ultimate plan is for me during this time or for my dear sweet Jim But I think part of the plan has been showing me people who are going to be more permanent fixtures in my life and people who I should be surrounding myself with. People who build my faith and strengthen my beliefs. People who have shown up to hug me when I needed the hug the most. I'm blessed to have such an amazing family and "family". I sometimes forget that because things get hard and I want to focus on those things instead, but I'm going to start making a better effort to focus on the positive things. Like the amazing people in my life who have been there for me these past few weeks.

"Families are the compass that guide us. They are the inspiration to reach great heights, and our comfort when we occasionally falter."
~ Brad Henry ~

Let it be.....

Here is the most information I have on the moment about my friend Jim.

Yesterday, I went to the hospital just to check in and was planning on staying about 20 minutes. When I walked in, his wife was crying and they told me that they were in the process of re-intubating him. Apparently, yesterday had not been a good day. He had done some exercises in the morning, but between about 2:00PM and 4:00PM, he started taking a turn down a dangerous path.

He couldn't breathe and he was very confused. He has been confused for the past few days, since coming off the ventillator on Sunday. We all thought that the medicine was reacting with him and was just taking a time to leave his system and clear his mind. But yesterday, he wasn't any better. He was asking for friends to call 911 and to get him help. The thing is, physically, until yesterday afternoon, he was doing pretty well. The nurses were impressed with his improvements and felt like he was doing remarkably well for someone in his position. Other than being convinced that he wasn't doing well, he was on what seemed to be the right path.

After they intubated him again yesterday afternoon, he wasn't responding the way that they had wanted him to. He was still breathing very heavily and they couldn't get him to rest. Which is part of the reason why they went ahead and re-intubated him, to give his body some rest. So, they were working to chemically calm him down and get his numbers all back on track. He is supposed to have a tracheotomy today to allow for a breathing tube directly in his trach which would lead to less sedation and more flexibility. But, with his numbers being as bad as they were last night, they weren't sure if they were going to go through with it this morning. I'm not sure where we stand with that at this moment.

I believe that the doctors believe that he can and will make it through this rough patch. It's possible that his body just needs more time to recover from the acute onset of the IPF. (idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis). He's fighting and that's good. He hasn't been Jim since he woke up on Sunday. He's been very scared and confused and talking about death. He spoke about it before he was ventilated and that was more him. He was very calm about it and matter of fact. This Jim is almost child like.

I keep reminding myself of the Beatles song 'Let it Be'. I know that there is nothing I can do for him other than pray and support his family through this extremely difficult time. But it is so hard to see him lying there and to hear him begging you not to leave the room because he's scared. It's funny the way the mind can betray us so quickly.

Please pray for or send your positive vibes and good karma to my friend Jim. I'm going to be praying for whatever is best, even though that's not necessarily what I want to pray for. I'd much rather pray that he walks out of the hospital in the next few days and returns to the Jim I know and love so much.

"When I find myself in trouble, Mother Mary comes to me....speaking words of wisdom 'let it be'
'let it be, let it be. there will be an answer let it be'"
- The Beatles