Forgiveness

I just really love trees so I added this pic for flair!

Holy busy-ness Batman! My life is a freaking roller coaster ride that is spiraling down the track at about 120 MPH. I feel like I need to vomit! That being said, I'm alive. Work has been particuarly insane these past few months. My sis in law asked me the other day if I abandonned my blog. Heck no! I've just had trouble finding time to breathe let alone think about a blog post! Anyway, there is one thing that has been weighing heavy on my heart and mind lately.....FORGIVENESS.

It's such a simple word. Forgive. To forgive. To be forgiven. Here's the dictionary.com version of that word for ya:

for·give

   fərˈgɪv/ Show S

1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.

2. to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).

3. to grant pardon to (a person).

4. to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.

5. to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.

 

Small word, big meaning. Often times in our lives, things come up. People do things that we don't like. That we don't appreciate. But it's the bigger person who can look within themselves and say "hey, this person is my friend. Maybe they need my forgiveness now more than ever?"

And don't even get me started on forgiveness in marriage! I once heard that forgiveness is the greatst gift that you can give to your marriage. Why? Becuase there are going to be times when he just doesn't get it girls. He doesn't understand that your emotions are literally at their highest level of crazy and that telling you he doesn't like the salad dressing you bought this month is the one thing that is going to set you off. God forbid he even mention the way you look today. (unless it's of course a comparison to a Greek Goddess...In that case, I'm always willing to listen!).

 

My point with all this rambling is that I think learning to forgive and to ask for forgiveness when you've done a wrong is one of the big parts about becoming an adult and really growing into yourself. Sure we say "I'm sorry" when we're younger and our parents make us apologize to a sibling for ripping the heads of their Barbie, but I don't think we really understand what we're saying. Or maybe it's that in the big scheme of things, tifts like that are so small that we don't grasp the relevance of the situation.

 

I know that these past few months I've been holding a grudge or two against people who probably just need me to let it go and forgive them. Some of them don't even know that I've been quietly judging them and creating a tally in my head for the wrongs they've committed. It's my choice to become a better person. To no longer sit back and judge when I'm not sure how I would react in the same situation. It's also my choice to forgive them for not behaving in a manner that I expected they should. Forgiveness is key. Forgiveness is the greatest gift we can give to a relationship.

 

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” 

― Mahatma Gandhi, All Men are Brothers: Autobiographical Reflections

Hardships of growing up

I know, my blog has been rather down in the dumps, but I think this one might end on a better note.

Tomorrow marks the 1 year anniversary of Jim's passing. One year. One whole year. It's absolutely unbelievable.

I've never been as heart broken as I was the day that my sister lost my nephew.  But, this past year has come very close to inflicting the same amount of pain.

There have been days where I thought my heart literally was going to break. That it couldn't possibly handle any more bad news, or loss. That there had to be a point in life where the hurt just ceased. Unfortuately, the pain didn't stop just because I wanted it to. Fortunately, I made it through. There were days of endless tears. Moments where I literally couldn't control my emotions. And then there were days where the memories brought tears of joy and happiness. Days when I felt like Jim's life meant something, not just to me, but to dozens of other people.

I still can't believe that there will be moments in my life that I won't be able to share with him. Namely, when the husband and I finally become parents. Jim was an amazing man and one of his many gifts was teaching children. I know that he changed my life by being a teacher in mine. And I've watched him change the lives of others. Knowing that my niece, my children, won't have the sme guidance and nurturing as I did from a man I adored, is hard. It makes me sad. I can only pray that there is someone else down the road who is just as talented as he was and can provide the same type of guidance. That's the miracle of life, right? There is usually more than one person who is gifted at a certain skill.

My heart hurts over the many, many things that Jim won't be here for. Milestones with his granddaughter, with his children, a million things that we often take for granted without even thinking twice. My heart hurts that every month I feel like my memories are fading a little bit more. It's as if they're still there, but not as crisp as they were a year ago. I can't hear his voice anymore, but I can still feel his love.

But, this year has taught me so many things that it's hard to chop it up as a total waste. I've learned the utter importance of your chosen family. My blood family is amazing and I lean on them for support constantly. They have seen me through a number of obstacles in my life. But, my chosen family, the family that I've built for myself, has seen me through the worst of this year. And I know that part of it is because we've gone through it together. We've felt the pain together, shared his memory together, loved together. And honestly, I can say that I'm closer to them now than I have been in my entire life. Even though they've been in my life for 20+ years and I grew up with their guidance.

While I continue to miss Jim every single day, I'm grateful that my chosen family has become closer. It sucks that often times it takes a death to help you realize how important they are to you, but sometimes life's lessons come with a hefty price. And thankfully, I believe that Jim is watching over me still even though I can't go in for one of his hugs, or hear him tell me he loves me.  That's the beauty of faith, I suppose. Having the hope that somewhere out there, the ones we love are still close by.

This year was hard. I've felt more heartbroken than most years, but I've also felt more loved than any other year in my life. Life is so incredibly precious. Please, don't take it for granted. Love the ones you love. Love them big!

"The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost."
- G. K. Chesterton

Life isn't always sunshine and daisies..

I like to think that the majority of the time, I'm pretty positive and upbeat. But, my life isn't always sunshine and daisies. There are hardships that I simply don't know how to deal with. Sure, I deal with them the best I can, I reach out to my friends, my family and hope that someone has the right encouraging words to keep me going for another day, hour, minute. But sometimes, things feel heavy. Like the weight of the world is bearing down on my shoulders.

These past few weeks have been like that. On the upside, I switched positions at work, in the same department (woo!) and it's been really fun to learn something new. Thankfully, my boss is super cool and is patient with me as I figure out things. Unfortunately, this time of year is hard for me. My grandfather died in August. Preston died in August. Jim died in September. It hasn't yet been a year since Jim passed, but it's been a year since we put him in the hospital. Since we intubated him. Since we celebrated his 44 year wedding anniversary in the hospital. August/September are hard for me. Will they always be? I don't know. Are they this year?  You bet.

Adding to the mix is the realization that one of my favorite co-workers is dealing with a brain tumor that is more than likely being cause by a viscious form of cancer. I've visited a few times to try and cheer him up, but his spirits are deflated. As anyone's would be while spending all of your time in a hospital room/rehab center room. I'm worried about him. I'm worried about his family. I'm worried that they too will know the pain that losing a loved one can bring.

I'm worried. I'm worried about work. I'm worried about Jim's family. I'm worried about my friend's family. I'm just worried. I've been trying really hard to pinpoint my feelings and work with them, but it seems to boil down to worry. I'm worried.

My dear friends lost their Oma a few months back. This past weekend, they had the memorial service for her. I depserately wanted to be there but simply didn't have the time. One of my friends made a very touching video for her. And featured the song below. I'd heard the song before, but I'd never heard it sung by a female. I've been listening to it on repeat. Thinking about the ones I've lost. Treasuring the memories that flash through my memory from time to time and praying that my other friend doesn't get added to this loop of ones I've lost.

Maybe you're dealing with something too. Maybe this song will touch your heart too. To my friend, all I can say, is thank you. Thank you for re-introducing me to a wonderful song.

Couldn't get the embedding to work, so do me a favor and click the link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rweQlz1TQYg

"If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less..keep me in your heart for a while"
- Warren Zevon

Spontaneous, much?

Sorry I've been MIA. I really don't have anything interesting to share with the world these days. My life has become very, very mundane. And completely bogged down with every day stuff that isn't very exciting. Some day my life will change and I'll cute little baby pics to share with everyone (unless I adopt a toddler from Africa) but that day hasn't come yet, so I continue to be boring and have nothing noteworthy to share.

But here is what 's going on in my life. Hubs was out of town for two weeks. First week I got really bored, but I decided to sit on the couch instead of doing anything of interest. Second week., he was actually gone for the entire week so I got a wild hair that I should paint the trim in my guest bathroom. No biggie right? Wrong. While the trim wasn't hard work, it also meant that I couldn't just leave the wallpaper in there. I mean, it's from the 70s for pete's sake. That cannot stand! So, I ended up priming over the wallpaper. Now, there are several schools of thought on whether to paint over wallpaper or take it down. After a horrible take down process in my master bath (and walls that I'm not happy with), I decided to paint over it. I wish I had thought about writing this blog post before because I totally would have taken more pictures. You'll just have to visualize in your brains. Be creative! You can do it!

So, it took three coats of Kilz to cover up the wallpaper. And what does it look like now? White walls with painters tape blocking off the trim and other important parts of the wall/fixtures. Why? Because the hubs and I haven't found time to get to the store to pick out a color that we both like. Yeah, I know. Next time I feel like being spontaneous, I should probably schedule some time with my husband to evaluate the reasonableness of my idea and to figure out what freaking color we're going to paint the bathroom. He wants something modern, I want a light green. Seems modern to me?

So, the next few days I plan to go through several House Beautiful magazines that I have and hopefully coming to a consensus on what is both modern and green. :)

Happy house owning you guys. Maybe be less spontaneous than me and plan it out just a little bit.

OH! And I have until August 18 to get my house cleaned, finish this bathroom, and hopefully fix the master bathroom. Plenty of time, right?

Only in spontaneity can we be who we truly are. John McLaughlin

4th of July Memories

This fourth of July is going to be tough. Part of the reason why it's going to be tough is becasue last 4th of July was the last time my whole "family" was together. Jim was still with us, and so was Frank. It was happy and fun and we had a great time together. None of us knew that in 2 short months we'd be without Jim and in 9 months we'd be without Frank. That's the thing about the future, it doesn't ever reveal it's plans to you. Instead, things just happen.

We all got together on Memorial Day, but it was a little bit easier. Memorial Day wasn't the last time we were all together. The fourth of July was. I'm both looking forward to Wednesday and dreading it. I can't wait to spend time with my family and I know that despite the pain we'll inevitably be feeling, we'll be happy because we're together.

My friend lost her grandmother this weekend. And when I texted her my condolensces, she said "I have so many memories from her and Opa." And this struck me because at a time when when she could have said something, anything different, she managed to highlight the part that makes grief a little bit easier. The fact that we were lucky enough to make memories and to cherish those memories when our loved ones are gone.

So, yes, this holiday will be hard. And Labor Day will be even harder. But, instead of being sad that my family is no longer with me, I'm going to think about all the great memories we had together and all the 4th of Julys we spent together making those memories.

Happy 4th. And as always, remember that our freedom isn't free and there are men and women sacrificing their lives so we can sit back and bbq.

July 4, 2011.

Not too much happening

I know that I've been kind of nonexistient lately. I apologize for that. There just hasn't really been anything interesting going on in my life and I hate to bore you with non-interesting facts!

There have been a few lows and highs over the past few weeks though.
Low - Bailey got sick. And those of you who have had fur babies before actual babies, or only have fur babies know how incredibly heartbreaking it is for your fur baby to be sick. I ended up staying home with her all day and she slept. She mostly slept on top of this chair that is kind of a catch all (so forgive the random items in the picture) but the good news is, she seems to be back to her normal self.

In other news, specifically in fun, exciting news, this little sweetpea turned six months old!! SIX MONTHS! I thinks he weighs about 14 pounds now, which is a lot when you come in at 4.4!

She went to the aquarium with the grandparents on her 6 month birthday. My sis is going to throw year and half year birthdays for her since she's a Christmas baby to make her feel special. :)

So, there's a sort of update for you! Hope you're all suriving this hotter than hell summer!

BIRTHDAY! BIRTHDAY! BIRTHDAY!!!

Soooo yesterday was my birthday. And I have to admit, when the day started, I was NOT excited at all. Not that I'm ever overly excited about my birthday, but I thought I'd be a little bit more excited than I was. It could have been the fact that we still had to drive from Little Rock, AR to Texas or that turning 28 isn't all that exciting. It's hard to tell. But, as the day went on, and the Facebook messages poured in and the text messages continued to come, I started to get more excited. By last night, I was feeling pretty good about another year.

I didn't really do anything too exciting. I was really craving steak, so my grandma took me and the hubs to Texas Roadhouse. It's close by, and relatively cheap for a decent steak. I certainly wasn't complaining. Today at work the crew took me to Babe's (their smoked chicken is TO DIE FOR). And we had cake. Yum cake!

The hubs took me shopping last night and bought me the new Kindle Fire........I'm super excited because I have loved the crap out of my Kindle so I naturally thought that I would love the newest edition. And I have to say, I kind of do. I only played with it for a little bit (tired and all) but it rocks so far!

I also went totally crazy and got my ears double pierced. Totally insane, I know! :)

So here's to another 28 years and another fun year!!!

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years"
-Abraham Lincoln

So far, 28 years have been amazing.

My birthday is coming up, in June, and as I sat thinking about it this morning, I realized that with the 28th year of my life, comes the 11th year of having my husband in my life. 11 years. Insane. I don't remember when we officially met the first time....he was critiquing my swim stroke, I know that, but I do know that I was out of town for a while and when I came back, I saw him again on my birthday. June 11. I met some friends at the local YMCA to go out for my birthday, and he was there, practicing with his band. His band mates begrudgingly convinced him to sing Happy Birthday for me and the rest is as they say, history.

Sure, those first years were hard. We were in and out of a relationship together as we tried to figure out the other people in our lives. But, I wouldn't trade one minute of our life together. Because all the people in our lives have made us who we are today. And besides, who knows at 17 that the person they are falling for is destined to be the love of their life? ;)

Amazing how time flies. I never thought 11 years would get here. But here it is, and I still remember the butterflies and heartbeat skips this man caused for me all that time ago.

Honestly, turning 28 is pretty amazing. As I look back on my short life, there are so many wonderfully fantastic memories. Sure 11 years of it includes my amazing husband, but the first 17 include my amazing family and friends. I wouldn't trade one day of my life for anything and I know that I am incredibly lucky to have the had 28 years that I've had. So, on June 11, raise your glasses and toast to my birthday. ;) Here's to another 28 amazing years of life with all of you in it. 

"Love at first sight is easy to understand. It's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle."
-Amy Bloom

*pitter patter pitter patter*

 

Protein and Carrots....

It's been a while, sorry. Life is life and sometimes it gets busy. These past few weeks have been like that.

So, how about an update? I feel like I eat protein non-stop! When in doubt, grab a protein shake. When hungry and it's not quite meal time, eat a protein bar! PROTEIN! PROTEIN! PROTEIN! I felt like one of those infomercial people just now. Weird.

So we're eating healthy, and it's hard. It's hard to plan ALL OF YOUR MEALS for the week on the day you go to the grocery store. I mean, what if you decide you just don't want tofu Wednesday night? Switch to chicken? Thankfully my freezer is overstocked with meats so that shouldn't be a problem. Fresh veggies? That's another beast all together.

Working out is ho hum. It needs to be more consistient for me, at least, but the weeks at work have been crazy and I don't always get the chance to run off and get in a hour+ workout. But I'm trying. That's what counts, right?

Anyway, here are my words of wisdom for today....


"sweat is your fat crying" as seen on a vehicle in the West Plano side of town. (It was like a Mercedes or something with this big ass sticker all over it. Good times!)

Hope all is well with you loves.

They certainly don't prepare you for years like this...

I keep thinking back on all the classes I've taken in my life, all of the studying I've done, and all of the things I've crammed into my brain. And of all that, none of it is meant to help you deal with the loss of someone you love. None of it. There are no prep courses for it, there are no courses to take afterwards to learn how to deal. Sure, you can talk to a therapist or someone close to you, but it's not the same. It's healing in a different way. In the end, it's still you who has to put in the work and you who has to learn to grieve in your own way. It's unfair. It's totally unfair. And we're just stuck. Floating through life and having to experience these incredibly painful events so we can learn and grow and find our way out of the grief and back to the normalcy.

I read a story today about a young couple who met in college. After settling down together and making a life for themselves, they found out that one of them had a very rare form of cancer. You can read about most of it here.  But the jist of it is this...at 25, she lost the one person she loved more than anything in this world to a cancer that couldn't be defeated. The salt in the wound? He died six weeks after they got married. When I read the story and watched the videos that are attached, my heart sank. 6 weeks. 6 weeks of wedded bliss and part of that was spent in the hospital, with her husband's organs shutting down one by one.

It's hard to lose those we love who are in their 60s and 70s. Even in their 50s. But to lose your husband at 25? Unimaginable. I respect her and commend her for her bravery and courage to go through such a difficult time with a positive outlook and beautiful smile. And I pray that she finds happiness again.

Life is so incredibly short. It can literally fade from you in an instant. Whether it's a battle or something that comes naturally while you sleep, it only takes a matter of seconds for you to depart this world. I think I take that for granted on most days. I float through life with a nonchalant attitude and think that I'll be here tomorrow and the next day and for the next 25 years. But the truth is, I may not. And that's hard to swallow. Even more so when I think that my husband may not be here for the next 25 years. The remedy? I'm not sure. I could say something cliche like 'live life to the fullest' but what does that even mean? Instead, I'm going to live my life the way I think I should. And if that means spending all my money on things I want instead of days I may not see, so be it. If it means calling my husband 12 times a day just to hear his voice, so be it. Each of us has to find our own happiness and our own way to live our lives.

“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.” 
- Mark Twain

Funny how 7 months can change your life...

Jim and Frank in one of my favorite pictures.

Yesterday,. without any warning at all, we lost another dear friend, Frank. Frank was Jim's best friend and to say that they were two peas in a pod is an understatement. They were DESTINED to be friends. It was shocking enough to lose Jim, but then to turn around and lose Frank a mere 7 months later is devastating.

I have no words to describe the hole in my heart that these two amazing men have left. But I know that if I grow up to be even just a little bit like them, I'm a better person for it.

Farewell my loves. I'll see you again.

For Frank:


For Jim: YMCA

And for both of my loves, gone too early.


And for me....because I love them so.


"some are dead and some are living....in my life.....I've loved them all.."

Music......and RIP Levon Helm

I've said it about 4,000 times, but music is an important part of my life. It can lift me up when I'm feeling bad, or soothe my soul when I'm in despair. It's something I treasure dearly and I am proud that I'm not specific to one genre when I listen to music.

Levon Helm, age 71, passed away this week. And this is one of the songs I love that features him on drums and as a singer. Enjoy.



"He was my bosom buddy friend to the end, one of the last true great spirits of my or any other generation. This is just so sad to talk about. I still can remember the first day I met him and the last day I saw him. We go back pretty far and had been through some trials together. I’m going to miss him, as I’m sure a whole lot of others will too.”
-Bob Dylan

Jetpacks and fat kids...

So I found this picture a while back and it's kind of been haunting me. It's obviously meant for the future when we can in fact use jetpacks to fly around, but you get the point.

 

Here's why it's haunting me....I'm obviously not happy with myself right now. And in the grand scheme of things, babies probably aren't that far off for the hubster and I and it's started to get me kind of worried. I mean, obviously I'm not going to lose the amount of weight that I want to before I get pregnant. So now, on top of already being chubby, I'm going to be pregnant too. Which, is fine because I want to start a family, but sucks at the same time because it's going to make it that much harder to lose the weight post baby. Not everyone can be a rock star like my friend vanweezy (which is a compliment!) 

So if I can't learn to keep myself under control, how the hell am I going to keep my babies under control?! Oh life, why do you have to be so incredibly difficult? Luckily, I've got some amazing moms around me who seem to be keeping their babies well fed and not so chubby they couldn't have a jetpack. I plan on leaning on you a lot vanweezy and doccrocker! 

The diet is going okay, but some days, are just bad. I just want to eat carbs and sugar and pig out hard core! If I could dwindle down those days and have more cucumber and fruit days, my life would be a lot better, I know!

Here's the a healthier diet, more exercise and skinny  babies! 

"Strive for progress, not perfection"

 

My life as a jukebox

I've said it before and I'll say it again....I live my life with a string of songs constantly playing in my head. It's like my life has it's own score that is constantly playing in the background. Sometimes it gets pretty sappy....like today.

I was thinking about how much I love my husband and how important he is to me and this song was triggered in my brain. It is awesome 1) because it purely is awesome 2) because the lyrics are amazing, and 3) because I love the Everly Brothers.

I hope that everyone has songs that play in their mind from time to time and that each person has a song that reminds them of someone they love.



"So never leave me lonely, tell me you love me only....and that you'll always....let it be me"

Whoa....

This whole updating at home thing is not as easy as it sounds. Talk about demanding! Just kidding, obviously since I haven't been posting.

Working out is a struggle. Like how I didn't even sugar coat that...just jumped right in with my opinion? some weeks I feel awesome and I think I'm a total rock star and then other weeks I don't want to do anything. It sucks.

My sweet pea niece is growing so fast it's insane. I know that babies grow fast, but seeing her every week really makes it even more evident.

Work is good, life is good. This was just a quickie update to say what's up and I'll try to get better at posting.

hope things are well in your world as well!

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” 
-Oscar Wilde

Ummm yeah...

So as much as I hate to admit this, I often updated my blog at work, mostly on my lunch break. But, lately, they've put on a generic "social networking" block, which sadly, includes blogger. So....I can't update as often. Plus, I'm basically a 95 year old grandmother and I'm in bed way before I should be at 27. But that's an entirely different story.

SOOO much has happened, I'm not even sure where to start!
My niece is getting bigger and bigger every day! In fact, I got a text tonight that she rolled over for the first time!
She's going to be moving and grooving way before we're ready, I can tell already!

I have to brag a little and tell you that I took this picture!

My "nephew" is getting bigger and bigger! At 8 weeks! (wow, 8 weeks) he's so incredibly handsome already.
Check out these pics I snapped of him a few weeks ago!

How cute is it that he was hugging his bear??!?! I love this kid!

Exercising is going. It should probably be going better, but I'm the queen of excuses and find one often. Running is in high gear. Apparently now I'm going to run a 5k at the end of March too, so that kind of puts a lot more pressure on me to get in a good running pattern. If nothing else, April 15 will be here before I know it and I won't want to be the one that walks!

Eating right is going better than exercising. I still crave big juicy hamburgers from Whataburger, but......I resisted the urge tonight and ate some veggie lasagna instead! So, here's hoping I get to running what I want to run by March 30. If not, I'm kind of screwed!

“Success isn't how far you got, but the distance you traveled from where you started.”

Guilty pleasures...

I'm an adult. I know that, but I still have some underage guilty pleasures....like young adult tv shows and books.

I'm feeling a bit honest today so I thought I'd share some of my favorites with you so you can bask in the glory that are your guilty pleasures.

1) Twilight - you know I pre-ordered Breaking Dawn Part 1 on Amazon so it'll be IN MY MAILBOX tomorrow!

2) The Hunger Games - although there are a lot of adults on this band wagon
3) The Vampire Diaries - will Elena and Stefan hurry up and get back together, please? Good gravy!
 
Those are probably the three most embarrassing, except I'm not really embarrassed!  What are yours???