Irritation. Even the word irritation sounds like something that is bothersome. The word doesn't roll off your tongue like something sensual, or delicious, but rather it comes out hard and ugly. Irritation.

I go through phases in my life where I am everyone's #1 friend and then when I don't want to be anyone's friend. They're pretty drastic cycles, and often times, people think I'm mad at them or being overly sensitive by something they did because rather than hang out, I'd prefer to lay in bed and watch movies. I currently find myself in an irritation phase. It's not that anyone does anything wrong per se, it's more that they're lack of doing or they're lack of caring just pushes me to the point where I decide that I don't give a crap anymore and I too stop putting in effort. I'm sure this sounds childish to you, but it's the way my screwed up brain works. The cycle doesn't usually last too long and I can often times "snap myself out of it" but I'm getting to the point in my life where I'm not sure I should be the one that has to snap out of it. Why is it always me who has to suck it up and be the bigger person? Why can't some of my so called friends do that instead?

I love my friends, I really, truly do, but for once, I'd like to not have to be the bigger person and just keep on my merry way until they decide to take the next step. Maybe that's asking too much. Maybe they don't even know there's a step worth taking. Who knows?

I did get some quality time with a quality friend this weekend and it made me realize that she truly is one of my very best friends. I can not see her for a month and when I see her again we go right back to laughing and carrying on as if we've never spent a day apart. It made me realize that I need to tell her more often how much I care for her and how much I appreciate our friendship, that has survived so many trials. At least we seem to be on the upswing now and are enjoying the joy in life more than the pain.

Here's to being yourself with your friends.  If you can't be yourself with them, then they're probably not a real friend. And, here's to valuing old friends more and letting them know that while you may not see them often, you think of them often, and they're appreciated.


"he/she who angers you controls you."
-Anonymous

EEK! I almost forgot. I wanted to add these lyrics to the list of lyrics that have changed me/shaped me/made me who I am today.

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

-The Beatles, Let it Be.