The meaning of life...

It's been a really tough week for my church family. We lost a beloved member last Sunday and then two more this Monday. It's hard because you grow these relationships over the course of your life and the people you share your time with every week really do become like family. And then, just as with everyone, their time on this earth ends and you're left grieving.

I saw a sign on the way to work today that said "Life is a one time offer; treat it well" and it made thing "Dang, that's so true." You only get one shot at this life. And then that made me start thinking about what kind of stamp I'm leaving on the world. Will people remember me the way I want them to? Or will the remember me as a mean person who didn't like anyone?

Throughout the course of my adult life, I've tried to do charitable things and give to those who are less fortunate than I am. But I also try not to boast about it because that seems pointless. But it makes you wonder if the things you do are noticed by anyone at all. And if they're not, does that really matter?

I don't know what all the answers to life are, but I figure even if nothing I do in this world is ever noticed or is always taken for granted, that's okay because at the end of the day, maybe something I did will change someone's life.

My friend Janet once introduced me to this quote a few years ago, and it makes my heart happy and has been a sort of mantra for me ever since. I hope you see the value of it and try to live your life the way you should -- or the way you feel you should.

"the true meaning of life is to plant trees, under whose shade you do not expect to sit"
- nelson Henderson

Welcome to Migraine City, I'm your Mayor

Wow. Long time, huh? I guess the most recent and probably ONLY thing that has really been going on with me lately is a bunch of migraines. And by bunch, I mean like 1 a day. Which is insane. In the big scheme of things, I should get about 2 a month. Not 30.

Two weeks ago, I had a migraine for 6 days. 6 days. That's almost a whole week, ladies and gents. I ended up going to the ER that week to get a shot to try and break the cycle. It helped, but mostly for that day and the next. I had a few headaches after that, and have basically had a headache every day since.

Here are a few answers to your most obvious questions:

1. Is it a brain tumor?
1. No. Not that they can tell. Nothing shows up on the CT scan
2. Is there something wrong with your sinuses?
1. Nope. Not since the tonsillectomy is there something wrong with those.
3. Are you sure they're migraines?
1. Yep. Once you have one, you'll know. And once the only thing that works is stabbing a needle pen into your leg, you'll know they're migraines.
4. What are you doing to help?
1. Well, for starters, I recruited the help of a new neurologist who happens to specialize in headaches.
1. She's given me a preventative medication which seems to be helping most of the time. Except that whole week that I now refer to as "migraine-gate."  However, with her help, I've gotten to part 2 of this equation which is..
2. I've recruited the help of a pain management doctor.
1. He gives me steroid shots and nerve blocks in the back of my head and neck to help break up some of the tension. The first time I had them done, it worked like a charm, until I got that first migraine (that led into the 6 day migraine-gate).
2. The second time he did the injections, he put me to sleep and used XRay guidance to get more to the heart of the nerve. The first day was poop and the second day was worst. Today is the 3rd day and I feel good. I think the steroids are starting to absorb into my body and alleviate the tension/pain. Could partly be because it's Friday. We will see.

So, those are the obvious questions. The less obvious questions are is there something wrong with your nerves or your arteries leading to/from your brain? Don't know yet. Haven't had a chance to ask the neurologist that. I do know that according to the FDA's standards, I qualify for Botox injections. But, given the fact that I haven't had a child yet (and desperately want to) she's not comfortable giving me the Botox until we settle on that. So, I'm taking these last few months of the year to fully exhaust all resources (since I've met my deductible and all) and am trying anything and everything in hopes that I'll find the cure to the migraines. If it was just migraines, or just headaches, I think it'd be easier to deal with. It's the combination of a headache one day and then a migraine the next that is throwing me off the most. Here's hoping that the next few months will lead to the promise land of the brain and we'll get it all figured out.

Anyway, that's why I've been absent from the blogosphere and have had nothing interesting to contribute.

For shits and giggles, here's a picture of a brain.

 

until next time blogospehere, until next time.

 



Political Bunkum

 

I really try to not let my Facebook feed get too political. I try. Sometimes though, I'm just so darn aggravated by something one of the parties did, that I comment. I'll admit, it's typically something the Conservatives did that pisses me off, but there have been plenty of times that the Dems have pissed me off too. I've even admitted on more than one occassion that I'm disappointed in Obama. WHAT? I know, right? Honesty. It's killer.

Yesterday, I was more than irritated that Governor Perry called a special session after the 10 hour filibuster that stopped new abortion legislation from going through. Why did the filibuster stop it? Because let's be honest, the law that is on the table is crap. I know it probably has some merit and maybe even some good points in it, but what it's ultimately going to do is force women to have abortions in places that they shouldn't. So, yeah, I'm against it.

But that's not what this is about. This is about political arguments. Why is it that instead of having healthy debates with each other, we so often get our feelings involved and stoop to insults? Are we really so dense that we can't think of something intelligent to say insted? I know that politics is very heated partly because you are talking about people's feelings. The issues are important and the emotions run high. But, that doesn't give us the right to say someone needs to see a shrink or someone else is a dick. What happened to good old respect for the person you were talking to, whether you know them or not?

It aggravates me because as long as we can't talk to each other, how do we expect our elected officials to be able to do so? If anything, they're more passionate about what the issues we're facing and have more emotions on the table (hopefully). I know that I get angry when people continue to argue and argue and argue and I feel like they don't have anything to back up what they're saying (i.e. Obama should be impeached), but at the same time, maybe, if I can keep my tone neutral and remain calm, we can both learn something from each other. Maybe, if we can act like adults, we can start figuring out problems together instead of pinning ourselves against each other. It's probably a lofty dream, but I for one am going to start working towards it.

“Loyalty to country ALWAYS. Loyalty to government, when it deserves it.” 
- Mark Twain

You don't always get what you want.....

Bleh. The past few months have been "BLEH." I feel like my body is falling apart on me and yet, I'm still here. My migraines have been super intense over the past few months and a lot more frequent. I finally went to the doctor today (mostly because almost all of my prescriptions are out) and he agrees that it's time to see the neurologist again. Here's the thing though -- he's going to say: "You're genetically predisposed to headaches and migraines." And I'm going to say, "Yeah, I know." For as long as I can remember, there have been headaches in my life. Ranging from mild to severe, they're one of the constants that I can always count on. I know, how lovely. I just don't think another trip to the neurologist is going to miracuoulsy fix it.

On top of that, I've been pretty down in the dumps. I know, surprising, right? *sarcasm*. I'm just in a big funk and I haven't found my way out yet. Which, if you were wondering, explains the lack of blogging. There's just nothing worth saying these days.

Anyway, I'm alive. I'm here. My head is hurting, but I'll survive it all somehow. Life goes on, right?

Hope the summer is exciting and fun for you guys! xoxo

Oi Vay!!!

I seriously don't know how people with massive amounts of friends do it!!! It's so hard to balance everyone in your life and give each one the same amount of attention!

I guess having that many friends is an amazing blessing, but I just feel so inadequate sometimes. Like I'm being a less than good friend because I can't see everyone every weekend or even call everyone on a regular basis. Makes me giggle a little though because this has to be the epitome of first world problems...I've got too many friends to see in one week! Geez. I sound like a doober.

The point is though, even if I don't see you every day, I don't talk to you every day, or even every week, you're in my thoughts and I love you. And above all else, I'm thankful to have you in my life and feel incredibly blessed that you are.

Cheers to friendship!

Just a little update on life and some musings on friendship

To say that my personal life is crazy busy right now is an understatement. And yes, I realize that those of you with kids are rolling your eyes hard right now. It's okay. I'm willing to admit that I probably don't understand busy just quite yet. And hey, maybe I never will. But that's a post for another time. Mostly when there are more cards on the table and more understanding for me and the hubs.

Anywho-- Hubs got a new job. Which, by the grace of God, and one A M A Z I N G friend, has been AWESOME! I actually get to see my husband, and spend time with him on the weekends! Who knew that was even possible?! We are so happy with the new situation. You really don't realize how much you miss each other when you're just used to not spending as much time as other couples together. It has been so much fun spending more time with my best friend!

It's funny how when you're younger, people tell you that you'll outgrow your friends and find new friends and it'll be okay. You're all "yeah, whatever, we're going to be friends forever!" Ha, just not true. Of course, some friends have survived childhood with me and I call them family. But those are a different kind of friends. The ones you see when they're in town and go to their weddings, etc, but not the kind that you burden with your every day drama and bullshit. (Face it, some of it is bullshit!). Then there are high school friends. Luckily for me, my two best high school friends are still very near and dear to my heart. I see them often, not as much I would like, but enough to remember what their faces look like, and I'm even playing softball once a week with one of them. Which, if our first game was any indication, is going to be amazing. These are the ones that you can not see for a few weeks, meet up, and remember exactly why they are your best friends. There's probably been some stupidity in your friendship that you might have had to get over, but it's cool, because in the end, your friendship was worth saving. Then, there are college friends. I have to say that I'm not the best at keeping in touch with college friends. Of course you guys (my loyal 5) know about Janet and Colleen and that we still keep in touch. It's funny because in college, we weren't that great of friends. But I'd take a bullet for them (hopefully in the leg or something) and I know that if I needed them, they'd be there in a heart beat.

And then, there's this whole new realm of friends that the hubs and I are finding....adult friendships. Most of these have come about from being members at our church, luckily, the one where I grew up, but some of them are from work and other places. It's been so much fun participating in these relationships and watching them grow and blossom. It's funny why you're drawn to people and then even funnier to find out what you have in common that you never imagined you would. We have certainly grown our adult friendship group exponentially in the past few months and it's been amazing! (I like amazing today, okay?)

And then, there's this unique friendship that I know some people have had for a long time, but for me, it's a newer thing....the friendship of your sibling(s). I'm not sure what changed over the past 2 years or so, but something did and it's been a blessing. I am proud to count my sister as one of my best friends. I think a lot of it was me. I'm not going to lie. I've grown and let go of stupid things that never mattered in the first place. But I've also gained some wisdom. I think I understand things that happened between us better now than I ever did before. And I understand that for most of my life, she's been doing what every good big sister does, she's been protecting me. I was just too dumb or self involved to see it. Whatever changed, me, her, us, I'm glad it did, because I treasure our time together. And I can say that knowing that I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

So, today, on this rainy Saturday in Dallas, I'm toasting to friends. Friends of all kinds. Old friends, new friends, sibling friends. I know that my life is made richer by the ones that are in my circle of trust and I am thankful every day for the people in my life that I can call friend. I only hope that they feel the same. And most of all, cheers to my best friend. My husband, my partner, my confidant, and most of the time, my shrink. Wouldn't make it through a day without him by my side.

"Friendship isn't about whom you have known the longest... It's about who came, and never left your side... "
-Unknown (as far as I can tell)

The times, they are-a changing!!!

I am so excited to write this post that I don't even know where to begin!!! Let me start by saying, NO, I'm not pregnant. But I am probably just as excited as if I were pregnant. (Maybe).

The hubs has landed a new gig and will no longer be working RETAIL!!!!! WAHOO TOUCHDOWN DANCE TOUCHDOWN DANCE TOUCHDOWN DANCE!!

As some of you may know, the hubs and I are going on our 12th year of knowing each other/dating each other/being together and in ALL THAT TIME he has worked RETAIL! Don't get me wrong, for the better part of 11 years, the money has been good for him and it's been a good gig. But, as our lives have started changing, as we've really settled into our marriage and has goals have become different than what they were 11 years ago. Mainly, the hubs REALLY REALLY REALLY wants to go to nursing school. Not so easy when you work crazy hours, every holiday, every weekend, and all hours of the day.

BUT by the grace of God and through an amazing friend, he's found a new gig that will allow him to pursue other options and even nursing school!

My only fear is that we get tired of seeing each other so much! Ha ha. But, it's probably not possible since I was lucky enough to marry my best fried.

So cheers to the HUBS!!!! TOUCHDOWN DANCE! TOUCHDOWN DANCE!!

And cheers to our friend, Lady GC (name ommitted because she's a super freak about the internet and what's posted about her!)

Here's to a super fun, although challenging (see previous post) 2013 with lots of more time spent with my best friend!!!!!

"If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really living."
Gail Sheehy

Holy Blog Post Batman!

Blogger tells me it's been 95 days since my last confession post. Not sure if that's the longest I've ever gone, or not. Things have been C R A Z Y these past few months. I could break it all down for you, but it'd be super boring, and you probably wouldn't care. I will however, hit the highlights. Or rather, give you a HIGH and a LOW. Seems fair.

HIGH - Got promoted at work!!! I'm officially a supervisor and have employees that report to me and everything! Coolest part? Office. Worst part - holy crap there is still so much work to do! There was just as much work before I think, it's just now, there is an added bonus of getting more money to do them. All in all, work is going really well. I like my employees and my new boss (not sure I covered that here or not, might be better suited for another day). With the new job, the hubs has decided to start looking for a new position as well. He's decided that the money doesn't outweigh the stress anymore and he's ready to do something a little more mindless for a little less pay so that he can focus on school and getting his nursing degree. I'm super proud of him for making the choice finally, even though it means we might not do as much fun stuff in the future.

LOW - got diagnosed with PCOS. Basically, my hormones are whack and because they are whack, I'm not producing mature eggs. Not the most exciting news that could have been given to me on any given day. But, the good news is, there are treatments for PCOS although there is no cure. AND, even though the internet makes it seem pretty grim, there are options for getting pregnant. And that's what is most important to me right now.....getting pregnant.

Shouldn't come as a surprise to my real-life readers, we've been talking off and on for a year and a half or so about getting pregnant. The problem is, it just wasn't happening. The experts all agree that a year and a half of unprotected sex should yield a spawn. And if it doesn't, something could be wrong.

In case you came to this blog post by searching PCOS, let me fill you in on how I was diagnosed:

1. My period was whack. It would show up on time some months, some months it was severely late, and some months, it didn't show up at all.
2. We'd been trying to get pregnant for several months, but essentially, had been birth control free for a year and a half.
3. Sevreal talks with my doctor about these two items led her to do a panel of blood work that confirmed PCOS.
1. There are sevreal hormones that they test for this. In my case, my testosterone was mildly elevated and my insulin was OFF THE CHARTS.

First course of action for me, since my insulin was so insanely high is to try Metformin. This should help regulate my insulin levels, which in theory, should lead to regular ovulation and BAM! BABY! I've got to build up the medication in my system though, so we're probably still a few weeks out from BAM! BABY! but there's a plan and that's what matters.

There are other exciting things going on in my life that I'll probably cover in the next few weeks. Gotta keep something out there to keep you coming back, right?

But bottom line, if you feel like you're not having the luck you wanted when trying to get pregnant, I encourage you to talk to your doctor. Maybe it's something they can fix! Sure, it might be harder than fixing PCOS, but it could still be fixable. You never know if you don't ask, right?

So go forth and reproduce! And if you run across other problems, you should sure Janet's blog and Colleen's blog, because we are the 2%!

Forgiveness

I just really love trees so I added this pic for flair!

Holy busy-ness Batman! My life is a freaking roller coaster ride that is spiraling down the track at about 120 MPH. I feel like I need to vomit! That being said, I'm alive. Work has been particuarly insane these past few months. My sis in law asked me the other day if I abandonned my blog. Heck no! I've just had trouble finding time to breathe let alone think about a blog post! Anyway, there is one thing that has been weighing heavy on my heart and mind lately.....FORGIVENESS.

It's such a simple word. Forgive. To forgive. To be forgiven. Here's the dictionary.com version of that word for ya:

for·give

   fərˈgɪv/ Show S

1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.

2. to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).

3. to grant pardon to (a person).

4. to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.

5. to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.

 

Small word, big meaning. Often times in our lives, things come up. People do things that we don't like. That we don't appreciate. But it's the bigger person who can look within themselves and say "hey, this person is my friend. Maybe they need my forgiveness now more than ever?"

And don't even get me started on forgiveness in marriage! I once heard that forgiveness is the greatst gift that you can give to your marriage. Why? Becuase there are going to be times when he just doesn't get it girls. He doesn't understand that your emotions are literally at their highest level of crazy and that telling you he doesn't like the salad dressing you bought this month is the one thing that is going to set you off. God forbid he even mention the way you look today. (unless it's of course a comparison to a Greek Goddess...In that case, I'm always willing to listen!).

 

My point with all this rambling is that I think learning to forgive and to ask for forgiveness when you've done a wrong is one of the big parts about becoming an adult and really growing into yourself. Sure we say "I'm sorry" when we're younger and our parents make us apologize to a sibling for ripping the heads of their Barbie, but I don't think we really understand what we're saying. Or maybe it's that in the big scheme of things, tifts like that are so small that we don't grasp the relevance of the situation.

 

I know that these past few months I've been holding a grudge or two against people who probably just need me to let it go and forgive them. Some of them don't even know that I've been quietly judging them and creating a tally in my head for the wrongs they've committed. It's my choice to become a better person. To no longer sit back and judge when I'm not sure how I would react in the same situation. It's also my choice to forgive them for not behaving in a manner that I expected they should. Forgiveness is key. Forgiveness is the greatest gift we can give to a relationship.

 

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” 

― Mahatma Gandhi, All Men are Brothers: Autobiographical Reflections

Hardships of growing up

I know, my blog has been rather down in the dumps, but I think this one might end on a better note.

Tomorrow marks the 1 year anniversary of Jim's passing. One year. One whole year. It's absolutely unbelievable.

I've never been as heart broken as I was the day that my sister lost my nephew.  But, this past year has come very close to inflicting the same amount of pain.

There have been days where I thought my heart literally was going to break. That it couldn't possibly handle any more bad news, or loss. That there had to be a point in life where the hurt just ceased. Unfortuately, the pain didn't stop just because I wanted it to. Fortunately, I made it through. There were days of endless tears. Moments where I literally couldn't control my emotions. And then there were days where the memories brought tears of joy and happiness. Days when I felt like Jim's life meant something, not just to me, but to dozens of other people.

I still can't believe that there will be moments in my life that I won't be able to share with him. Namely, when the husband and I finally become parents. Jim was an amazing man and one of his many gifts was teaching children. I know that he changed my life by being a teacher in mine. And I've watched him change the lives of others. Knowing that my niece, my children, won't have the sme guidance and nurturing as I did from a man I adored, is hard. It makes me sad. I can only pray that there is someone else down the road who is just as talented as he was and can provide the same type of guidance. That's the miracle of life, right? There is usually more than one person who is gifted at a certain skill.

My heart hurts over the many, many things that Jim won't be here for. Milestones with his granddaughter, with his children, a million things that we often take for granted without even thinking twice. My heart hurts that every month I feel like my memories are fading a little bit more. It's as if they're still there, but not as crisp as they were a year ago. I can't hear his voice anymore, but I can still feel his love.

But, this year has taught me so many things that it's hard to chop it up as a total waste. I've learned the utter importance of your chosen family. My blood family is amazing and I lean on them for support constantly. They have seen me through a number of obstacles in my life. But, my chosen family, the family that I've built for myself, has seen me through the worst of this year. And I know that part of it is because we've gone through it together. We've felt the pain together, shared his memory together, loved together. And honestly, I can say that I'm closer to them now than I have been in my entire life. Even though they've been in my life for 20+ years and I grew up with their guidance.

While I continue to miss Jim every single day, I'm grateful that my chosen family has become closer. It sucks that often times it takes a death to help you realize how important they are to you, but sometimes life's lessons come with a hefty price. And thankfully, I believe that Jim is watching over me still even though I can't go in for one of his hugs, or hear him tell me he loves me.  That's the beauty of faith, I suppose. Having the hope that somewhere out there, the ones we love are still close by.

This year was hard. I've felt more heartbroken than most years, but I've also felt more loved than any other year in my life. Life is so incredibly precious. Please, don't take it for granted. Love the ones you love. Love them big!

"The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost."
- G. K. Chesterton

Life isn't always sunshine and daisies..

I like to think that the majority of the time, I'm pretty positive and upbeat. But, my life isn't always sunshine and daisies. There are hardships that I simply don't know how to deal with. Sure, I deal with them the best I can, I reach out to my friends, my family and hope that someone has the right encouraging words to keep me going for another day, hour, minute. But sometimes, things feel heavy. Like the weight of the world is bearing down on my shoulders.

These past few weeks have been like that. On the upside, I switched positions at work, in the same department (woo!) and it's been really fun to learn something new. Thankfully, my boss is super cool and is patient with me as I figure out things. Unfortunately, this time of year is hard for me. My grandfather died in August. Preston died in August. Jim died in September. It hasn't yet been a year since Jim passed, but it's been a year since we put him in the hospital. Since we intubated him. Since we celebrated his 44 year wedding anniversary in the hospital. August/September are hard for me. Will they always be? I don't know. Are they this year?  You bet.

Adding to the mix is the realization that one of my favorite co-workers is dealing with a brain tumor that is more than likely being cause by a viscious form of cancer. I've visited a few times to try and cheer him up, but his spirits are deflated. As anyone's would be while spending all of your time in a hospital room/rehab center room. I'm worried about him. I'm worried about his family. I'm worried that they too will know the pain that losing a loved one can bring.

I'm worried. I'm worried about work. I'm worried about Jim's family. I'm worried about my friend's family. I'm just worried. I've been trying really hard to pinpoint my feelings and work with them, but it seems to boil down to worry. I'm worried.

My dear friends lost their Oma a few months back. This past weekend, they had the memorial service for her. I depserately wanted to be there but simply didn't have the time. One of my friends made a very touching video for her. And featured the song below. I'd heard the song before, but I'd never heard it sung by a female. I've been listening to it on repeat. Thinking about the ones I've lost. Treasuring the memories that flash through my memory from time to time and praying that my other friend doesn't get added to this loop of ones I've lost.

Maybe you're dealing with something too. Maybe this song will touch your heart too. To my friend, all I can say, is thank you. Thank you for re-introducing me to a wonderful song.

Couldn't get the embedding to work, so do me a favor and click the link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rweQlz1TQYg

"If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less..keep me in your heart for a while"
- Warren Zevon

Spontaneous, much?

Sorry I've been MIA. I really don't have anything interesting to share with the world these days. My life has become very, very mundane. And completely bogged down with every day stuff that isn't very exciting. Some day my life will change and I'll cute little baby pics to share with everyone (unless I adopt a toddler from Africa) but that day hasn't come yet, so I continue to be boring and have nothing noteworthy to share.

But here is what 's going on in my life. Hubs was out of town for two weeks. First week I got really bored, but I decided to sit on the couch instead of doing anything of interest. Second week., he was actually gone for the entire week so I got a wild hair that I should paint the trim in my guest bathroom. No biggie right? Wrong. While the trim wasn't hard work, it also meant that I couldn't just leave the wallpaper in there. I mean, it's from the 70s for pete's sake. That cannot stand! So, I ended up priming over the wallpaper. Now, there are several schools of thought on whether to paint over wallpaper or take it down. After a horrible take down process in my master bath (and walls that I'm not happy with), I decided to paint over it. I wish I had thought about writing this blog post before because I totally would have taken more pictures. You'll just have to visualize in your brains. Be creative! You can do it!

So, it took three coats of Kilz to cover up the wallpaper. And what does it look like now? White walls with painters tape blocking off the trim and other important parts of the wall/fixtures. Why? Because the hubs and I haven't found time to get to the store to pick out a color that we both like. Yeah, I know. Next time I feel like being spontaneous, I should probably schedule some time with my husband to evaluate the reasonableness of my idea and to figure out what freaking color we're going to paint the bathroom. He wants something modern, I want a light green. Seems modern to me?

So, the next few days I plan to go through several House Beautiful magazines that I have and hopefully coming to a consensus on what is both modern and green. :)

Happy house owning you guys. Maybe be less spontaneous than me and plan it out just a little bit.

OH! And I have until August 18 to get my house cleaned, finish this bathroom, and hopefully fix the master bathroom. Plenty of time, right?

Only in spontaneity can we be who we truly are. John McLaughlin

4th of July Memories

This fourth of July is going to be tough. Part of the reason why it's going to be tough is becasue last 4th of July was the last time my whole "family" was together. Jim was still with us, and so was Frank. It was happy and fun and we had a great time together. None of us knew that in 2 short months we'd be without Jim and in 9 months we'd be without Frank. That's the thing about the future, it doesn't ever reveal it's plans to you. Instead, things just happen.

We all got together on Memorial Day, but it was a little bit easier. Memorial Day wasn't the last time we were all together. The fourth of July was. I'm both looking forward to Wednesday and dreading it. I can't wait to spend time with my family and I know that despite the pain we'll inevitably be feeling, we'll be happy because we're together.

My friend lost her grandmother this weekend. And when I texted her my condolensces, she said "I have so many memories from her and Opa." And this struck me because at a time when when she could have said something, anything different, she managed to highlight the part that makes grief a little bit easier. The fact that we were lucky enough to make memories and to cherish those memories when our loved ones are gone.

So, yes, this holiday will be hard. And Labor Day will be even harder. But, instead of being sad that my family is no longer with me, I'm going to think about all the great memories we had together and all the 4th of Julys we spent together making those memories.

Happy 4th. And as always, remember that our freedom isn't free and there are men and women sacrificing their lives so we can sit back and bbq.

July 4, 2011.

Not too much happening

I know that I've been kind of nonexistient lately. I apologize for that. There just hasn't really been anything interesting going on in my life and I hate to bore you with non-interesting facts!

There have been a few lows and highs over the past few weeks though.
Low - Bailey got sick. And those of you who have had fur babies before actual babies, or only have fur babies know how incredibly heartbreaking it is for your fur baby to be sick. I ended up staying home with her all day and she slept. She mostly slept on top of this chair that is kind of a catch all (so forgive the random items in the picture) but the good news is, she seems to be back to her normal self.

In other news, specifically in fun, exciting news, this little sweetpea turned six months old!! SIX MONTHS! I thinks he weighs about 14 pounds now, which is a lot when you come in at 4.4!

She went to the aquarium with the grandparents on her 6 month birthday. My sis is going to throw year and half year birthdays for her since she's a Christmas baby to make her feel special. :)

So, there's a sort of update for you! Hope you're all suriving this hotter than hell summer!

BIRTHDAY! BIRTHDAY! BIRTHDAY!!!

Soooo yesterday was my birthday. And I have to admit, when the day started, I was NOT excited at all. Not that I'm ever overly excited about my birthday, but I thought I'd be a little bit more excited than I was. It could have been the fact that we still had to drive from Little Rock, AR to Texas or that turning 28 isn't all that exciting. It's hard to tell. But, as the day went on, and the Facebook messages poured in and the text messages continued to come, I started to get more excited. By last night, I was feeling pretty good about another year.

I didn't really do anything too exciting. I was really craving steak, so my grandma took me and the hubs to Texas Roadhouse. It's close by, and relatively cheap for a decent steak. I certainly wasn't complaining. Today at work the crew took me to Babe's (their smoked chicken is TO DIE FOR). And we had cake. Yum cake!

The hubs took me shopping last night and bought me the new Kindle Fire........I'm super excited because I have loved the crap out of my Kindle so I naturally thought that I would love the newest edition. And I have to say, I kind of do. I only played with it for a little bit (tired and all) but it rocks so far!

I also went totally crazy and got my ears double pierced. Totally insane, I know! :)

So here's to another 28 years and another fun year!!!

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years"
-Abraham Lincoln

So far, 28 years have been amazing.

My birthday is coming up, in June, and as I sat thinking about it this morning, I realized that with the 28th year of my life, comes the 11th year of having my husband in my life. 11 years. Insane. I don't remember when we officially met the first time....he was critiquing my swim stroke, I know that, but I do know that I was out of town for a while and when I came back, I saw him again on my birthday. June 11. I met some friends at the local YMCA to go out for my birthday, and he was there, practicing with his band. His band mates begrudgingly convinced him to sing Happy Birthday for me and the rest is as they say, history.

Sure, those first years were hard. We were in and out of a relationship together as we tried to figure out the other people in our lives. But, I wouldn't trade one minute of our life together. Because all the people in our lives have made us who we are today. And besides, who knows at 17 that the person they are falling for is destined to be the love of their life? ;)

Amazing how time flies. I never thought 11 years would get here. But here it is, and I still remember the butterflies and heartbeat skips this man caused for me all that time ago.

Honestly, turning 28 is pretty amazing. As I look back on my short life, there are so many wonderfully fantastic memories. Sure 11 years of it includes my amazing husband, but the first 17 include my amazing family and friends. I wouldn't trade one day of my life for anything and I know that I am incredibly lucky to have the had 28 years that I've had. So, on June 11, raise your glasses and toast to my birthday. ;) Here's to another 28 amazing years of life with all of you in it. 

"Love at first sight is easy to understand. It's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle."
-Amy Bloom

*pitter patter pitter patter*

 

Protein and Carrots....

It's been a while, sorry. Life is life and sometimes it gets busy. These past few weeks have been like that.

So, how about an update? I feel like I eat protein non-stop! When in doubt, grab a protein shake. When hungry and it's not quite meal time, eat a protein bar! PROTEIN! PROTEIN! PROTEIN! I felt like one of those infomercial people just now. Weird.

So we're eating healthy, and it's hard. It's hard to plan ALL OF YOUR MEALS for the week on the day you go to the grocery store. I mean, what if you decide you just don't want tofu Wednesday night? Switch to chicken? Thankfully my freezer is overstocked with meats so that shouldn't be a problem. Fresh veggies? That's another beast all together.

Working out is ho hum. It needs to be more consistient for me, at least, but the weeks at work have been crazy and I don't always get the chance to run off and get in a hour+ workout. But I'm trying. That's what counts, right?

Anyway, here are my words of wisdom for today....


"sweat is your fat crying" as seen on a vehicle in the West Plano side of town. (It was like a Mercedes or something with this big ass sticker all over it. Good times!)

Hope all is well with you loves.

They certainly don't prepare you for years like this...

I keep thinking back on all the classes I've taken in my life, all of the studying I've done, and all of the things I've crammed into my brain. And of all that, none of it is meant to help you deal with the loss of someone you love. None of it. There are no prep courses for it, there are no courses to take afterwards to learn how to deal. Sure, you can talk to a therapist or someone close to you, but it's not the same. It's healing in a different way. In the end, it's still you who has to put in the work and you who has to learn to grieve in your own way. It's unfair. It's totally unfair. And we're just stuck. Floating through life and having to experience these incredibly painful events so we can learn and grow and find our way out of the grief and back to the normalcy.

I read a story today about a young couple who met in college. After settling down together and making a life for themselves, they found out that one of them had a very rare form of cancer. You can read about most of it here.  But the jist of it is this...at 25, she lost the one person she loved more than anything in this world to a cancer that couldn't be defeated. The salt in the wound? He died six weeks after they got married. When I read the story and watched the videos that are attached, my heart sank. 6 weeks. 6 weeks of wedded bliss and part of that was spent in the hospital, with her husband's organs shutting down one by one.

It's hard to lose those we love who are in their 60s and 70s. Even in their 50s. But to lose your husband at 25? Unimaginable. I respect her and commend her for her bravery and courage to go through such a difficult time with a positive outlook and beautiful smile. And I pray that she finds happiness again.

Life is so incredibly short. It can literally fade from you in an instant. Whether it's a battle or something that comes naturally while you sleep, it only takes a matter of seconds for you to depart this world. I think I take that for granted on most days. I float through life with a nonchalant attitude and think that I'll be here tomorrow and the next day and for the next 25 years. But the truth is, I may not. And that's hard to swallow. Even more so when I think that my husband may not be here for the next 25 years. The remedy? I'm not sure. I could say something cliche like 'live life to the fullest' but what does that even mean? Instead, I'm going to live my life the way I think I should. And if that means spending all my money on things I want instead of days I may not see, so be it. If it means calling my husband 12 times a day just to hear his voice, so be it. Each of us has to find our own happiness and our own way to live our lives.

“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.” 
- Mark Twain

Funny how 7 months can change your life...

Jim and Frank in one of my favorite pictures.

Yesterday,. without any warning at all, we lost another dear friend, Frank. Frank was Jim's best friend and to say that they were two peas in a pod is an understatement. They were DESTINED to be friends. It was shocking enough to lose Jim, but then to turn around and lose Frank a mere 7 months later is devastating.

I have no words to describe the hole in my heart that these two amazing men have left. But I know that if I grow up to be even just a little bit like them, I'm a better person for it.

Farewell my loves. I'll see you again.

For Frank:


For Jim: YMCA

And for both of my loves, gone too early.


And for me....because I love them so.


"some are dead and some are living....in my life.....I've loved them all.."

Music......and RIP Levon Helm

I've said it about 4,000 times, but music is an important part of my life. It can lift me up when I'm feeling bad, or soothe my soul when I'm in despair. It's something I treasure dearly and I am proud that I'm not specific to one genre when I listen to music.

Levon Helm, age 71, passed away this week. And this is one of the songs I love that features him on drums and as a singer. Enjoy.



"He was my bosom buddy friend to the end, one of the last true great spirits of my or any other generation. This is just so sad to talk about. I still can remember the first day I met him and the last day I saw him. We go back pretty far and had been through some trials together. I’m going to miss him, as I’m sure a whole lot of others will too.”
-Bob Dylan