Love you PH!

This is my friend Preston. I love him. He's one of those guys that is just downright fun to be around. He's funny, he's charming, he's got one of the biggest hearts I've ever been in the presence of and he's battling cancer. When this picture was taken, we were about to walk up 56 flights of stairs for him during the Big D climb. It's sponsored by the leukemia and lymphoma society. It sucked, I think you might recall me talking about it. On this day, he was in remission.

Last night, I got a text saying that he couldn't feel his legs or see out of his left eye and that something was terribly wrong. My heart stopped because I knew what was probably going to come next. And it came. I got the text that said "the cancer is back". My heart dropped. My eyes filled with tears and I wept for my friend Preston.

Here's what you should know about Preston....he's tough. He's stubborn, and he's going to beat this. But he needs our help. Even if you don't know him, he needs your help. So whether you are a Christian, Buddhist, Atheist, Hindu, Muslim, whatever....he needs your positive energy now more than ever.

While you're at it, you should send positive energy to Mrs.Horton. She's battling a strong, unyielding breast cancer and she needs your positive thoughts too. They're lives are in the hands of their doctors now, but what we can do is stay strong for them and help them through this.

"The very greatest things - great thoughts, discoveries, inventions - have usually been nurtured in hardships. Often pondered over in sorrow, and at length established with difficulty."
- Samuel Smiles

Ummmmm....WHAT?!

I use Google Reader for most of my news. If you don't have it, I highly recommend it!

I hardly ever click on the news story because I can usually get enough information out of the little heading that shows in my feed. However, sometimes, when the story is near my neighborhood or of interest to me, I go ahead and click it to read the full story.

What surprises me the most, although I'm not sure why, are the comments that people leave on various news stories. I would like to think that the people commenting on news stories make up >.00000001% of the population because if I ever meet some of these people, I will kill them.

I was reading a story about a woman who's body was found inside an SUV in a church parking lot. It was a sad story and I hope that the police are able to locate the killer. (they're thinking homicide at this point). What I cannot believe are the comments that people in my metroplex are leaving about this story. Most of them are racially charged and have something to do with "little Mexico". Most of the people are saying that the particular town in which this crime occurred is no longer safe and that the "Mexicans" have taken over.

I know that people (even though it's 2010) still freak out when someone of a different race with a different skin color moves in next door. I don't understand it, but whatever, it happens. But to seriously take the time and effort to comment on a story about a poor woman who lost her life, is just beyond me. Is the general population really that stupid? That racist? I guess I live my life with blinders on thinking that for the most part, we're all getting along. I guess I hope too much that we've come a long way since the days of Martin Luther King Jr, and Rosa Parks. Even further since Abe Lincoln. But, when I read comments like this, I feel like we're still right in the middle of it all. Sure, there are laws that are supposed to protect people now, but what protects them from the prejudices of other people?

I'm proud to say that my heritage is literally a melting pot of all kinds. White, Native American, Mexican American, Italian and who knows what else.

I just wish that the rest of the US would take a step back and notice that they're not a pure race either. At some point, we've all been mixed together. So why not treat people with dignity and respect until they give you a reason not to?

“Let us all hope that the dark clouds of racial prejudice will soon pass away, and that in some not too distant tomorrow the radiant stars of love and brotherhood will shine over our great nation with all their scintillating beauty.”

-Martin Luther King, Jr. 

Happy Pills.....and thank scientists for them!

So, happy pills. What exactly do I mean by the term happy pills? Well, I mean antidepressants. Anti-anxieties. Anti-everythings. A lot of people take happy pills, yet it still seems to be a taboo topic because society as a whole hasn't really accepted the idea that sometimes, whether people want to be or not, they are depressed. Sure, there are commercials on TV that ask you to call this number or this if you're feeling anxious or sad. I mean, we've all seen the little blob face that be-bops around and is sad until it takes some medicine. But that's not exactly what it's like.

I've taken anti-depressants for probably 5 years now. Not consecutively, but at random spurts here and there. I've had people tell me that I was weak for taking them. That I didn't need medication, what I needed was to grow up and face my problems head on. That taking anti-depressants was "silly" and my problems couldn't really be that bad.

But here's why I ignored them and followed what I knew I needed to do to take care of me.
I used to cry for no reason. I'd cry because I was angry, because I was hurt, because I was happy, because I didn't ace a test I took or didn't get the response I wanted from someone in my life. I understand that there are times in life when crying during those instances is perfectly acceptable behavior and almost needed. But, when you are crying every day regardless of what happens, something is probably off.

My family didn't talk about depression. It's possible that my Aunt suffered from depression and was misdiagnosed. It's possible that my grandfather suffered from depression. It's possible that a long line of family members suffered from something more than exhaustion and lethargy. But it's also possible that they didn't. I'm not sure if I think depression is genetic, but it sure seems to have a link in my family. However, that did not make it an easy subject to approach with my family.

The year I was diagnosed with depression, I kind of thought that I was just "tired" or "stressed". I moved back from Lubbock and started attending UNT. I had a new roommate and had to get used to be in a different environment. I was taking completely different classes and didn't know what to expect. I had only a few friends at the time. I thought my life was just changing and I wasn't keeping up with the pace very well. I thought I was just slightly "off". Among other things, I found a new doctor that year. During my first visit with her, she asked me if I had considered the possibility that I was depressed. Tears immediately filled my eyes and I broke down. I broke down in front of a woman that I had never met. I broke down because I was embarrassed. Because I didn't want to be labeled as "depressed". I broke down because I knew there was a good possibility that she was right. The signs were there,  I just hadn't taken a step back to look at them.

There was a point in my life where I quit taking anti-depressants. I thought that I had grown as a person and didn't need them anymore. I made the decision to ween myself off of them by taking less and less over the course of a week. I survived without them for a few months before disaster struck. I experienced a very stressful situation and a heated argument with a member of my family and the next thing I knew, I was debating cutting my arm to see if that would make me feel better. I thought, somehow, that if I made a small cut in my arm and inflicted physical pain, I would emotionally better. Thankfully for me, my family was there to keep me from harming myself. I made a call to the doctor the next day.

I've grown a lot through this whole experience and the biggest lesson that I've learned is that depression isn't taboo. It doesn't make me less of a person to be diagnosed with depression and it certainly doesn't make me less of a person to take medication to keep my brain in check. Depression wears many masks and can show up as one feeling tired or overwhelmed. It might make you cry for no reason. It might make you do things that you don't want to, or know that you shouldn't. But whatever it makes you feel or do, it's not your fault. I've learned that embracing my depression is the best defense I have. I know that I'm going to have days where I wish I could sit in my bed and cry all day. Heck, I still have days where I sit in my bed and cry. A good cry never hurt anyone. And I know that my emotions are going to be hard for others to understand. But, owning those emotions, and feeling them, rather than masking them or pushing them deeper, is what is going to help me meet this disease head on. I don't know why the chemical levels in my brain are lower than they should be. I don't know why I can't just talk myself out of certain feelings that I have. What I do know is that just because I have depression, I'm not any less of a person, nor do I deserve any less respect. I also know that being open and honest about my depression has made some of my friendships stronger. My best friend now understands why sometimes, I'm just not up to doing anything. She understands that I might call her crying and not have a reason. She also knows that I might experience emotions that make no sense to her. But she's learned to love me through all of that.

My husband has learned that he can't solve all my problems. That there are going to emotions and situations that I encounter that I simply can't ignore. He's learned to respect me and love me through all of the situations I encounter and has become a shoulder to cry on and a hand to hold.

My family has learned to listen when I try to express myself. They've learned that depression isn't taboo and that it's a real disease that needs medication, in some cases.

Most importantly, I've learned that taking medication for clinical depression is helping me to live the life I want to live. I encourage you, blog world, to not shy away from your friends who might suffer from the same symptoms as me. You may not understand it, but you still owe them your respect and compassion. You never know what kind of battle they have going on internally and it's your place to just be there. You never know, by being there, you might help them understand their situation better and help them grow through the pressure.

-But long before, having hurt,
I'd send the pain below,
I'd send the pain below.

Much like suffocating,
Much like suffocating,
Much like suffocating,
(I'd send the pain below...)
Much like suffocating,
(I'd send the pain below...)-
-Chevelle

Legacy? Uhh...

If you died today, would you have a legacy to leave that you were proud of? Would you feel as though you'd accomplished what you were sent here to accomplish? Would you say you were proud of the life you led?

Tough questions, right?

I don't know if I necessarily think that everyone leaves behind a legacy. If you read some of my other posts, my legacy might be that of a crazy person. Or, of a funny, caring person. At least that's what I would hope people would say about me. Would I feel as though I accomplished everything I was supposed to? I don't know. I've always said that I have a desire to help people. It's part of the reason why I majored in Emergency Administration and Planning. But have I helped people this far? I don't know. Sure, I've made donations here and there or given food to a homeless person. But did my donation save their life? Did that sandwich do something to change the homeless person's situation? Probably not. Am I proud of the life I've led, thus far? I would say that I am. For the most part, I try to treat people they way that I like being treated. I've tried to show compassion to those who deserved it. I've tried to be the shoulder to cry on, the one to defend you when needed. I've tried to be the best friend, sibling, and family member that I know how to be, but has it been enough?Hard to say.

But what would I change?

For starters, I'd probably go back a few years and change the relationship I have with my sister. Instead of being someone that she can't get along with, I'd be more of the sister that I wanted in my own life and listen to her more to be the kind of sister that she wanted too. I'd probably take back a lot of hurtful comments and actions. I'd do more to help others. Sure, donations and things along those lines go far, but sometimes, just sitting and listening goes far too. I think I would have gotten involved in speaking up about things that have affected me in my life sooner. I often think that I'm going to get involved now, but it's hard to talk about some of the things we experience in life, isn't it? I also think that if I could go back a few years, I'd spend more time with loved ones that have long left us. Not that they didn't know that I loved them and cared about them deeply, but I missed out on hearing so many stories and learning things about them that I could have. I'd also be a better friend. There have been instances in my life where I have no known the best response to different problems my friends are having. Instead of being there by their side, I've sometimes shut down and not known the best approach. I somehow missed the lesson that sometimes, all your friend needs is someone to sit with and to hold their hand.

So, what am I going to do?

I'm going to be more vocal about situations that I've gone through and how I managed to come out on the other side. I'm going to listen to my family members more when they talk to me and try to be the best person for them that I can be. I'm going to work on strengthening my friendships and relationships so that the people in my life know they can always call me for support. And I'm going to find projects that I can do and really help people.


Don't fear your mortality, because it is this very mortality that gives meaning and depth and poignancy to all the days that will be granted to you.
Paul Tsongas

URGH!

See, the problem with trying to "diet" and "eat healthy" is that often times, it's not what your body wants.
I mean, who really wakes up in the morning and says "Dang, I think I'll have some low fat granola without yogurt and in Almond Milk" NO ONE! Unless your'e a freak of nature, in which case, you can't quit reading now.

I don't know why sticking to the plan is so stinking hard. I do know however, that once you've tasted delicious things, it's hard to forget them and even harder to not crave them.

Anyone else out there feeling this?

Here are some of the things that tear me away:

Right, so you would think that this would be a good choice for me. You'd be wrong. Why? Because no matter what I get, it's either covered in Ranch or Creamy Italian. and always accompanied by some kind of chips. I love chips. So, Subway, you lose.

See my above reference for why these are on the list.

I love cupcakes. I love birthday cake. Sprinkles takes birthday cake and turns it into a gourmet cupcake. Sprinkles, you had me at hello.

If there is any question to why Cold Stone Creamery is on my list, you people are dumb. HELLO! They're ice cream is amazing. I believe we're looking at birthday cake remix. My all time favorite ice cream. It's just so...........delicious. I love it!

So, what kind of food demons haunt you?


Food is like sex:  when you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.  
~Beth McCollister

Irritation. Even the word irritation sounds like something that is bothersome. The word doesn't roll off your tongue like something sensual, or delicious, but rather it comes out hard and ugly. Irritation.

I go through phases in my life where I am everyone's #1 friend and then when I don't want to be anyone's friend. They're pretty drastic cycles, and often times, people think I'm mad at them or being overly sensitive by something they did because rather than hang out, I'd prefer to lay in bed and watch movies. I currently find myself in an irritation phase. It's not that anyone does anything wrong per se, it's more that they're lack of doing or they're lack of caring just pushes me to the point where I decide that I don't give a crap anymore and I too stop putting in effort. I'm sure this sounds childish to you, but it's the way my screwed up brain works. The cycle doesn't usually last too long and I can often times "snap myself out of it" but I'm getting to the point in my life where I'm not sure I should be the one that has to snap out of it. Why is it always me who has to suck it up and be the bigger person? Why can't some of my so called friends do that instead?

I love my friends, I really, truly do, but for once, I'd like to not have to be the bigger person and just keep on my merry way until they decide to take the next step. Maybe that's asking too much. Maybe they don't even know there's a step worth taking. Who knows?

I did get some quality time with a quality friend this weekend and it made me realize that she truly is one of my very best friends. I can not see her for a month and when I see her again we go right back to laughing and carrying on as if we've never spent a day apart. It made me realize that I need to tell her more often how much I care for her and how much I appreciate our friendship, that has survived so many trials. At least we seem to be on the upswing now and are enjoying the joy in life more than the pain.

Here's to being yourself with your friends.  If you can't be yourself with them, then they're probably not a real friend. And, here's to valuing old friends more and letting them know that while you may not see them often, you think of them often, and they're appreciated.


"he/she who angers you controls you."
-Anonymous

EEK! I almost forgot. I wanted to add these lyrics to the list of lyrics that have changed me/shaped me/made me who I am today.

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

-The Beatles, Let it Be. 

What's in a song?

I'm inspired by my friend Janet's post. So I'm going to give you some of my favorite lyrics.

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life, I'll love you more 
- The Beatles, In My Life

Celebrate we will
Because life is short but sweet for certain

- Dave Matthews Band, Two Step

Tell the Reaper Man
And the stars above
That you’re the one I love
You’re the one I love
The one I love 

-David Gray, The One I Love

I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you

I'd live and I'd die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what a love can do
I'll be there for you

- Bon Jovi, I'll Be There For You

 

Circus life under the big-top world
We all need the clowns to make us smile
Through space and time
Always another shore
Wonderin' where I am
Lost without you
And bein' apart ain't easy on this love affair
Two strangers learn to fall in love again
I get the joy of rediscoverin' you
Oh girl, you stand by me
I'm forever yours
-Faithfully

- Journey, Faithfully

So they're kind of mushy............but these are all that I can think of right now. If I think of more, I'll add them....anyway....always fun to get a glimpse inside my mind, right??!?!

Costa Rica Re-Cap

I think this will work best if I just give you a synopsis after the pics....So, look at them, enjoy them, then read comments.

1) Super creepy spider. I hate spiders and this one was the worst! I thought it was going to jump on me while I was trying to take its picture!
2) This is the volcano during the day. The clouds parted just as we got out to take its picture.
3) Do you see the stinging insect on the plant? Who's allergic to stingers?? Oh, me!
4) Yeah, so the rain forest is.....wet.
5) I loved this flower. I took like 9,000 pictures of it.
6) This spider was indoors and was right above my head and I didn't even know it.
7) This is the volcano at night. If you squint, you can see lava at the top.
8) this is the hubs in the rain forest....wet.
9) hummingbird! Look at that wing speed!
10) This plant ate insects.
11) This butterfly had spots on its wings that looked like owl eyes so that predators wouldn't eat her.
12) This flower was always pretty.
13) Two hummingbirds in the hummingbird garden. I love them!

I hope you enjoy your summer and get to go on a super cool vacation too!!!

Breathtaking....and RELAXING

those are the two words that I would use to describe my COSTA RICAN vacation!

We had an awesome time and while I want share all the steamy details, I will tell you that I will most definitely return to Costa Rica, and I did not want to come back.

Here are some highlights:

• It rained. A LOT. It's the rainy season. Who knew?
• There was an earthquake and I FELT IT!
• We saw a volcano have a mini-eruption. It was like the volcano burped or something. But all this smoke started coming out and we starting thinking that we probably need to run for our lives. We didn't have to. Because it was just a burp. 
• I'm pretty sure I got a concussion by hitting my head on a fiberglass water slide. All you really need to know is, apparently they don't have nice little bars for you to hold onto while you're walking into the water slide....and I busted my ass trying to sit down. Hubs said my eyes were all starry and I was definitely pale. 
• It rained. A LOT. It's the rainy season. Who knew?
• Our last day was absolutely perfect and the Hubs made me take a two hour nap at the pool because apparently I was WASTED. 

Can't wait to go back. Wishing I were leaving tomorrow.

And as soon as I get pics downloaded (and videos!) I'll put them up!