sometimes, it's hard to see the light of the day because it feels like we're being buried alive under a dark cloud of sadness. since the anniversary of my grandfather's passing and the loss of my friend Preston, my days have been a roller coaster of up and down, happy and sad. when I start feeling like maybe things are going on the upswing of the roller coaster, something else comes along and hits me with a wave of sadness. almost as if the world wants me to know that it's still her and sadness is still happening.
monday is the one year anniversary of the passing of my nephew. I'm not even sure how you prepare yourself for that. it's been a long year. and it feels like accepting the fact that it's been a year is wrong. I'm not sure why. also recently, some dear friends of ours had to break the news to us that they had a miscarriage. it was their first attempt at having a baby.
i know the saying "Everything happens for a reason" and for the most part, i've accepted that philosophy in my life. but the more time goes by, the more it gets harder and harder to just swallow some of the things that have happened to the ones i love.
today, i clicked on Preston's name on my google chat to send him a message that i love him and i miss him. only to remember that he's no longer here and would not receive my message of well wishes. it's had when reality slaps you in the face and you remember that your loved one is no longer here. sure, i probably need to remove his contact information from my accounts, but it's like it would be accepting that he's really not here, and I don't want to do that just yet. I want to pretend like he's just off on a bike ride and out of cell-phone service. becuase admitting that he's gone would just be too hard.
in the words of lil' wayne.... "yeah my life's a bitch, but you nuthing bout her. i've been to hell and back, i can show you vouchers....."
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