They certainly don't prepare you for years like this...

I keep thinking back on all the classes I've taken in my life, all of the studying I've done, and all of the things I've crammed into my brain. And of all that, none of it is meant to help you deal with the loss of someone you love. None of it. There are no prep courses for it, there are no courses to take afterwards to learn how to deal. Sure, you can talk to a therapist or someone close to you, but it's not the same. It's healing in a different way. In the end, it's still you who has to put in the work and you who has to learn to grieve in your own way. It's unfair. It's totally unfair. And we're just stuck. Floating through life and having to experience these incredibly painful events so we can learn and grow and find our way out of the grief and back to the normalcy.

I read a story today about a young couple who met in college. After settling down together and making a life for themselves, they found out that one of them had a very rare form of cancer. You can read about most of it here.  But the jist of it is this...at 25, she lost the one person she loved more than anything in this world to a cancer that couldn't be defeated. The salt in the wound? He died six weeks after they got married. When I read the story and watched the videos that are attached, my heart sank. 6 weeks. 6 weeks of wedded bliss and part of that was spent in the hospital, with her husband's organs shutting down one by one.

It's hard to lose those we love who are in their 60s and 70s. Even in their 50s. But to lose your husband at 25? Unimaginable. I respect her and commend her for her bravery and courage to go through such a difficult time with a positive outlook and beautiful smile. And I pray that she finds happiness again.

Life is so incredibly short. It can literally fade from you in an instant. Whether it's a battle or something that comes naturally while you sleep, it only takes a matter of seconds for you to depart this world. I think I take that for granted on most days. I float through life with a nonchalant attitude and think that I'll be here tomorrow and the next day and for the next 25 years. But the truth is, I may not. And that's hard to swallow. Even more so when I think that my husband may not be here for the next 25 years. The remedy? I'm not sure. I could say something cliche like 'live life to the fullest' but what does that even mean? Instead, I'm going to live my life the way I think I should. And if that means spending all my money on things I want instead of days I may not see, so be it. If it means calling my husband 12 times a day just to hear his voice, so be it. Each of us has to find our own happiness and our own way to live our lives.

“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.” 
- Mark Twain

Funny how 7 months can change your life...

Jim and Frank in one of my favorite pictures.

Yesterday,. without any warning at all, we lost another dear friend, Frank. Frank was Jim's best friend and to say that they were two peas in a pod is an understatement. They were DESTINED to be friends. It was shocking enough to lose Jim, but then to turn around and lose Frank a mere 7 months later is devastating.

I have no words to describe the hole in my heart that these two amazing men have left. But I know that if I grow up to be even just a little bit like them, I'm a better person for it.

Farewell my loves. I'll see you again.

For Frank:


For Jim: YMCA

And for both of my loves, gone too early.


And for me....because I love them so.


"some are dead and some are living....in my life.....I've loved them all.."

Music......and RIP Levon Helm

I've said it about 4,000 times, but music is an important part of my life. It can lift me up when I'm feeling bad, or soothe my soul when I'm in despair. It's something I treasure dearly and I am proud that I'm not specific to one genre when I listen to music.

Levon Helm, age 71, passed away this week. And this is one of the songs I love that features him on drums and as a singer. Enjoy.



"He was my bosom buddy friend to the end, one of the last true great spirits of my or any other generation. This is just so sad to talk about. I still can remember the first day I met him and the last day I saw him. We go back pretty far and had been through some trials together. I’m going to miss him, as I’m sure a whole lot of others will too.”
-Bob Dylan

Jetpacks and fat kids...

So I found this picture a while back and it's kind of been haunting me. It's obviously meant for the future when we can in fact use jetpacks to fly around, but you get the point.

 

Here's why it's haunting me....I'm obviously not happy with myself right now. And in the grand scheme of things, babies probably aren't that far off for the hubster and I and it's started to get me kind of worried. I mean, obviously I'm not going to lose the amount of weight that I want to before I get pregnant. So now, on top of already being chubby, I'm going to be pregnant too. Which, is fine because I want to start a family, but sucks at the same time because it's going to make it that much harder to lose the weight post baby. Not everyone can be a rock star like my friend vanweezy (which is a compliment!) 

So if I can't learn to keep myself under control, how the hell am I going to keep my babies under control?! Oh life, why do you have to be so incredibly difficult? Luckily, I've got some amazing moms around me who seem to be keeping their babies well fed and not so chubby they couldn't have a jetpack. I plan on leaning on you a lot vanweezy and doccrocker! 

The diet is going okay, but some days, are just bad. I just want to eat carbs and sugar and pig out hard core! If I could dwindle down those days and have more cucumber and fruit days, my life would be a lot better, I know!

Here's the a healthier diet, more exercise and skinny  babies! 

"Strive for progress, not perfection"

 

My life as a jukebox

I've said it before and I'll say it again....I live my life with a string of songs constantly playing in my head. It's like my life has it's own score that is constantly playing in the background. Sometimes it gets pretty sappy....like today.

I was thinking about how much I love my husband and how important he is to me and this song was triggered in my brain. It is awesome 1) because it purely is awesome 2) because the lyrics are amazing, and 3) because I love the Everly Brothers.

I hope that everyone has songs that play in their mind from time to time and that each person has a song that reminds them of someone they love.



"So never leave me lonely, tell me you love me only....and that you'll always....let it be me"

Whoa....

This whole updating at home thing is not as easy as it sounds. Talk about demanding! Just kidding, obviously since I haven't been posting.

Working out is a struggle. Like how I didn't even sugar coat that...just jumped right in with my opinion? some weeks I feel awesome and I think I'm a total rock star and then other weeks I don't want to do anything. It sucks.

My sweet pea niece is growing so fast it's insane. I know that babies grow fast, but seeing her every week really makes it even more evident.

Work is good, life is good. This was just a quickie update to say what's up and I'll try to get better at posting.

hope things are well in your world as well!

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” 
-Oscar Wilde