Weekend Shenanigans!!!!

This is going to be brief, but  I thought I'd post something fun instead of some crazy rant that displays the true nature of my jacked up brain...

Here's what I'll be doing tonight:

And here's what I'll be doing tomorrow!!!

Yes, you should be jealous. I plan on having a very nice, vodka enhanced weekend! :)


I have a punishing workout regimen. Every day I do 3 minutes on a treadmill, then I lie down, drink a glass of vodka and smoke a cigarette.
Anthony Hopkins

A Vast Assortment

Today, I was thinking about how lucky I am to have a very vast assortment of friends in my life.

I have people that I consider to be my best friends, and I hold them very near and dear to my heart. These people are my family, even if not by blood.

I have people that I calll my "life-long" friends and I hold them very near and dear to my heart. They are like family to me.

I have people that I see occasionally, but would still call my best friends because we can go weeks without talking to each other and pick up right where we left off the last time we saw each other. And I know that I could either of these friends when in a pickle, and they'd do anything to help me.

I have friends that I went to school with, that I consider to be my good friends. We may not talk often, or talk about silly stuff all the time (read: poop). But my life is better for them being in it, and I'd take a bullet for anyone of them.

I have new friends that I'm spending more time with and learning more about all the time. They also happen to be members of my church, so I'm finding spiritual connections that I think I was missing. 

I have friends who are snobby, generous, compassionate, selfish, arrogant, loving, extraodinarily talented, funny, closedminded, openminded...and the list could go on and on.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that, by allowing myself to be open to as vast array of friendships and people, I've found some of the most amazing people I could ever hope for to have in my life. I guess I'm lucky that way. I feel like I could call on almost any of these people in times of crisis and they'd all be there for me. It's a good feeling to know that you have support out there in the world, isn't it? What would a life without friendship be? I can't even begin to imagine it.

I often think of how friendships come and friendships go, and it makes me sad because I do fall for my friends so quickly. I'm a lover, not a fighter, and I fall in love with new friendships quickly and hard. I know some people can just let friendships slip away and fade when they've run their course, but I've always found that hard. I find myself wondering 5 months down the road how they're doing and what's new in their life. Sometimes, friendship comes back around and I have some friendships like that too. But sometimes, maybe it's not meant to come back around. Maybe, the purpose is over and life must continue without them. Who knows. I shall ponder the meaning of friendship for a while longer.

But fate ordains that dearest friends must part.  

~Edward Young

New tattoo....new lessons

First and foremost....new tattoo. Don't make fun of the pic. It's not an iPhone 4 so it doesn't take AMAZING pictures, but you get the idea.

new lessons:

1. Life is short. Have fun. Get the tattoo that you've wanted for 6 years...let loose. 
2. Shit happens and you have no choice but to pick yourself up and move forward. Dwelling on the shit only makes the shit worse! (I know, deep thoughts)
3. Let people go. Friendships aren't always meant to be lifelong. When they are, those friends will fight for you and fight to keep you in their life. They'll tell you to go and get that new tattoo because they know you best and know that in 20 years, you'll both laugh at the funny things you've done.
4. You really should marry your best friend. Mine is amazing. He usually knows what to say to make me laugh or smile and he loves me unconditionally, even when I'm moody for no apparent reason. 
5. Keep your family close. You never know when something is going to come along and break your heart and you'll need them the most. 
6. See your friends as often as you can. Don't let distance be the reason you haven't seen them in a year. Find time. Go visit. Love them. 
7. Let your soul be free. (see: dove tattoo). Life is short. So short. We shouldn't live our lives confined in a box that society or someone else has built for us. We should live free. 
8. Respect others. The golden rule is the oldest but the hardest to follow for some reason. Imagine a world where everyone looked out for everyone else and took the time to respect each other. 
9. Go see a loved one even if you know it's the last time you'll see them. There's something about that last embrace or that last "I love you, darling" that you'll never forget. Don't wait until it's too late and you're talking to an empty vessel. 
10. It's okay to vent! And the best part of venting is having a good friend who will listen! :)

These are some things that I've learned/reminded myself of this year. These past 12 months have been hell, but somehow, I think there's going to be light at the end of the tunnel. I know it's not January so it's weird for a "lessons on life" post, but whatev. It's my blog and I do what I want.

Live all you can; it's a mistake not to. It doesn't so much matter what you do in particular, so long as you have your life. If you haven't had that, what have you had? 
Henry James

The problem withe me.....

(broken heart - Cheryl Shibley)
I'm kind of a bleeding heart.
I take things more seriously than I should, probably.
I hold grudges.
I expect too much from the people I care about.

Let me explain a little further...
I'm not good at being friends with some people. I feel like I put myself out there and don't always receive the same in return. I have some friends who I don't have to see all the time, because when I do see them, there's a mutual respect and affection for each other and we know that we care about each other. And honestly, it's like I talked to them yesterday. I have 4 or 5 friends in my life like this. I consider them my close inner circle. I consider them family.

I have friends who I feel like are in a circle that requires more nuturing and attention than other relationships I have. These are the ones I'm not good at. See, the thing is, if the relationship requires more nurturing and more caring, then somehow in the crazy mix of things, I require more nurturing and caring. And when I don't get that, I start to hold grudges. It kind of makes me feel like a 4 year old, but whatever. If you can't voice it on your blog, where are you supposed to voice it right? I have some friends who I've shared a lot of excellent memories with. But then somewhere along the line, something happened and a rift grew between us. The suckiest part of these 4 friendships that I'm thinking of in particular is that we had mutual friends. The biggest suckiest part of these is that in two separate cases, it seems as though the mutual friends and said friend have gotten closer and are now much better friends and I kind of feel left out in the cold. Most days, it doesn't bother me. If my friendship to them isn't seen as valuable and worth fighting for, than what's the point in feeling I should fight for it, right? But some days, it kills. Some days, it makes me feel like I wasted years of my life working on something that was never going to pay off. I know, I know, friendships aren't supposed to pay off, but shouldn't you gain something from the relationship? I mean, if you don't, then what's the point in being in the relationships? We're selfish creatures, and we're always looking for something that makes us feel better about ourselves, brings us to that next level in our life. And if friendships just aren't doing it, then what's the point in still being friends?

I expect too much from relationships in my life. I fall hard for people and I get my feelings hurt severely when something changes in our relationship. I know this about myself and yet, I'm helpless to change it. I still desperately want to cling to those relationships in the hopes that something will change and things will go back to the way they were 2, 3 years ago.

When I say my heart aches, I mean, my heart aches.
I'm kind of a bleeding heart.

I hold grudges.
I expect too much from the people I care about.
I cling to things that are hopeless.

"We always thought we'd look back on our tears and laugh, but we never thought we'd look back on our laughter and cry."

Prayer.....

Touchy subject, I know. But I'm having some difficulties lately and I wanted to let them out. (I know, like 3 people read this, but maybe the 3 of you will help me!)

I have two friends who I think of as family that are dealing with incredibly tough situations right now. One is battling an endless fight with her 9 month old child. He was born premature and tested postivie for a chromonsonal disorder that has caused some significant problems in his young life. Currently, he is being evaluated for whether or not he should undergo heart surgery to repair a hole in his heart that is not closing on it's own, as doctor's had hoped. It seems like the little guy has had to battle something every month of his life and I would imagine it's taking it's toll on his mom and dad as well. I can't imagine hearing bad news after bad news and still staying strong in my faith. Somehow though, they're hanging in there.

Another friend of mine, who is very close to my heart, is battling lymphoma. He started his battle last year and was lucky enough to go into remission. However, the cancer is back, and with a vengance. The cancer has spread to the membrane that surrounds your spine and your cerebrum (I think). He's having to undergo aggressive chemo treatments and radiation treatments. It's tearing his body down and he's very weak.

I'm at a loss for what to do. I know that there is really nothing I can do other than hold fast to my faith and pray for my family. But I'm finding it difficult to do these days. I mean, I feel like I'm sending words off into an unknown space and I'll never know if they made a difference or not. I feel as though I've witnessed the power of prayer in my life. I feel as though I've always known that God is out there listening to me, but I'm having a hard time today. I've been praying for these friends for months now and they're still in the midst of their battles. I'm struggling to think that I'm helping. I want to do something more. I want to physically be able to help, but there's just simply nothing I can do. And sure, you're there for your friends and that supposedly goes a long way, but.....it just doesn't feel like enough.

So, whether you pray, or send positive thoughts, or meditate, can you do some of it for me? I need to find some way to help my family and I need to find some peace of mind that my prayers/energy is helping and it's the right thing to do.

"Once all struggle is grasped, miracles are possible."
-Mao Tse Tung

This one's for the bride....

I just wanted to share some photos of my beautiful friends (well with me in them, of course!)....these are all either from the bachelorette party or the wedding reception....enjoy!

A simple hand gesture....

This is going to be filed under "traffic-road-rage-rants" but whatever.

I think that us good ol Texans have forgotten how nice we are (supposedly) and how "everything is friendlier in Texas". I'm so tired of driving to work in the morings and getting cut off, or being nice and not having anyone say "Hey, thanks!" or "sorry" by waving their hand so I can see it!

I feel terrible when I cut someone off and I immediately throw up my hand and scream out "Sorry!" I know they can't hear me, but it makes me feel better to say it.

Okay, the point of the post: this morning, a lady needed to get over into the lane I was in so that she could exit. I gladly slowed down and let her over. It wasn't like I barely had to step on the brakes so she didn't notice kind of a slow down. It was a serious slow down. AND SHE DID NOTHING! It drives me nuts.

So, as Texans, why don't we go ahead and remember that we're supposed to be nice to each other and start apologizing when we cut people off, and saying "thanks!" when someone slows down to let us in. Wouldn't it be fun?

My Mom

Isn't it funny that when we're younger, we don't realize how important our mother is to us? I mean, we know that she holds us when we cry, and she tucks us in at night, but we don't realize the lengths that she goes to make sure we are well taken care of, out of harm's way, and loved. As I've grown older, I've realized what an amazing woman my mother is. She's completely selfless, amazingly compassionate, giving, and above all, loving. When I was younger, I think I took for granted what an awesome mom she really was to me.  I figured all moms were like  that and I was just one of the kids who got a mom. Boy, how things can be so different with just a few more years under your belt.

I've learned that my mom isn't like everyone else's mom. She goes above and beyond what she has to do just because she feels like that what she should do for her children. She's done more for me in my 26 years of life than a lot of parents have done for their children. I've been extremely lucky to have been placed in her arms, and I can't imagine having someone else as a parent.

Yesterday, when I was frustrated about trying to find someone to ride to Houston with me, she said "I'll think about going." Before I could ask anyone else, she was already planning on we should go and whether or not we should stay the night. My mom stepped up to the plate when it felt like others were stepping down. And again, although I shouldn't have been, I was amazed at her selflessness. I know she doesn't really want to drive 8 hours to see someone she barely knows. But she knows that this friend is important to me, and that was enough for her.

My mom's the best. Simply put, the best.

"A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us; still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind percepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts. "
-Washington Irving

Ooops and weekend update...

I'm going down to see my PH this weekend. My mom is coming with me, so that's kind of cool. It'll be a fun little jaunt down and back, but I need to see him.

I can't imagine what he is going through right now and it literally breaks my heart to hear all this bad news from him. I can't imagine battling cancer in my 20s and I personally think that cancer deserves a big kick in the balls.

I left someone off my list yesterday and I want to make sure they get a lot of positive energy too, because they need it. Apparently it takes months for your energy to come back after finishing radiation and all that jazz, so you know they need what we can give them!

My friend's mother is also battling cancer. Her's is stomach cancer and it's proven to be a beast so far. She has a scan next week so we're keeping our fingers crossed that the scan comes back with good news. Keep her in your thoughts too, please. It'd mean a lot to me.


The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it.
  ~C.C. Scott