today has just been one of those mornings....

you know, the kind where for some reason or another different things are taking your breath away? Or something makes you pause and think....hmm, that's different. Today is kind of like that. Only today, instead of it being a moment of awe or something unique that's causing the pause, it's more things I've been missing and didn't realize I was.

I miss my aunt's goofy phone calls and birthday sing a longs. I miss the way she never failed to tell me I was beautiful even though for the past oh, 6 years of her life, she couldn't even see my face. I missed being forced to watch Spanish novellas because it was the only thing her TV seemed to tune to. I miss the huge stocking that she would fill with the most random crap every year for Christmas.

I miss my grandpa's smell. I miss his smile. I miss his bear hugs and his "hey darlins." I miss seeing his face light up when he would see my dad for the first time in a long time. I miss seeing my dad's face light up when he would see my grandfather for the first time in a long time.

I miss Preston's laugh. I miss his random storm update text messages with radar images attached letting me know where the storm is heading and when to take cover. I miss his random goofy comments that always seem to come at just the right time....when the day was at it's worst or life just seemed tough.

I miss them.

I guess the ray of light in this morning of seemingly miserableness is that I miss them, but I'm okay with it. I know that these memories and things that I miss about my loved ones are what remind me of them and are the things that I can hold onto day in and day out and know that I loved them and they loved me. Sure, it doesn't make up for the fact that they're not here to sing me happy birhday, or give me a big bear hug, or send me the perfect joke on the worst day.....but they are. If I close my eyes just tight enough, I can still see all of them. I can still hear their voices and I can sometimes pick up their scent. It's weird, but I feel like they're always here with me, even though they're not here for me to touch and feel.

I don't pretend to understand what is going to happen to us when we die. I do believe that this life, this body, is just temporary and that my soul will some how endure. I hope that my soul finds their souls in whatever type of afterlife there might be. It sure would be nice to see their faces one more time.


Life is eternal, and love is immortal,
and death is only a horizon;
and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight.
~Rossiter Worthington Raymond