I'm a little worn out....

I've always found writing to be somewhat cathartic and this blog has been no different for me.

I'm a little worn out. I say a little because if I say a lot then I'll feel the pressure of "a lot" and then it'll be overwhelming. If I say a little then I'll feel the pressure of a "little" and it'll be easier to handle.

I feel like so many people are hurting around me and suffering and like there is nothing I can do to help. It really sucks. I know that most people would acknowledge that their friends are hurting and move on. Or maybe they wouldn't even try to talk to them about it. But, that's just not who I am. I'm hurting because I know that people I care about are hurting too. Not only that, but some of the hurting is very personal for me as well. My "adopted dad" is still in the hospital dealing with some pretty serious withdrawal symptoms from all of the medication he was on. Not only that, but he has been diagnosed with idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis which is a degenerative lung disease. Until he gets more stable in the hospital, we can't even know what level he's at.

And someone I care about deeply lost her husband. I wasn't particuarly close to him, but over the past 8 months, by serving on a committee with her, I have become very close to her. And I love her dearly.

The thing is though, I wouldn't change my life. I wouldn't change myself. Although I am hurting because people I love are hurting, when they are happy, so am I. When they are celebrating big events in their life, so am I. I feel the same amount of happiness for the good things as I do sadness for the bad things. So, it's okay. I'm going to be okay. We're all going to be okay. Someday, this will pass and it will feel like a distant memory in a crappy time in our lives. I'm not going to stop caring as much as I do or loving people as much as I do. For they are enriching my life in ways I never knew possible.

"One person caring about another represents life's greatest value."

You have to take the good with the bad...

This weekend was filled with such excitement and heartache all at the same time.

A "friend" (I say "friend" because she's more like family to me) lost her husband on Friday morning. He passed in his sleep, which is a blessing, but it was unexpected. He had played golf on Tuesday and mowed the church lawn on Wednesday. While I wasn't very close to him, I do consider myself close to her. And I know that their marriage was a long, happy marriage, and that she wouldn't want anyone to be upset for her, it is still heartbreaking to hear of someone you care about losing someone they love.

In the midst of the aftermath of his passing, Jim seemed to be getting better. They were lowering his sedation so that they could determine when he would be ready to remove the ventilation tube that was stuck down his throat. They first attempted to do it on Saturday morning, but it didn't work out. He was far too agitated and annoyed by something to remain calm enough for the procedure. After lots of conversations with him, mostly telling him that he had to remain calm for them to do the procedure, and that the doctors were hopeful he would do great without it, they were able to extubate him yesterday! It was such exciting news and even more exciting when I got to the hospital and got to have a conversation with him. He told me he loved me and that he was glad the tube was out. Among a few other things. It was truly a great day.

We now know that Jim has idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis which is incurable. I'm not sure what the course of action will be going forward, or how long we'll have with him after this. But, I know that he's here for now, and I'm going to cherish every minute of time I get with him. 

So, you have to take the bad and the good. No matter which way they come at you. Life is about mixing them together and it's not going to stop just because we don't like it. The bad is going to keep coming but so will the good. It's about learning to pair those together that matters.

Photography....

If I had to pick a second life to lead, I would want to be a photographer. Not the kind who does like wedding photography, etc. although I'm thankful to the people who do that, I'd want to be more like national geographic great and swim with the sharks to get my pictures!

But, I'm not that kind of person. Instead, I work a stupid 8-5 job that I like on most days but would trade in a heartbeat for something more thrilling. I was going through some pictures from vacation last year and here are some of my favorites of  Costa Rica.... Ahh to be there again...hopefully not during the rainy season this time!

I'm including this one to show you what my idea of "people" pics is....people do not want pictures of themselves like this! I know!

So what is the point of this post? Oh, right. To tell you, blogosphere (all 5 of you) that I want to do more with my life. I don't want to just take fun pictures of my nieces and nephews (and maybe kids some day). I want to travel and take fun pictures of the world! Or just of Texas. Shoot, that's even better  than not taking any pictures!!!

So, here's hoping that after I finish my MBA (in October) I have more free time on the weekends to just get out there and drive! Stop at every hole in the wall diner I want to and just take pictures of the world out there. There's so much out there, that it's got to be more fun than this!

Plus, with the hubs going back to school....I'm going to be awfully bored on the weekends I think!


“There is only you and your camera. The limitations in your photography are in yourself, for what we see is what we are.”
-Ernest Haas

Google and Fat

Okay first, I just want to say that it's a little disturbing how many Jessica Simpson pictures come up if you do a Google image search on "fat". I mean, really guys? She's not even fat! Sure, she gained a few pounds here and there, but overall, she's still pretty damn hot. I honestly couldn't believe how many pictures of her came up! Sooooo we'll be skipping a picture for this blog because obviously the internets has lost it's damn mind.

Second.....I've been a little harsh on myself these last two days but I think that I'm probably going to have to keep being harsh because I feel like (and I know deep down) that my weight is bothering me and is slightly out of control. Whew. That's hard to say out loud!!! I've known for probably a year or so that I needed to do something about my weight. That it's out of control. That I'm unhappy with the way I look and feel. But, I'm lacking the motivation. No matter how much I call myself a fat ass or tell myself that I'm overweight, I still haven't found the inspiration to go to the gym. It's actually quite lame and annoying. And I know that if I would just get there once, I'd probably feel better and feel like going back. But sadly, that hasn't happened either.

I've started calling myself out on it...if you follow me on Twitter (which you should because my comments are dumb just like this blog), then you would have seen my tweet yesterday questioning whether the guys at the gas station are checking me out because I look cute or because they're debating whether or not I can run away from them if robbed.....it made me lol. But that's the thing. It made me laugh. It didn't force me to get to the gym.

So, here's what I propose blogosphere....that I quit being so lame and hold myself accountable through you guys. I know like 5 people read this, but 5 people is more than just me, right?

Here's hoping that holding myself accountable, by talking to you guys, will help me in the whole process of not being a lard ass and being more like my old self. My cute, skinny self. Who was happier!

And if you so desire, you can find me as "tiffytrox" on Twitter. You know you want to. As long as you're not some creepy internet troll, I'll even let you follow me! 


"Too many people confine their exercise to jumping to conclusions, running up bills, stretching the truth, bending over backward, lying down on the job, sidestepping responsibility and pushing their luck." Anonymous

I'm a bleeding heart

I've said it before, but it was probably like 1,000 posts ago and so nobody remembers it. There is one thing about me that is both a blessing and a curse.

I'm a bleeding heart.

I'm sure the internet has tons of descriptions for what a bleeding heart is, but here is what it means to me.....and I'm not even sure why this is the definition that I have of it. I feel EVERYTHING at a level to me that is probably a little too intense for most people. I feel ecstatic more than most (if I had to guess) and it's usually about stupid things. I feel anger stronger than most of the people I know. And I feel sadness more than most people I know. It's a blessing because when someone tells me something about themselves that is good or happy, I am over the moon for them! I think it's amazing and truly celebrate their happiness. When I'm upset, sometimes, I tend to hold a grudge against people and it can some times take me a long time to forgive someone, if I ever actually do. And when my loved ones, or even myself are hurting, my heart breaks into a million little pieces for them.

I realize that I just made myself sound like a manic depressant, but that's not true. I'm not manic. It's not like I go through these emotions on a regular basis. Instead, most days are pretty evenly balanced. Normal, just like everyone else (with a few quirks).

Lately though, as someone I think of as an adoptive father to me, lays in a hospital bed, with a ventilator breathing for him, I feel like pieces of my heart are falling off every day and like eventually, my heart is going to be broken beyond repair. It absolutely kills me to see him in so much disarray and discomfort. And hearing that the doctors have no idea what exactly is wrong makes it all that much harder. I want to punch them sometimes because how can you go to medical school, make as much money as you do for knowing medical things, and not be able to fix my friend? It's ludicrous. 

My heart hurts because his family is hurting. They are just as exhausted and disheveled  as he is and I fear that they are on the brink of breaking. It's hard to watch someone you love lie there and know that you are completely helpless. And they do it every day, all day.

I saw him before they intubated him and it was really hard. We had a really good heart to heart about where he is, and what he hopes will happen, but also what he's ready for. He's convinced that the right plan will take it's course and that might not mean that he gets better. Which, is very hard to hear from someone you care about so deeply. I cried and cried and instead of me comforting him through such a difficult time, he was comforting me.

It's a curse to feel things so deeply because my anxiety has been off the charts these past few days and I haven't felt like doing much more than being at the hospital or lying around the house.

My thoughts are in a thousand places so if this seems to ramble, I truly apologize. I love that I feel my friends' happiness and their sadness, but feeling my own happiness and sadness so deeply is very hard for me. I much prefer the days when my emotions are more even and balanced and things are just normal. Here's hoping that my friend recovers and we all find normalcy soon.

UPDATE: My dear friend (who writes this blog FYI) sent me this email this morning. I like what she said and it reiterates what I was attempting to say in my original post anyway...so here it is:

You also have such a tendency to open your heart and become close to a lot of people, so whenever they struggle (and you have a large network of friends, so it’s like there’s always someone having a tough time) your heart breaks. :( But imagine how good that can be. What if you never opened your heart up? You’d miss out on so much. Sure, it’d break less, but you’d love less…and then, what’s the point of life? Doesn’t make the tough times easier though!