See ya later 2010!

I want to say: "see ya later 2010, don't let the door hit ya on the way out" but I don't want to start 2011 off on the wrong foot.

Here are some things that happened in 2010:

• I climbed 52 flights of stairs to fight lymphoma (even though I wanted to die at like 19)
• I celebrated my puppie's 6 year birthday (it was tough, shut it)
• I planned for and went to Costa Rica for my 2 year anniversary with the hubs
• I celebrated my 26th year of life. 
• I floated the river with good friends and the best family in the world
• I lost a good friend to his battle with cancer
• I observed the one year anniversary of my nephew's passing and mourned him all over again
• I got a sewing machine and finished a quilt I was given as a gift
• I went to a game for all of the porfessional sports in Dallas. 
• I stood by helplessly as my friend Colleen lost her mother to cancer
• I celebrated one of the best Christmases yet though still grieving for Colleen and for Preston

2010 was not my favorite year.  But today is the last day of 2010 and I'm looking forward to 2011.

Here are some things I hope to accomplish next year.

• Graduate with my MBA
• become an aunt for the third and fourth time
• being an honorary aunt for the second time (here's looking at you baby Crocker)
• Climb 52 flights of stairs
• get back into running (ugh)
• spend more time with friends
• spend more time with family
• go somewhere awesome (like BALI)
• learn something new

Here's wishing you and yours a most spectacular new year! Stay safe out there. We all know it's amateur night!

"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.”
-Bill Vaughn

I broke the rules....

This year the hubs and I weren't going to give presents, but I broke the rules and got him one anyway. Technically, it can be seen as a joint present because, if he so chooses, he can include me in his gift. Anyway, just wanted to share the super cute envelope I made for him.

And give me some credit...I'm at work and had to use the resources at my disposal.

See.....it's clever because it spells out his name in golf shapes. I think it might have something to do with golf but I'm not 100%.

Freedom of Religion

I'm not going to get into this too much here, but I wanted to share this blog post. I find it very relevant and I wholeheartedly agree.

Take some time to read it if you'd like.


http://www.ottawacitizen.com/life/need+freedom+religion/4002627/story.html

internet safety protocol

so I read the posts on this one website on a rather regular basis -- mostly because they show up in my Google Reader feed. Anyway, the site reddit, allows people to post "news as it's happening" and other random things that please people. The past two days, there have been posts about meeting up in certain cities so that the poster can buy you a meal (if you're in need and hungry this season) and sending amazon toy orders to kids if the family is in need.

The second one I would have participated in had I known about it before it was too late (this morning was too late because the package wouldn't get there in time for Christmas). The first one though is where I pause and have to wonder if I'd really be willing to meet up with someone I didn't kinow and buy them dinner. Here's my concern: the world is a scary place. People are scary and can do some scary things in times of need. THE WORLD IS A SCARY PLACE.

I want to participate in things like this. I want to feel like I could confidently post the same thing and offer my help or a meal to someone in need, but I'm just flat out too chicken shit to do it. I'm terrified that I would put myself out there and offer to buy someone dinner and then they'd show up with a knife and stab me for my $20. It's rather sad when you think about it, but it's true....I'm terrified that I'd be killed rather than spend an enjoyable evening at dinner with a stranger.

Am I the only one out there who doesn't think it's such a good idea to offer a meal to a random person on a website? Do I have unrealistic fears of stabbing deaths when people aren't all bad? (Or is it that they'd shoot me not stab me, I mean, come on, it is almost 2011).

I just don't see the most good in people anymore. I see mostly bad. And it saddens me.

Stinky feet and facebook defriendings

So I thought today it might be best to get back to my normal blog radnomness than to keep it down and sad anymore.

So....stinky feet.

I hate it when you pull your shoes off to either sit on your feet, or prop your feet up on the box of unused paper that you keep under your desk and you smell feet. My feet aren't seriously stinky, but apparently in this one pair of shoes, they are leaving a stinch. What is up with that? I'm guessing it has more to do with the type of fabric in the shoe than my actual feet because well, everything about me always smells lovely.

Facebook defriending -- I'm making it my mission to clean up my facebook and a large part of that is defriending people. Sure, it could be seen as cruel and like I'm heartless but I think more than anything else it's simply what it is -- a clean up. There are friends that I went to high school with that I haven't actually seen in person since high school -- do we really need to be facebook friends? Probably not. And there are people that I just don't care to have access to my life anymore. I mean, really, what's the point?

So if you got defriended...sorry. Maybe send me a message and we can re-connect.

thats because you're alive....

So in a totally dumb move, I rented and watched Charlie St. Cloud yesterday. I had read the book because I'm a total sucker for a good, sad book. And it came through. Although, the ending does help the sadness some and you feel good after you read it.

In the movie, there was a line that I don't necessarily remember from the book:
"I hurt as bad as the day you died"
"That's because you're alive"

Oh how true those words are. I know that my loved ones are in a much better place than they were when they were here. I know that my loved ones were in pain when they were still in this life and that their passing was truly a blessing. But I'm not naive and I know that's not always the case. I know that sometimes people die for no reason whatsoever. Or the reason doesn't come to us right away. There are devastating car accidents. Unexplained deaths in the night. And diseases and circumstances that take our loved ones way too soon at tender ages. But this line really hit home with me. "that's because you're alive". It's bittersweet, isn't it? Sweet because you get to continue your life. You are here to live on and we all have those moments of wanting to change and be a better person because we don't want our loved ones death to be in vain. we have such grand notions of how we're going to change our lives for them. In memory of them. And bitter, oh so bitter, because we have to continue our lives without them. We have to carry on. Because, after all, we are still here. We put on brave faces and tell ourselves that we were given a second chance, a blessing to still be here when the same thing could have and might eventually happen to us. But it doesn't make it any better. Sometimes, we want to be the one who passed instead.

I felt that way a lot after Preston died. Not because I'm ready to leave this life or my loved ones but because my heart hurt knowing that I had experienced things that he hadn't. That he should have. An everlasting love. A best friend to call my own. A husband. I know Preston was loved and loved, but I wish so much that he could have experienced the love of another that way that I have for the past 6 years. (10 if we're being honest).

But he's gone. And I'm here. My grandfather is gone and I'm here. My aunt is gone and I'm here. My sweet, sweet baby nephew is gone and I'm here.

And as I'm writing this, my dear friend Colleen is praying for her mom's suffering to end and for her to pass peacefully sometime today. The day of her deceased father's birthday. He would have been 55. There are no words to describe how badly I wish I could take this pain from her. There are no words I can give her because I've never lost a parent and now she's about to lose her only parent. How is that even fair?

And I know that my best friend is silently suffering and not telling anyone because I know her and I know that this Christmas marks the 6 year anniversary of her step-father's passing. There are no words I can give her either other than to tell her that she's still here. We're still here. 

Take this holiday season to tell the ones you love how much you love them. You just never know when their last breath is going to come. You never know the regrets you might feel if you don't. And as for the ones we love that are no longer here with us, remember that it hurts this bad because we're still alive. We're here. We should do nothing less than make the best of our time here and cherish their memory. Live for them instead of in spite of. Treasure the fact that we're still here. Treasure this chance we've been given to continue on. Even though the sting is sometimes too much to bear, we have to because it'd be a slap in their face to not treasure every minute of this life.

So to my faithful followers, I love you. I love that you are always there for me when I need you and that you have become the best parts of my life. You mean the world to me and I'm here for you no matter what happens.

“The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.”
-Mitch Albom

taxes...taxes...taxes....

let's talk about this tax thing.....so they extended the tax breaks for another two years. Or at least, it looks like that is what is going to happen because both the House and the Senate approved the bill. Hmm. Let's think about this. We're trillions of dollars in debt. We owe more money than we can possibly imagine to China, and we're going to bitch about taxes? Really? Especially when the issue here is that the tax breaks would have remained in place for most middle class Americans and really would have only been raised for the wealthiest of the wealthy? Hmm. I just can't wrap my brain around how this makes sense.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to pay higher taxes anymore than the next guy, but I also don't want to have to learn Chinese and pray that China doesn't come over here and kick our arses. Plus, okay, I'm kind of of the mindset that if you make more money than God, you should pay taxes that are suitable to your income. I get taxed based on my income so why shouldn't they have to pay similar amounts based on the insane amount of money that they make? Seems totally legit to me.

I tell ya, if I were a politician, I'd do such a better job. I think our leaders are lacking very simple common sense. I know that they say they're "looking out for their constituents" but what they don't see is that they're going to make the United States fall from her super power status and go below Japan, China, heck maybe even Switzerland! (arbitrary country pick).

Someone please help us. We've lost our way and we're going to pay for it so terribly in the end. It's frightening.

It's not all brusselspourts and rain....

I feel as if my posts lately have been kind of....well, depressing. I know that mostly they've just been honest. Times are tough sometimes and there's just not much we can do about that.

But, it's not all brusselsprouts and rain in my life. So, here are some good things:

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE
I'm also excited because my sister in law and brother in law are gracing me with ANOTHER baby!!! WOO HOO! Looks like I'll be an Aunt again before I become a mommy....oh well! 

• I'm excited about Christmas! I don't normally get too excited about this holiday, but for some reason, this year i'm excited. I even over decorated even though nobody has been over to see it. 
• I'm excited about baby Poppy! I'm so glad that Poppy is sticking around and hope that he/she is born on June 11!
• I'm excited that my nephew by choice, Joseph James is growing up so quickly and so healthy! He's a pure delight and I love him! 
• I'm excited that my best friends have almost been married for 6 months! time flies when you're in love!
• I'm excited that my parents were able to take a super fun vacation to Kuaui and came back sounding like they really enjoyed themselves. 
• I'm excited about all the people who are going to participate in the Big D Climb though my own participation is wavering --I'm not sure how to get through it without Preston being there
• I'm excited about 2011 because I'll be finishing up my MBA and might be that much closer to starting a family. (SHH!)
• I'm excited about the changes happening in my job place......not sure what direction they're going to head in next, but I'm excited about it!

Even though it seems as though my garden of brusselsprouts is overtaking my life....there are a lot of sun beams and daisies out there too.


"Human beings, vegetables, or cosmic dust - we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible piper."
  ~Albert Einstein, in The Saturday Evening Post, 26 October 1929

I think I'm just having a hard time hearing my piper.........

Life is short but sweet for certain....

"celebrate we will for life is short but sweet for certain"

one of my all time favorite songs includes this verse. When I was younger, I knew that it meant I should "eat drink and be merry. for tomorrow we die" (same artist) but as I've gotten older,  I've taken it to mean something different. Something more like: you never know when you or someone you love will take their last breath on this earth, so you should enjoy every single minute of time you get with them. Life is too short to dwell on bad things or arguments. We aren't given enough time to show the people we love how much we love them, so we should try to show them every day instead of waiting until their final moments with us. I know this is heading in the Debbie Downer direction, but stay with me.

This past week, my friend Colleen found out that her mom's stomach cancer was flaring up again and at this point, her mom is tired of fighting it. She's tired of being in pain and in hospitals, and she's done. Just flat out done. I don't know how one is supposed to respond to hearing that your mom no longer has the will to fight a terrible, terrible disease. Unforatunately, this hits all too close to home for both Colleen and I as we lost our dear friend Preston barely four months ago. I've known Colleen for several years, but our friendship didn't blossom until well after we met. I consider her a very dear friend and there are days, I'd be lost without her. She is stronger than she thinks she is and a gift to those around her. I know that my words are meaningless at this point, but I'm here and I don't know what more can be done other than that.

My friend Janet contacted me to hear more about Colleen's situation and to express her condolensces. As we began talking, she informed me that some dear friends of hers lost their almost 2 year old daughter the night before. LOST THEIR ALMOST 2 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER THE NIGHT BEFORE. My heart stopped. If onyl for a second, my heart stopped beating and a small piece of it broke. I don't know Janet's friends who are having to endear such a terrible terrible trauma, but I know Janet. And I know that she associates with good, genuine, down to earth people and that if they were hurting, she was hurting. I know that we both know there are no words to describe the heartache we feel for them or for Colleen, but that doesn't mean that we don't try to console them in whatever way possible. I know Janet will be there for her friends because that's the kind of person she is. She stands by you through thick and thin and helps out wherever she can.

It's been almost four months since we lost Preston. I still can't delete his phone number from my phone. I still can't remove his friendship from Facebook. It's like it paralyzes me to think of him not existing. I know he's gone, but it's like having him in my phone or on my Facebook friend list keeps him here, with me. I know that someday I'll get a new phone or something will happen and his number will no longer be there, but I'm just not ready for that day.

I feel like little pieces of my heart keep chipping away with each passing month. And normally, there would be time for healing. I'd be able to sew it back up and heal it before another piece chipped away. So far, that hasn't been true these past 6 or more months. Is it possible for your heart to chip too much? For it to be so broken that it is beyond repair?

"celebrate we will for life is short but sweet for certain"

Be there for the ones you love. No matter what the circumstance. you never know when they're going to need you the most.

2010 on the cusp of 2011

Read this. 

Now someone please explain to me why in almost 2011 we are still hearing of hate crimes? Especially hate crimes against mentally disabled people? It absolutely disgusts me that there are still people out there who are willing to hurt and attack people simply based on the color of their skin. I do nto live in Farmington, NM and I have never been to Farmington, NM, but at what point do you decide that just because someone is not the same race as you, they deserve to be branded, drawn on and embarrassed? The thing that irks me the most and makes me want to scream the most is the fact that the boy in this attack probably didn't even understand why he was being attacked or the purpose behind the crime. It breaks my heart.

At some point America, we have to realize that what we're doing to each other before we start to worry about how the rest of the world sees us and what we're going to do to "better" the global community. We can't even handle our own communities right now and that's just flat out pathetic.

Older than my obvious years

 

I think I'm older than my years give me credit for. I think that my soul, or my inner being, or whatever you want to think is occupying this shell of a body, is much older than the body it inhabits. Why do I think these things, you ask? Well, mostly because of my ability to connect and interact with people older than me, and because, I've just kind of always thought it might be possible that my soul was older than me. 

My entire life, I've never had a hard time talking to people who are older than me. Not even significantly older. It's always been kind of easy. Sure, when I was younger, I wanted to talk about me and only me, but as I've grown older, I'd like to think that I've learned the best way to communicate with different people about different things. I am still show my immaturity, or lack of wisdom that comes with years of life, but I think for the most part, I'm a lot older than my years give me credit for. Maybe it's just a weird vibe that I'll always have, or maybe it's because generally, I'm nice, no matter who you are, but I think I might always feel like I'm an old soul....even when my body catches up. 

This one isn't necessarily related, but I like it. 

"Everything is based on mind, is led by mind, is fashioned by mind. If you speak and act with a polluted mind, suffering will follow you, as the wheels of the oxcart follow the footsteps of the ox. Everything is based on mind, is led by mind, is fashioned by mind. If you speak and act with a pure mind, happiness will follow you, as a shadow clings to a form."

-Buddha

To sew or not to sew....

I have a small fetish with sewing things. The only problem is, the only sewing machine I ever use is my grandmother's and that requires going to her house. BUT last night, one of my very dear friends gave me a sewing machine!! GAVE IT TO ME!!! I couldn't be more excited! I can now finish the quilt I've been working on and hopefully make some other fun stuff!!! I'm so excited. I wanted to pee in my pants last night, but I refrained. :)

Here's to many happy hours behind the sewing machine! And fun stuff!

slow and steady wins the race?!

 ....this is my new work out technique....thoughts?

Welp friends, it's been a slow start. But, baby steps are still steps. And in my case, they're mostly in the right direction.

I started running yesterday and last week I made it to both pilates classes. I plan on going tonight although I've got a pretty raging headache. Anywho-- the point is, I'm trying. I went to pilates. We got the treadmill set up this weekend so I ran on that last night and plan on running on it again tomorrow -- tonight if I don't go to pilates. Also in my spare time last night. I went to the grocery store and got most of the ingredients on week 1's menu. Should be interesting to say the least.

Anyway -- that's all I've got right now. I'll keep you posted!

"Listen closely: the only time it's too late to change yourself is when you're dead. Until then, you're simply making excuses or lying to yourself."

A friend like her....

This morning, my best friend's husband told me that my best friend and I fight more than a married couple. While, it seems unfunny and hard to imagine...there are times when we get into little spats. I wouldn't necessarily call them fights, but whatev.

They seem to happen most when we don't see each other for long periods of time. I think that it's because we don't want to admit that we miss each other, so we just get irritated with the other one.

But despite the fact that we get into spats and "fight more than a married couple" I love her. She's often my rock in times of squish. My light in the darkness. The wind beneath my wings. The apple of my eye. My diamond in the ruff. All those silly things we all say about someone at some point. If I had more than one soul mate, she's definitely the girl counterpart to my husband.

Even though we go through hard times, I know she'll always be there for me. I know she's my best friend through thick and thin, through good times and bad.

I hope each and every one of you have a friend like her.

"A friend knows the song in my heart and sings it back to me when my memory fails"

a little help from Mother Teresa...

Mother Teresa had the following words written on a wall in a children's home in Calcutta, India. The words are adapted from Dr. Kent Keith's Pardoxical Commandments.

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self centered.
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may acuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you.
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight.
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough.
Give the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; it was never between you and them anyway.

at what point do you get a break!?!??!

ever notice that it  seems like no two parts of your life can be in happiness at the same time?
I know at some point, things were good in all aspects of my life. I loved my job, I loved my friends, I loved my family. Lately though, it seems like if I love my family too much, my friendships suffer. Or if I love my job too much my family suffers. And if I like my friends too much, my job suffers. It just seems like this never ending stabbing that I can't overcome.

It's like the universe is constantly keeping score for me and if my score gets too high, it slaps me back down saying "no, no, no, you're not allowed to get that high." It's so frustrating!

On top of all this, I've been feeling very insecure with myself lately. I feel like I'm not measuring up to what I'm supposed to be, not only professionally, but personally too. I constantly feel like I'm letting someone down and not doing what's best for the universe. It's so exhausting. Last night I literally cried myself to sleep because I could not come up with a better plan. things from the day were weighing heavily on me and I got into a fight with one of my most treasured friends. It was just a rough night. I was already feeling worn down by the day and the events of the week but last night it felt like it all came to a head and all I could do was cry. Normally, crying is a release. A release of stress and pint up anger that floods from my eyes and makes me feel better. Last night, it was the opposite. It was like I was crying because I had no way out of a bottomless pit. I just keep falling.

Maybe this doesn't make sense to anyone, or maybe it does. I'm not really in the mood to figure out if this is going to be an enlightening post or not. Just had some things to get off my chest I guess.

Well poo....

So I kind of sort of forgot that I am supposed to be updating my loyal 5 readers on the progress of the weight.

Well folks, it isn't great this week. I kind of sort of fell off the wagon. It was a busy weekend followed by a busy week and that just stinks. BUT there is light at the end of this very dark tunnel.

A friend of mine who happens to be a nutritionist wrote a pre-diabetic diet plan for me! (BIG SMILES!) I do a lot better when I have something to follow so I think this is really going to help me get on the right bandwagon and on the healthy path.

Also, we're purchasing a treadmilll this weekend so that will help too! YAY big smiles again!

So this time next week, expect a better report. I will not let you down!

Random Thursday Thoughts

1. It's totally cool that the Rangers lost last night because I have every reason to believe that they will bring the series back to Texas and beat the crap out of the Yankees. They deserve it, and the Yankees can suck it. 
2. Vitamins taste like poop. I don't like put them in my mouth and let them melt or anything, but for the 2.5 seconds that they are in my mouth, they taste like poop! I hate it! Why can't they taste better? And  no, I don't want to take the gummies or Flinstones. They taste bad either way. I'm not lowering myself to gummy standard. 
3. I think things are picking up in life. I think good things are afoot and it's exciting! 
4. I'm seriously tired of being on antibiotics, but thankfully, I'm almost done. 
5. I've worked out twice in two days and it felt good. I'm going to keep rolling with this work out thing I think. I know, two days not very impressive, but hey, two days leads to 200. :)
6. Today's is Colleen's birthday. I wish we lived closer so we could get together for lunch or something. 
7. Going to Arkansas this weekend. Mixed emotions. Hopefully sis in law's sorority is filled with nice, non-judgmental girls!
8. I really hope lots of kiddos show up to Trunk or Treat next weekend. The hubs and I are part of a 6 person leadership team for it and if it doesn't go well that will SUCK!!!
9. My grams is the best! She made a poodle skirt for me for said trunk or treat. Yesterday she tells me "It looks really cute. I did a really good job" made me giggle. 
10. I sure am tired today. I slept well, but the hubs got up at like 4 and that seriously puts a damper on your morning. Thank goodness for Mt.Dew at 7:00AM!

Discrimination.....is it really 2010?

First, I'll apologize that all three of these articles are from CNN. Normally, I do a much better job of getting things from different places, but CNN is my first choice and these were all on there this morning -- so sorry.
Read this. Read this. Read this.

Here's my problem with article #1 - Mexico did "occupy" the Southwest United States before it became the United States. I'm not sure how teaching a class that focuses on that America is necessarily teaching children to support Mexico and not the US. How is it different than teaching Texas history in middle school? Texas was once it's own country -- should we stop teaching that so that Texas students don't get the wrong idea and end up trying to revolt against America and secede? That sounds kind of silly, now doesn't it? I don't see how just because a state has a large Hispanic population, and teaches some classes that give more history about Mexico, it's causing a problem. Don't they deserve to know about their heritage the same as the white kids who learn about the small-pox bearing English that came over and started the colonies? Obviously Arizona has been in the lead when it comes to illegal immigration crackdown, and while I'm not saying that illegal immigration is the right path, I don't see how teaching them a class about Mexico's history prior to the formation of the United States is going to push them into some kind of riot mentality. Dear Arizona: you're dumb.

Here's my problem with article #2 - being gay doesn't mean that you're a bad leader. And it certainly shouldn't mean that you are not allowed to participate in your son's chosen club. If the Scouts are really concerned with teaching the boys values, then I think they should re-evaluate their values. I highly doubt the dad was trying to convert the boys to homosexuality. From what it sounds like, he was merely trying to sell popcorn. I have a hard time believing that the dad's sexual orientation affected his leadership in any way. And I have a hard time believing that in 2010 we still have such hateful, prejudiced organizations. Not to mention their response which I think was rude and blatantly offensive. Dear Boy Scouts of America: you've officially lost my vote and future support. Grow up.

And here's my problem with article #3 - SERIOUSLY AMERICA? Why is this even still an issue? Being a homosexual doesn't mean that you can't be the best solider there is. It doesn't mean that you're any less of a human being, or that you're going to go to war simply to hit on all the male/female soliders you can find. I know from personal stories of friends that the hook-ups over there are crazy. Insane even. Everyone together for such long periods of time only naturally leads to people hooking up....it's to be expected. So, if the military is worried about anything, maybe they should be worried about female soldiers getting impregnanted by male soldiers -- male soldiers who might have wives and families at home. Or why don't they worry about soldiers passing diseases back and forth amongst themselves? That seems like more of a concern to me than whether the hook-ups are same sex or oppopsite sex. I think that the government appealing this is blatant discrimination and I'm honestly embarrassed that we're still dealing with issues like this. At what point do we say "it's enough!" Homosexuals are not second class citizens and they deserved to be treated the same as you and me. It shouldn't matter who you love or whether you're attracted to boys or girls. What should matter is the type of person you are. And if you're gay, and you're brave enough to serve in our military, to protect MY freedom....then I think you have every right to be there. If you're a dingleberry who is putting people in harm's way rather than saving them....well, then we should talk. Dear America: GROW UP! Homosexuality does not make you less of a person nor does it mean that you shouldn't be allowed to serve in our armed forces. Men and women VOLUNTEER to go over there. Unless you're willing to go, I suggest you stop trying to put restrictions on who can and cannot serve......plus, you're making us look like a bunch of dumbasses.

discrimination -

treatment or consideration of, or making a distinction in favor of or against, a person or thing based on the group, class, or category to which that person or thing belongs rather than on individual merit: racial and religious intolerance and discrimination.

I hope and pray that more people will see that there is blatant discrimination happening right under our noses and start standing up for the people who are being discriminated against. It's 2010. Don't you think we should start acting like it? 

Going through changes.......

It's probably not a surprise that my life is in somewhat of a changing pattern lately. It's funny because I always say that I'm not the best with changes, but the past year or so has been nothing but changes. Changes in job, changes in life planning, changes in family, changes...changes...changes....

I guess it's naive to think that you can stay in one place for a long time and be impervious to change. Eventually, time catches up to us all and change happens whether we're ready for it or not. It seems as though the time in my life where there is protection from the storms is over and now, there will be more life challenges and more life lessons ahead. Althought it's a change I'm not 100% keen on accepting, I know that I have to whether I want to or not. The brutal truth is: life gets more difficult as you get older; not easier. Decisions get harder, friends get tougher to lose, and friends get harder to hold onto. I guess it's simply the facts of life.

So, I'm making a mental change to compliment all the changes I can't seem to avoid. I'm going to embrace change rather than shriek from it. I'm going to accept the fact that the carefree days of my youth are over and now it's time to be an adult and face adult problems head on. (pause: did anyone think of those stupid head on commercials just now? I totally did!) I'm going to love the ones I love more than ever because the one change I now is inevitable is the change of life into death. It will happen to all of us. That's why it's so important to cherish the moments we have with the ones we love. Hold them close and tell them how much they mean to us at every opportunity. Have fun. I'm going to stop worrying about the future so much and remind myself that the future will get here when it gets here. Obviously, I'm not going to quit working on my nest egg or plan for a life of never retiring, but there are changes that can be implemented that allow fun and saving at the same time. I'm going to change my opinion about weird things and be more open minded. Like to eating awkward foods that I don't think belong together! Or to trying out a new band or new fad that I didn't think I'd like. I'm going to try and say yes more and no less. And quit thinking that there aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done. There's always time for what you want to do....somehow, you always manage to fit those things in.

I know I've hit on some of these before, but I'm really going to try and change my philosophy on life. I think it will help me emotionally, physically, and mentally become a better person. Change isn't always a bad thing.....change sometimes lead us to better. Here's hoping that change leads me down a path of enlightenment!


"Without accepting the fact that everything changes, we cannot find perfect composure.  But unfortunately, although it is true, it is difficult for us to accept it.  Because we cannot accept the truth of transience, we suffer."
  ~Shunryu Suzuki

Week 1 Report

Welp. Week 1 of being accountable for myself and my hamstermouse body was okay. Weighed in the same this morning as last week, but that's okay, but honestly, I could've done a lot better than I did and I know that going into this week.....so....this week WILL be better.

Not much else to say at this point so there is the update........Feel free to criticize! :) Happy Monday!

today has just been one of those mornings....

you know, the kind where for some reason or another different things are taking your breath away? Or something makes you pause and think....hmm, that's different. Today is kind of like that. Only today, instead of it being a moment of awe or something unique that's causing the pause, it's more things I've been missing and didn't realize I was.

I miss my aunt's goofy phone calls and birthday sing a longs. I miss the way she never failed to tell me I was beautiful even though for the past oh, 6 years of her life, she couldn't even see my face. I missed being forced to watch Spanish novellas because it was the only thing her TV seemed to tune to. I miss the huge stocking that she would fill with the most random crap every year for Christmas.

I miss my grandpa's smell. I miss his smile. I miss his bear hugs and his "hey darlins." I miss seeing his face light up when he would see my dad for the first time in a long time. I miss seeing my dad's face light up when he would see my grandfather for the first time in a long time.

I miss Preston's laugh. I miss his random storm update text messages with radar images attached letting me know where the storm is heading and when to take cover. I miss his random goofy comments that always seem to come at just the right time....when the day was at it's worst or life just seemed tough.

I miss them.

I guess the ray of light in this morning of seemingly miserableness is that I miss them, but I'm okay with it. I know that these memories and things that I miss about my loved ones are what remind me of them and are the things that I can hold onto day in and day out and know that I loved them and they loved me. Sure, it doesn't make up for the fact that they're not here to sing me happy birhday, or give me a big bear hug, or send me the perfect joke on the worst day.....but they are. If I close my eyes just tight enough, I can still see all of them. I can still hear their voices and I can sometimes pick up their scent. It's weird, but I feel like they're always here with me, even though they're not here for me to touch and feel.

I don't pretend to understand what is going to happen to us when we die. I do believe that this life, this body, is just temporary and that my soul will some how endure. I hope that my soul finds their souls in whatever type of afterlife there might be. It sure would be nice to see their faces one more time.


Life is eternal, and love is immortal,
and death is only a horizon;
and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight.
~Rossiter Worthington Raymond

I just don't get it.....

I just cannot understand how people can support some Republican/Tea Party candidates. I'm fully aware that we live in a free country and people are allowed to have whatever views and opinions that they want, but sweet jebus some of these people are absolutely frapping insane!

Example one: Carl Paladino. He is running for Governor of New York and the dude is INSANE. He has said, and I quote, “I just think my children and your children would be much better off and much more successful getting married and raising a family, and I don’t want them brainwashed into thinking that homosexuality is an equally valid and successful option — it isn’t.” My personal beliefs do not allow me to believe that homosexuals cannot raise the same type of families as straights -- they can and they have. Second, heterosexual marriages aren't exactly a shining example of what should be--come on dude, the divorce rate is like 50% I think our kids deserve every opportunity to make that better, whether it's with a same-sex partner or not! Not only does he have  a whack position on homosexuals, but he also accused his opponent of having no family values because he took his children to a gay pride parade......but Paladino has a 10 year old son from an extramarital affair with his former employee--- not sure you should be the one on the soapbox preaching family values dude -- I think you're missing some of the message.

Example two: Christine O'Donnell. She's running for Senator in Delaware and she scares me. She had a conversation on MTV where she said that masturbation is adultery.....She supports abstinence but has a very colorful past, and apparently thinks that her opponent is a bearded Marxist...I don't disbelieve that she has probably dabbled in some things in her past and now realizes that she was wrong and is "born again". That's cool. More power to her. But don't try to preach on it to other people-- I hate that. I didn't watch the debates last night but I've heard that they were quite interesting. My favorite part of her campaign is that she is attacking the Dems on budget and finance issues, but apparently her personal finances are in disarray. I find it hard to believe someone is going to help the situation when they cannot and have not helped themselves. Those are just my personal opinions though and are not endorsed! :)

I dont think that Republicans are wrong or stupid or anything like that. I have some very intelligent friends who are Republicans. I don't think Democrats are the answer to everything either, and I understand that having both is a healthy balance for the country. But  I don't understand how these two are getting any support. They're just flat out dumb. Each person is entitled to their own beliefs, and opinions, yes, but good grief people....could you least calm down on the crazy a little bit and then run for office? I just wish that we could find some normalcy in these elections. Aren't there some average, middle-aged Americans who want to run for these positions instead of just the wack-os? Or am I alone there?

PS -- this was issue #3 from yesterday that I couldn't remember!!!! 

Some ranting and raving and a plea for your help...

Let's get the annoying things out there first:

1. I cannot stand people who cut other people off when they know the lay out of the road. Example: I have to get on the highway every morning to make it to work. In order to do so, I have to wait in a long line of cars to enter the on-ramp.  Some douchebags prefer to drive in the middle lane until the smallest of openings appears in the left lane and then they cut off everyone who has been waiting patiently to enter the highway. IT ANNOYS ME. Mostly because I see a lot of the same people doing it EVERY DAY. What makes you any more important than me? The fact that you know I'm not going to ram you because I don't want the claim on my insurance!? I HATE IT. And I want to flip them off but unfortunately I don't because it's early and I don't feel quite that bitchy yet. 
2. Bandwagon sports fans. As you know, our beloved Texas Rangers have made it past the divisional series and are now on their way to the next round of playoff games!!! WOOT WOOT! This morning as I'm warming up my yummy oatmeal, I hear someone say "Yeah, I'm a Rangers fan. I mean, the Cowboys aren't doing anything so.." Ok. First rule of sports talk....it doesn't make you a fan just because you've decided to watch them play in the playoffs. You are a bandwagon fan and you suck! I have watched the Rangers for YEARS. YEARS! and I have stood by them through good times and through bad (mostly bad, let's face it). But I AM a Rangers FAN and I can say that because I have been heartbroken with them and excited with them. You on the other hand, probably don't even know who plays what position! ASSHATS!
3. I had a third but I forgot it. Maybe I'll remember before the end of this post...

 Here's where I need your help all ye in internet land:
As most of you know because I know most of you, I am climbing 1,040 steps in honor of my friend Preston this January. (January 29, 2011 to be exact). I need your help! I would LOVE if you would choose to come walk with me and all of Preston's friends for this event. But if you cannot, then you can simply donate in his honor on my page! (sneaky, right?) I know that most of us are young and money is a precious commodity, but Preston was an amazing person and he deserves to live on in whatever ways possible. He believed in the work that the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society does and he supported our fundraising efforts for them. The Big D Climb is an event put on by LLS and all donations will be given to them. If you think you might want to donate, go to this page: http://ntx.bigdclimb.llsevent.org/tiffytrox. If you think you might want to commit to climbing 1,040 steps, go to www.bigdclimb.org and look around. If you choose to do so, sign up with Team KLOZW and team captain Derek Trabon. We'll be there and we know Preston will be at the top waiting for us. 

Still don't remember what rant #3 was...boo.  

FAT BABY MOUSE!

 

Now that I have your attention............so I'm currently in the middle of a recovery. Recovery from what may or may not have been strep throat and a deadly sinus infection. Okay, okay, not deadly like Deadliest Catch, but deadly to me. I feel like bunghole and I think that should count as deadly. So, for my purposes, it will. 

I posted the picture of the fat baby mouse (although I think it's a hamster) because I kind of feel like the hamstermouse lately. I don't think I'm as overweight as the hamstermouse, but definitely weight more than I need to or should. HARSH. Man, it's harsh to say those words out loud. 


Anywho....I cam to a revelation while lying on my couch for 7 days (not really 7, but like 5) while coughing out my insides and praying that my throat would stop burning so bad.....I need to live a healthy lifestyle. SERIOUSLY. Is it going to change the fact that I get 100 sinus infections a year? Well..maybe not that seems to be more anatomy than anything else, but it might help with the mental health, with the tiredness, and the general lull that I feel every day about this time. And hey, if nothing else, it'll get me into nice pre-baby shape so that when it is time for baby making, I can feel good about the body that my baby is going to live in for 10 months. 


So, here's what I promise to my 5 readers: I will update you once a week. I'm not going to tell you starting weight and all that (unless I get super skinny and then maybe) but I'll tell you if any pounds were lost that week and what I think I could've done better for the week. Deal? And what you do my faithful five is tell me where you think I should pay more attention. It's going to be a slow start pals, probably mostly eating habits followed by exercise habits, but we'll get there. I think this was the final wake-up call that I needed. I can't keep pretending like Taco Bueno is good for you. It's just not. No matter how you cut the cheese. (pun intended!:))


So.... I weighed myself this morning and it sucked. But so far, I've had a granola bar, some chips (bad robot) and 1/2 cup brown rice, 1/2 chicken breast and 2 spears of asparagus. Other than the chips, the day is going pretty well. I plan on having salmon and some veggie for dinner. Maybe couscous but probably salad or something. 

Anywho...I think Mondays or Sundays will probably be the day for updates. We'll just have to play with it and see how it goes. 


"For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza!"
Jay Leno
tee hee. Oh and if you're ever feeling bad about yourself google fat and click on images.....wow.

Not the brightest bulb in the box....

I'll admit it. Sometimes, I do stupid things. *gasp*. I know, it's unbelievable!

Sunday night was one such instance. You see, I was driving along, rocking out with the windows off and the breeze blowing through the Jeep. I was turning onto a side street heading to the gas station when I heard someone yelling at me to stop. So, I slow down, look around and try to figure out what the heck is going on. Turns out that a guy needed a ride down the street. For the sake of humanity, I'm going to leave out ethnicity here because it doesn't really matter. The root of the story is still the same.

Anyway, for whatever reason, I stop and decide to give the guy a ride about 1/4 a mile down the road. At first, I wasn't scared. I thought "people used to do this all the time, it's no big deal, it's just down the road." But then, my imagination got the better of me and I felt myself press the accelerator down just a little bit harder than I had been before. I feel my stomach tensing up and I can only imagine what my face must have looked like to the guy in my car. I start working through what I'll do if he mugs me. What I'll do if he pulls a gun out. What I can give him to save my life and make it home in one piece. I start working through every scenario. Which, of course, only scares me that much more.

Luckily, we get to the gas station and he gets out, and no harm is done. Whether he had intentions of harming me, I'm not sure. But, I'm safe and can continue with my life unscaved.

What disappoints me about this situation is not my stupidity in stopping to pick up a stranger who happened to be male. What gets me is that we live in a society where people are afraid to stop and help. We're afraid that the guy with the flat tire is really just doing it so he can pull a gun on us and take all our money. Or we're worried that giving someone a ride down the road will end in a mugging. We're too afraid to stop most of the time; at least, I know I am. So yeah, it probably wasn't smart to stop and pick up a strange male from the side of the road. I know that. I probably won't do it again because I did a pretty good job of scaring the ever living daylights out of myself. But it breaks my heart that we live in world where we're scared to stop and give someone in need of a helping hand.

They don't teach you this in elementary school....

To say that the last year has been hard is a gross understatement. To say that it's been unbearable is probably an overstatement although it's felt unbearable at times.

Last Wednesday, my friend Colleen found out that her mother's cancer is back. I've known Colleen for a while, but in the past few years, we have grown close and I've learned a lot more about her. I've had the pleasure of meeting her mom and stepdad, and they are truly magnificient people. Colleen is amazingly strong and loyal and although this is going to be the second toughest thing she's ever had to experience, I know that she will come through this a strong person.

What bothers me about this is that Colleen and I are the same age. And yet, we've lived completely opposite lives. Colleen lost her father when she was very young to a heart problem that may or may not have been caught sooner. And  now, Colleen is on the verge of losing her mother. Her only remaining parent. She will be an orphan at 27. I can't even pretend to understand what she is going through or to understand how she needs me right now or will need me in the future. All I can know is that I cannot take this away for her or make it any easier for her. I can just be. Just be there for her and tell her every second of every day how important she is to me and how much her friendships means to me.

My friend Janet recently lost a friend of the family to breast cancer. Although a lot of men and women survive their battles with breast cancer, the fate of Diane was not to be the same. From what I understand, she fought a hard battle. From what I know based on strories Janet and her sister have told me, she was an amazing woman. And from what I know by spending time with her daughters, she was an amazing mom as well. Although like me, Janet has dealth with difficult battles before, this was different because Diane did not come out of it the victor. Diane was laid to rest this past Saturday.

The thing that gets me about life is this: when it rains, it pours. I will admit that up until this past year, I had a fairly fantastic life.  I had a guy who loved me and wanted me to be his for forever more. I had amazing friends and family who stood by through anything and everything and helped me get through tough days so I didn't have to do it alone. My life hadn't been marked by tragedy. I hadn't experienced anything horrific. All in all, my life was grand. The thing about life though, it seems to kick you in the teeth when you let yourself get slightly too cocky. And boy did it ever.

I know that bad things happen to good people. I know that bad things will continue to happen no matter what I do in this life. I know that "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". I understand that people live and people die. I understand that each person's life on this earth runs for a different amount of time whether it be 29 years or 54. I know that Diane and Preston are watching over the ones they loved and reaching out for us every day to let us know that they're still here even though we can't feel them.  I know that Janet will join them some day and will do the same for Colleen and her sister. And I know that the easy part of life is probably over from this point forward. That there comes a time in your life when the bad things seem to happen more frequently simply because time moves forward and you age. What I don't know, the thing I cannot grasp, is how to survive another year like this. Even another six months like this. I wish there would be a little bit more time in between the storms in our lives. Not so that we get too used to the good, but just so that we can be a little bit stronger the next time lightning strikes.

Dear Cancer: I HATE YOU

Dear Cancer,

I freaking hate your stinking guts. I'm tired of you coming into the lives of people that I love and taking them from us far too early. I think you are the worst thing around and if I ever meet you, I will punch you in the face.

I do not think it's fair the way you choose your victims. It's like you've worked out some devious plan to attack those that have happy, healthy lives and you take them from us instead of taking say, mass murderers. Don't you think you'd be better served removing the scum from the earth instead of taking those that we hold so dear? You're unfair and you're biased and I can't stand the way you come in and give us hope that our friends, our family will survive when in fact, you have no plan to let them go.

I know I'm young and that I can say it's unfair for all of this to be happening to me at such a young age, but I'm not going to say that. Instead, I'm going to say that I've dealt with you a lot in my young age and the one thing I'm certain of is that I HATE YOU. I will continue to donate to causes that are set on finding a way to get rid of you. And I will continue to hate you for the rest of my life. And sure, putting all this in the universe might not be the best idea I've ever had, but I'm tired of you and I want you to know that.

You are not nice. You are cruel and hurtful and you've ruined so many lives that I don't even know how you live with yourself. I'm going to fight against you until the day that I die because you've taken so many that I love.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

Interesting changes might blow my way...

Traditionally, I'm not that awesome at change. I wouldn't say that I'm terrible at it, I would just say I'm not that awesome at it. Things have been in kind of a whirlwind in my life for the past few months and it seems as though that whirlwind is going to continue on into the next few months as well. The strange thing is, I'm not that worried about it. I'm actually kind of excited about the possibilites that could lie ahead for me. It's weird. I think this means that I'm becoming an adult. Hey, it only took 26 years to get there.....

"this is not the end, this is another beginning"
- Linkin Park

each day faces it's own challenges...

I feel like when I get close to sanity, something else happens and pulls me back down.
I'm in a good spot. I don't think that I'm depressed, Ijust think that last year was and this year has been really difficult. But, all in all, my life has been amazing. I can't be angry at the fact that my lfie has been wonderful up until this point. That's how it goes, right? Hard times happen. They happen to everyone.

This is helping:

"....when you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth, you are weeping for that which has been your delight"

And...
Florence + the Machine
mostly Cosmic Love and the Dog Days are Over

one day at a time...

sometimes, it's hard to see the light of the day because it feels like we're being buried alive under a dark cloud of sadness. since the anniversary of my grandfather's passing and the loss of my friend Preston, my days have been a roller coaster of up and down, happy and sad. when I start feeling like maybe things are going on the upswing of the roller coaster, something else comes along and hits me with a wave of sadness. almost as if the world wants me to know that it's still her and sadness is still happening.

monday is the one year anniversary of the passing of my nephew. I'm not even sure how you prepare yourself for that. it's been a long year. and it feels like accepting the fact that it's been a year is wrong. I'm not sure why. also recently, some dear friends of ours had to break the news to us that they had a miscarriage. it was their first attempt at having a baby.

i know the saying "Everything happens for a reason" and for the most part, i've accepted that philosophy in my life. but the more time goes by, the more it gets harder and harder to just swallow some of the things that have happened to the ones i love.

today, i clicked on Preston's name on my google chat to send him a message that i love him and i miss him. only to remember that he's no longer here and would not receive my message of well wishes. it's had when reality slaps you in the face and you remember that your loved one is no longer here. sure, i probably need to remove his contact information from my accounts, but it's like it would be accepting that he's really not here, and I don't want to do that just yet. I want to pretend like he's just off on a bike ride and out of cell-phone service. becuase admitting that he's gone would just be too hard.

in the words of lil' wayne.... "yeah my life's a bitch, but you nuthing bout her. i've been to hell and back, i can show you vouchers....."

Poopity poop poop....

Okay, get it out. Let the laughter out of the bag. Everyone poops. It's a fact of life.

I was going to write about my somber weekend remembering my friend Preston, and about my friend who's family is suffering from the loss of a dear friend, but instead, I'm going to write about poop.

Soooo occasionally, I have to use the facilities at work. It's not often, because let's face it, girls would rather die than poo in public. I usually hate going in there because I hate having to take care of business at work and I hate even more the idea of someone walking in and seeing me taking care of my business.

Here are some things that I have NOT learned as far as protecting my identity goes:

1. wearing cool, but funky shoes does not hide your identity.
2. having a tattoo on your right foot does not hide your identity
3. laughing when you toot does not hide your identity
4. picking your feet up the entire time someone else is in there does hide your identity, but is not necessarily good for your butt cheeks that are stuck on the toilet

Here are some things I have learned about pooing at work:

1. it goes a lot faster than at home
2. other people do it too and don't seemed to be concerned about protecting their identity
3. other people definitely do NOT laugh when they toot

Ahh, I feel better getting that off my chest!

Just remember....everyone poops....it's a fact of life. Have more fun with it. Take it less seriously....life goes on after the poop.

It's a tough, tough world we live in...

Today, I received an email from a very dear friend telling me that her family friend who has been battling Stage IV breast cancer for the past year has probably taken a turn for the worse. She began having seizures last night and hasn't stopped today. She's unconscious and last she heard, had not regained consciousness.

Having been barely a month since Preston's passing, I know what she is going through. The fact that there are no words that will comfort her or her family, or the family of the mother, grandmother, who is on the verge of leaving this world, makes it 10x more difficult for me to hear. I want to tell her that it's for the best. She'll be at peace. Unfortunately, the people who are not at peace will be her family. My friend's family and the family of the one who passes are going to be completely distraught after this. The pain will feel never ending. I'm been fortunate in my life, an Preston was the first person close to me that I've lost. I've lost friend's parents, and other friends, but never someone that I felt personally close to. (Minus an aunt who passed away 5 years ago). The last time I lost someone before last year, I was in a pretty good depression and unfortunately didn't know how to grieve and instead pushed away. When I lost my nephew last year, I was the strong one who was there for each member of my family but not allowing myself to grieve much either. And right before that when my grandfather passed away, I was able to mourn him in peace because I knew that his battle had been long and he'd lived a long, happy life that most people don't often get.

But with Preston, it was different. How do you justfiy the ending of a 29 year old's life? How do you rationalize that it was best for Preston? And I'm having the same mixed emotions about my friend's family friend. How is it okay for her to pass on when she has young grandchildren and three beautiful daughters who so desperately don't want to lose her? Sure, it's the circle of life, but why can't it be a more peaceful circle? Why do people have to go through these extreme battles only to lose the fight?

I know that often we find ourselves weeping not for what we lost, but for what we loved so dearly. I know that her daughters and my friend's family will cherish the memories they made with her and will cling to those in these next few days and weeks of difficulty. But it doesn't make it any easier, nor does it make it fair.

But I guess they say "life's not fair"

it just sucks that it's not fair in this way....

love you pal. Hang in there.
miss you P.

My life.......Legends of the Fall...

So, today was pretty rough. That's pretty much the only way to put it. I missed Preston a lot. Basically, I keep finding myself down in the dumps about a certain friendship, and over the weekend, I kept hearing him tell me that life is just too short to find yourself down in the dumps. I know that if he were here, he'd tell me to get over it and move on. That friendships are meant to be enjoyed not dreaded. Today all that seemed to come to a head and I wanted so badly to hear his voice. His laugh. Him telling me that I'm being completely ridiculous and should have moved on a long time ago.

Currently, I'm watching Legends of the Fall. One of my all.time.favorite.movies. I heart this movie. As I was watching it, I kept comparing myself to Tristan, the main character. See, the thing is, he kind of has a hard time dealing with the difficulties in his life...the death of his brother....the death of his wife....all these things seem to wear him down and his way of coping? Leaving. Going off on lone excursions and getting lost in a world not like his own. Of course I know that this is a movie.....but....I find myself understanding his character more and more as the movie goes on and as I've gotten older. Of course you feel for his character, but this is more of a connection to his character. He gets lost in his emotions and I see myself in him. I know, I know, it's not always the best idea to compare yourself to a character in a movie...but if someday, I start writing my blog from Montana....well, you'll know why.

Anger err.....Management....

"don't sweat the small stuff.....in the end, it's still small stuff"
"he who angers you controls you"
"anger dwells only in the bosom of fools"

....riiiiight. so Those are quotes are in or around my cube because I tend to have a little bit of an anger management issue. As in, I don't manage my anger. I'm getting a lot better about blowing up and "flying off the handle" and I tend to need a 5 second break to remind myself that the cupcake place being out of my favorite cupcake isn't the end of the world (hey, it's a big deal!) But sometimes, no matter how much I remind myself that the world is not going to end because some jackass in a Mercedes decided to cut me off, I'm still pissed. PISSED.

One person has caused this to happen two times to me since Friday. I can't really go into a lot of detail on the situation, but I'm finding it hard to "take a deep breath and let it go". Here's hoping I find some wisdowm in the quotes above and can find a way to let it go....If not, it's going to be a LONG week!

"try as much as possible to be wholly alive, with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell and when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough"
- William Saroyan

Friday Randomness

So, my mom's surprise birthday weekend getaway starts today. It's a surprise in that we didn't tell her until Wednesday night that we had planned this weekend extravaganza for her. I think she's pretty excited. She took off the entire day so that she could nap and stay up late for all the drinking her friends have planned for her. :) I wish I were going just because I think it'd be so much fun to just sit back and watch all of her friends get sloshed!!! :) But, I'm glad she's going.

On a side note, this sweet baby boy is having surgery this morning and needs all the positive thoughts and prayers you guys can send his way.

he's already had a pretty tough fight and he's not even a year old. Just send him some good karma.....it'll only take a second!

happy trails, my friends! happy trails!

life is short but sweet for certain....

Side note: I've gone public again because I don't care who reads my blog. I wrote it to help me vent and deal with things in my life. If some random person on google finds that helpful, then good. If someone I don't want to read my blog chooses to snoop and still read it, then that's their thing, not mine. 

Moving on....my friend Preston has been gone for a week and two days now. I'm still pretty numb about the whole thing. I was pretty sick last week, and during that time, I kind of forgot that he was gone. I was going to text him about some of the crazy dreams I've been having on my meds, but I went to to send it and remembered that he was gone. It's too bad you can't send texts to the afterlife. I'm sure he'd have a lot to tell me. I miss him. But when I start really getting down about him being gone, little things pop in front of me and remind of him and make it a little less painful. Example: yesterday, as a storm was rolling in, I wanted to text him for the radar picture so that I could get the truth on the situation, and remembered that I couldn't. At that instant, a truck with Alaska plates came barreling off the highway and cut me off.....I had to giggle. Totally a Preston move. Then, as I'm getting close to home, it starts pouring on me when the sun is out and everything is perfectly nice and sunny.....another Preston move...just to giggle he'd make it rain in the middle of an otherwise nice, sunny day. The pain of knowing that he's gone is hurting a little bit less, although I still want to reach out and get a big bear hug. And I know that when we do the Big D Climb this year, my heart is going to break all over again.....into a million tiny pieces.

But I'm also learning that our time here on this earth is far too short. We never know what adversity is going to face us tomorrow, so we have to make the most out of today. We have to tell people we love them and we have to be friends to our friends. There's no room for regrets. And that's something Preston believed too. Life is too short to spend your time wishing you wouold've done something and instead you should cherish the life you have and do the things you want to do. I can't remember the quote that Preston loved to remind me of off the top of my head but it was something like....life is meant to be lived barely sliding into your ending. Meaning you shouldn't live your life slowly and without adventure but instead burn the candle at both ends and go crazy!

I intend to take his advice more in my life now. Help myself and others see the small things in life. The beauty in approaching thunderheads or a tornado. The beauty in friendship even if you spend your time miles apart. And the beauty in a life lived to it's fullest even if it's extremely short. It's what P would want.

Right, so that was quick...

After some fabulous incidents yesterday, I decided that I don't want a lot of people in my life anymore and decided to lock down the good ol blog. I probably should have warned everyone first, but it just had to happen.

So.............welcome to the love friends! Now I feel more comfortable using real names of people and being honest, because hey, that's what it's all about. And my blog was never supposed to be for random people anyway, it's my spot for venting and keeping you guys up-to-date. So it works.

Whew!

hello darkness my old friend.....I've come to talk with you again...

Yesterday, my sweet friend Preston passed away. To say that I'm heartbroken is an understatement. To say that I'm hurting in ways I didn't know I could is also an understatment. I can't describe the pain I feel or the void that I feel because of his passing. I'm so incredibly thankful that his fight is over and he is now riding (probably) in peace somewhere on a distant highway. I know I will see him again, so I find comfort in that, but that is probably a long time from now for me and it doesn't make the pain any less. It doesn't make me hurt less that he is now at peace. It doesn't comfort me to know that I will never hear my friend's voice or get an email from him telling me about so hot girl he met. It doesn't make me feel good to know that my crazy early morning drunk texts are over and that my friend Preston is gone from this earth. I'm hurting. I know in time the hurt will be less and I'll cherish his memory, but today, I'm hurting. I just don't think that anyone should ever have to go through this kind of pain. And for m,e I know it's probably just the beginning of the start of a lot of incidents like this...I am getting older.

I leave you with words from Stevie Nicks....

"can I handle the changing seasons of my life.....Oh, I don't know"

...

more than I could ever hope for....

As you know, my friend Preston is in the final stages of his life here with us. He's decided to quit treatment for lymphoma and now the doctors are just doing everything they can to make him comfortable.

I was thinking back this morning on all the things that he has taught me and decided to share.

• he taught me that life is not to be lived carefully and slowly but rather as an adventure to the end
• he taught me that dickhead guys aren't worth your time 
• he taught me that friendship doesn't have to be about hanging out every weekend; sometimes it's about having an email group that talks every day about the stupidest of things
• he taught me that there is humor in everything; even in death
• he taught me to be optimistic about the future and not dwell on the negative
• he taught me to love all kinds of different people and that you can't judge a person by their dorky hobbies! 
• he taught to appreciate a really great thunderstorm
• he taught me some safety tips I probably need to learn
• he taught me how to be a better friend and for that I'm eternally grateful. 

Preston has taught me so much in the short span of our friendship....6 years...that it saddens me that I'll never be able to repay him for his life lessons.  I hope that I can grow to be more like him and learn to love the life they way he did and appreciate the small things. I'm still completely devastated, but I'm trying to focus more on our shared laughter than our shared sorrow. I know I'll see him again and lucky for him, it'll seem like the blink of an eye. It hurts tremendously to know that in a short time, I'll lose my friend but I just keep reminding myself that it hurts so bad because I love him so much. I hope he finds the peace he's searching for and that our time apart doesn't feel like an eternity.

Sometimes, all we can do is let go....

My friend Preston has decided to end his battle with lymphoma today. This means, the doctors will do everything they can to keep him comfortable until he passes.

I'm devastated. I'm heartbroken. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm confused. I'm at peace.

I know this is the past thing for him, but I'm not ready to let him go. His life has been too short.

I love you PH. You've been the best friend anyone could ask for and my life is forever changed because of you. Go peacefully into the night knowing that you are surrounded by the love of your family and friends.

Hmm public vs private

I'm thinking of going private on the good old blog....my intention was never to get a bajillion readers, and really, I only write it to get your advice...

thoughts?

Proper Poo Etiquette

Yeah, so if you're  a guy, you should avert your eyes and pretend like you never stumbled upon this little blogging gem. Trust  me, it's in  your best interest.

For everyone else.....this is going to be a poo rant!

I work in a nice corporate building in west Plano. We have nice things, not to mention nice restrooms. Especially considering what we could have.....I am so tired of walking into a restroom that only GROWN women use and finding remnants of the person in front of me in the toilet!!!

These come in the form of 3 things (at least most commonly)

1. poo streaks still in the toilet 
2. the toilet protector sheet still in the toilet
3. toilet paper still in the toilet

We have automatic toilets, so I can understand that you might get a little lazy and not realize that you're leaving something behind, but have a little decency and check to make sure EVERYTHING you PUT into the toilet is flushed DOWN the toilet! it's really not that difficult. You take an extra 2 seconds to turn around before you walk out of the stall and look....if something is there that maybe should've gotten flushed down, FLUSH IT DOWN! There's a button on automatic toilets for this very reason! They want you to be able to leave the bathroom in a nice, clean state!

I just dont get it. We're ADULTS. Not 4 year olds. And I know that 4 year olds do better than some of these women because I watch them once a month at church and we take a LOT of bathroom trips together....still, they manage to flush down what they put in the toilet. It's an amazing concept, I know...but for the love of JEBUS learn to flush your leftovers!!!!

"Psychiatry's chief contribution to philosophy is the discovery that the toilet is the seat of the soul.”
-Alexander Chase

A little lighter....

Since the blog has been all serious and no fun, here are some jokes to brighten your day!

From Michelle, age 9, Cheshire,CT

What did the teddybear say after his dinner ?

I'm stuffed!

From Jonathan, age 10, UAE Dubai

What did baby corn say to Mama corn?

Hey, where's pop corn?

And finally, my mom's favorite joke....

So two carrots are walking down the road....One carrot gets hit by a car. The ambulance comes and takes the carrot to the hospital. The second carrot drives to the hospital and waits for news of his friend. The doctor finally comes out and tells the second carrot "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, you're friend is going to live. The bad news is, he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

tee hee hee. knee slapping funny right there.